OK, here goes...major trigger
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|Wed, 03-25-2009 - 6:01pm|
Brenda has said okay but if you are sensitive, don't put yourself through reading this.
Back in January is was having a body memory trying to emerge. I think it was triggered by some injuries to my neck that were just beginning to show up. I am now possibly facing a 3rd major spine surgery but DH stopped my MRI complaining about money problems and that triggered a full onslaught of memories that poured out of me last week like Niagara Falls.
My body memory was of my mother trying to strangle me as an infant. I think that came back as a warning of what was to come. What came back last week was that my mother would purposefully shove my face and head under water whenever I cried until I inhaled water. Then she'd pull me out and hold me upside down to drain the water from my lungs and admonish me to not cry again for anything. From what I've remembered, she did this repeatedly from about age 6-8 months to about 2, 2 1/2 years. The reason my neck triggered it is the pain I have is constant and high up on my neck and at the base of my skull. I can feel the heel of her hand pressing on that exact spot to hold my head down in the water. Although no one in my family remembers seeing this...my siblings have almost no memories of any of their childhoods at all let alone mine.....I have enough confirmation to know it's real from other sources.
I was not allowed to cry but she was too afraid to outright kill me. My father had set up an abortion of me but she backed out fearing she might die of an infection. When I was 20, she and my father concocted a plan to force me to commit suicide and almost pulled it off. But when someone else found out, they changed their minds and rushed me to the hospital....well actually they called a cab and put me in it. They just didn't want to be held responsible for killing me although both wanted me dead from before I was born. And mom always pulled me out of the water just in time to save me from drowning but the message was the same....we don't want to know you exist so learn to be quiet no matter what. Don't ask for help or comfort or anything. It could be fatal.
Basically what I was taught was that it is NEVER okay to ask for help of any kind for anything. And if you did, beware that the help offered just might be the opposite of what you want and the giver of help is only helping you because they are protecting their own butts. In other words.....shut up and trust no one(I feel like Fox Mulder but he at least wouldn't shut up).
I'm going to stop there as I see my T tomorrow and we'll see if he takes me back.
I sincerely hope I haven't upset anyone. I have a lot to work through and my DH has been gone since early Monday morning until late tomorrow night. Being alone with all these memories has been horrendous. But some little things have happened to let me know that God is with me and keeping me safe. He stopped me from killing myself last week and He is holding me now. I guess He's the only person I really trust.
gentle hugs to all....................JennyB