The rage is surfacing...TRIGGER
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|Sun, 04-12-2009 - 3:03pm|
It's Easter time and I know I should be happy but with no family around this weekend to celebrate with, it been hard.
My rage at my mother has finally started to surface. Tuesday night my cat brought in a beautiful little goldfinch he was eating. I almost killed him. I threw him outside and then chased him around the yard trying to retrieve the bird knowing full well it was very dead but it was a symbolic thing. Then Thursday I realized I had sent off my granddaughter's Easter card with no stamp and fell apart for being such a dumb ass grandmother. I just sobbed and sobbed. Then it hit. I was beating myself up over a stamp and yet I hadn't yet gotten mad at my mother for repeatedly trying to drown me. And all of a sudden I was outside slugging anything hard I could find...trees, rocks..anything. I was crying and in my mind I was hitting her. And it's gone on all weekend except when my husband is around. He just doesn't get it and is totally unsympathetic. BTW, it's my 34th wedding anniversary today. Doesn't help.
But I did something I've never done before. I wrote an email to my T telling him how suicidal I was and exactly what I intended to do to kill myself. Then I sent a second email telling him it was my Easter gift to him.....a way to hospitalize me by force if necessary. I deliberately told him a story so he could have control. I don't think I've ever given up control like that before. I usually have to be in total control. I have no intention of killing myself and certainly I would never do what I put in the email but it was to give him the means to help me if he felt I was losing control or needed more help than he could give me right now. He knows I need help and I've frustrated him at every turn so my Easter gift was to ask for help and give him the means to decide for himself how much help I needed. That's really scary for someone who faced possible death for asking for help.
So I'm still hitting things although I took a couple of hours to go and cut down all the wild thorn bushes in the yard and I have far more injuries from that than anything I did to myself. No one had tackled the job for a couple of years and we were loaded with these white thorn wild roses that rip your skin. One bush was so big that when I cut the base, it fell over on my head and hooked into my back. Left me with a bleeding scalp. My hands are a mess. But it felt good. My mother raised roses. I felt like I was cutting her down to the ground and then putting brush killer on the open base to kill the roots. I was symbolically killing her, I guess.
So Easter has been really tough but I'm actually looking forward to Tuesday's session with the T. I could be taken away against my will or thanked for giving him that control. I don't know. And learning to live with that is hard for me. But I'm hanging in there. I'm trying to trust him, trust that he will care enough to do what is best for me and that he cares about my welfare. Something I've never done before.
Happy Easter all..................Jenny