The rage is surfacing...TRIGGER

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
The rage is surfacing...TRIGGER
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 3:03pm

It's Easter time and I know I should be happy but with no family around this weekend to celebrate with, it been hard.

My rage at my mother has finally started to surface. Tuesday night my cat brought in a beautiful little goldfinch he was eating. I almost killed him. I threw him outside and then chased him around the yard trying to retrieve the bird knowing full well it was very dead but it was a symbolic thing. Then Thursday I realized I had sent off my granddaughter's Easter card with no stamp and fell apart for being such a dumb ass grandmother. I just sobbed and sobbed. Then it hit. I was beating myself up over a stamp and yet I hadn't yet gotten mad at my mother for repeatedly trying to drown me. And all of a sudden I was outside slugging anything hard I could find...trees, rocks..anything. I was crying and in my mind I was hitting her. And it's gone on all weekend except when my husband is around. He just doesn't get it and is totally unsympathetic. BTW, it's my 34th wedding anniversary today. Doesn't help.

But I did something I've never done before. I wrote an email to my T telling him how suicidal I was and exactly what I intended to do to kill myself. Then I sent a second email telling him it was my Easter gift to him.....a way to hospitalize me by force if necessary. I deliberately told him a story so he could have control. I don't think I've ever given up control like that before. I usually have to be in total control. I have no intention of killing myself and certainly I would never do what I put in the email but it was to give him the means to help me if he felt I was losing control or needed more help than he could give me right now. He knows I need help and I've frustrated him at every turn so my Easter gift was to ask for help and give him the means to decide for himself how much help I needed. That's really scary for someone who faced possible death for asking for help.

So I'm still hitting things although I took a couple of hours to go and cut down all the wild thorn bushes in the yard and I have far more injuries from that than anything I did to myself. No one had tackled the job for a couple of years and we were loaded with these white thorn wild roses that rip your skin. One bush was so big that when I cut the base, it fell over on my head and hooked into my back. Left me with a bleeding scalp. My hands are a mess. But it felt good. My mother raised roses. I felt like I was cutting her down to the ground and then putting brush killer on the open base to kill the roots. I was symbolically killing her, I guess.

So Easter has been really tough but I'm actually looking forward to Tuesday's session with the T. I could be taken away against my will or thanked for giving him that control. I don't know. And learning to live with that is hard for me. But I'm hanging in there. I'm trying to trust him, trust that he will care enough to do what is best for me and that he cares about my welfare. Something I've never done before.

Happy Easter all..................Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 3:42pm
Oh, Jenny. I understand your rage. I am a pretty peaceful person but the rage I have is consuming me. Its very hard not to tuen that rage inward, and this is probably not the best thing to say, but hurting on the outside distracts mehurting on the inside and is way less painful. I have had about three different T tell me I should go to the mental ward and I have also fought it. Its sad, but the stigma with mental illness is awful. I believe that the natural shame we feel is compounded by the shame of being mentally ill. I live in the Fl Keys so everyone here knows everyone's business. If I went to the hospital, thw whole townwould know, privacy laws or not. The other thing is giving someone complete control of me. Even though u got hurt gardening, I would say that's generally a healthy way to unleash some rage. For me, karate used to do it even tho I didn't realize what I was "fighting" at the time. I'm sure your granddaughter will feel no less love for you because of the stamp. You thought to send her a card, you just made a mistake. Easter is hard for me too. Its a mandatory "pretend everything is fabulous" day. I hate those days. Luckily my kids r at a friends house. My dh is completely unsupportive too. Its so unbelievably hurtful and makes me feel more rage. Since I have confided in him he keeps making jokes about it. His new thing is to try and grab me in places where he knows I can't be touched. I can have "alone time" with him but I cannot stand for him to touch me. That certainly makes alone time difficult. I just want it done.I'm so hurt that he makes jokes about it. He is bipolar and his mother spent yrs in mental hospitals. You would think he wouldn't do that. Truth is, I am afraid I'm gonna throw a karate move on him and hurt him. As it is, I use some very choice pressure points to get him to stop. I'm gonna try and bring him to my T so he can get a freakin grip and realize that ptsd is just as serious as bipolar disorder. I hope u feel better and try not to let your rage turn inward. Take care and good look at your upcoming appt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 5:20pm
Jenny, I to understand that rage.



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 10:48am

Jen, I just want to say how much I admire you for understanding that beating yourself up is all about internalising your rage, and althought it may not have felt like it, by going outside into your garden (or yard as you guys say:) that was a great thing to do.

In my next session with my T I have asked if I can go somewhere and destroy things, I have bought a mallet and an axe from Ebay. Then I thought of the perfect item, I still have the tv cabinet that my dad paid a lot of money for so this is hugely sympolic for me, I will bash it to pieces.

I find it very hard to get in touch with that rage so the fact you have directed it so well is commendable.

I know your having a rough time but remember I feel so similiar to you and your not alone.

P.s I don't think you should be going anywhere, to be referred by your T, your digging up old stuff but your not crazy :)

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Wed, 04-15-2009 - 11:30am

I'm not going anywhere right now. We had a good session yesterday and he understood I was just giving up control. But each day is so different for me. One day I'm feisty, the next just want to stay in bed. I vascilate from mourning the child that was so horribly abused to being mad at a mother who would did it. This is a long process and I've been through it before. It's just so hard to not know what I'll be like from day to day. Yesterday I didn't need a I'm not so sure.

I still have more thorn bushes to cut down but can't do it right now. No energy today. Cat killed another bird this AM and that started my day off really badly. But this time he finally dropped the bird instead of eating it. He##, I've been feeding him raw meat so he'll get his need for blood inside instead of outside. Maybe a good nap will help. Perhaps I'll wake up with more energy and less depression.

Thanks Jen for the support and write me and tell me how you're doing. I'd love to help you destroy that TV cabinet. sounds like "purposeful fun".

Love and hugs.............Jenny