Am I doing the right thing??? help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Am I doing the right thing??? help!
2
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 7:15pm
Yesterday my 14 yo old neice confided to me that she was nearly raped by a 19 yo. Naturally I am devastated. I am more devastated that her mother, who was sa 1 didn't call the police and 2 blamed her for getting in the car. With my history and everything so fresh in my head its particularly devastating to me. She was at a friend's house and they went for a walk. At the park they hopped in a car with 3 guys that she didn't know. The 19 yo was rolling a blunt and the guy in the backseat grabbed my neice's pants and pulled them down. When she moved away, the driver grabbed her arm to restrain her. She bit the guy (YAY) and got out at a stop sign. When I saw my T today I was having repeated panic attacks over this. When I told him what happened, he wrote down all the info and said he was obligated to call someone about it. That was not my intention at all. I love her mother but I am so disgusted by her behavior. To make it worse all the adults r so mad at the guy that noone has taken the time to b there for my neice. I have always been there for her when her parents aren't so I listened to her. I held her and told her I love her. I told her its not her fault and she is safe and loved. She is so upset bcause of wat happened, because her mom "doesn't care" and bcause her daf said he is gonna shoot the guy. Now I'm afraid of what will happen to her when my T reports this. I was told the mother can b charged with neglect for not contacting authorities. I don't want to make it worse by getting her mother in trouble but what was she thinking??? Did I do the right thing by giving my T the info? I'm really worried bcause her father is with a drug/alcohol addict who has already given the girl alcohol and if her mom gets in trouble what is going to happen to her? I feel like bundling her up and keeping her here with me safe, but I don have the room and I'm afraid that if dcf comes here they will see a bipolar father and mom with ptsd and decide our kids shouldn't b here. I'm so very disturbed. Thoughts, comments, suggestions, anyone? I'm totally panicked here.
Moon
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 8:04pm

You did the right thing. You did not make things worse; her mother made things worse by not helping your niece. If she gets into trouble, that is her own doing. She's an adult and should have handled this better. I'm thankful your therapist is reporting this. I understand the anxiety you have over this, and I would too, but from being away from the situation and not emotionally involved (although still troubled and concerned to hear this happened to this girl), I can clearly see that you did the right thing. No question about it. I commend you for stepping up. Think about your niece. Could you possibly have made it worse for her? No, of course not. You've helped her. Bravo, my dear, bravo. Job well done.


Allie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 1:02am
Thank you for giving me an objective opinion, Allie. I know you are right about her mother but its still so hard for me to imagine. Even after today's visit I txted with my T for four hours. He knows I am in such a bad state over this. Half the session was him telling me to calm down and breathe. I did start a dialogue with my neice. She's clearly been traumatized and NOONE IS DOING ANYTHING but ME!! I cannot wrap my head around it. Anyway I let her talk while I listened. I also shared a similar story I had. When I was 16, I went to a party with older guys and got drunk. When I had to go potty, two followed me into the bathroom, turned out the lights and molested me. I had nvr told a soul, in fact I had forgotten. Chalk up two molestations in my life that I know about, oh and a date rape a year later which noone knows about. I wanted her to know that she's not alone and that the choices we make can put us in bad situations, but that all she has to do is call me. Ill come, no questions asked, bring her here, put her to bed then let her mom know I have her. At least she is safe with me and her mother doesn't care where she goes if she doesn't have to deal with her. When this happened my neice was at a house where the parents' kids were in foster care for a year!! HELLOOO! Shouldn't that have given her mom a clue? Worse yet, it was ot one guy but three and a girl and noone tried to help her. *cursing* All I can think is that the mom is messed up cause she was raised by a crackhead and in and out of foster homes, but I thought she was ok now. Apparently not. I also tried so hard to tell my neice not to blame herself but that is inherent with assault and it doesn't help that her own mother told her it was her fault. I need to tell her mom that what she did is deplorable but I'm debating on how and whether its appropriate. Maybe it was enough that I called my best friends hubby who is a cop. I think that scared the mom and I'm glad. Now the drug/alcohol addicted gf of my bil knows and her response was "she must've been drinking" I can't give mho about that here. I'm sure it would violate language rules. She's mad because her bf found out she gave his daughter vodka.btw the dad blamed that on my neice too. Poor kid. And she's truly a good girl. She absolutely refused to sleep with her bf of 5 month and I'm so proud. I saw his txts about it. Idk how I'm ever going to heal when I'm being mother and father to my neice but I have no official parental authority. Sigh. She has noone else tho. I think she needs to see a therapist bcause I can help but I'm not a professional. I have only life exp. My T spent many hrs coaching me on how to help her. I amazed myself by being able to help her when I cannot help myself. T says that I cld learn to use the same things on myself. Truth is I love my three kids (includes neice) more than myself and that love is what makes it possible. On top of this, dh skipped all of his lithium yesterday so he will be manic in a cpl of days and that will last a month or two AND my nephew's parents leave him home alone for at least 40 hrs a wk to gamble and he's too far away to come to my house for refuge. When dh went to see him he said,"at least someone cares about me, tio." I didn't raise him like I have my neice but its gnawing at me. I wanna move them both in with us an protect them. I mean, its obvious their parents don't care and act like its a nuisance to be around them. A break is one thing but they r all out of control and they have teenagers for God's sake. We don't have the money or the room, tho. Wow I got off-topic, I'm sry. I shouldve labeled this as a vent. Ty again for validating me allie. That means a lot.
Moonie