Same Old, Same Old!
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|Fri, 04-17-2009 - 8:45am|
Exhausted, tired, fed-up, angry, depressed, hopeless, always ALWAYS stressing over what someone has done to me or how someone has hurt me.
I am finding it so hard to deal with me relationships with other people at the moment.
I seem to be hopping from one person to the next to the next like I have done all my life, never getting too close. I feel like I get very close very quickly to someone then I start to see things in them I don't like and then move on to the next person and so keeps going on and on and on and on like this and I am so over this I so need to stop doing this as it's exhausting and extremely unhealthy.
I am feeling really angry at one person I know at the moment, I feel used by her when it suits her and I am so angry that she doesn't have the decency to answer my texts. I feel she has all the control in the relationship, basically I feel I am always good to her and she likes to mess me about as and when it suits her.
She pops in and out of my life, she helped me out about 15 mths ago as she is a nurse (I know her mom and have had problems with her mom too, me being used while I was in a vulnerable place)
We sort of got close then she completely disappeared out of my life and like a fool I have let her come back. She was r*ped when she was 17 and maybe she has issues getting close but when I asked her why she disappeared, she said that we were getting on so well and she often does that (disappears) which is fine but I know she has a best friend that she sees all the time and dotes on her and her kids so her having issues sounds like an excuse. When she disappeared last time her mom said it was because she was jealous of her and my relationship. But she has a lot of friends in a town about 40 mins away from where I live and said it was because she got back into that circle of people, I am the only person in the town I live that she knows and she has moved back in with her mom so maybe that is why she made contact.
Now I have been seeing someone and so has she but I know she has 3 weeks off work, 2 weeks ago she had issues with her car which I was very understanding about (she kept cancelling on me) but now she is taking the p*ss and I am not happy at all which is a shme because we get on so well and I really feel like we click so much and have similar situations. I went to a reunion a few weeks ago and she cam with me and all my friends said how nice she was.
Which is fine I can understand but she was around me for a while recently and now she has a new boyfriend and I have been unceremoniously dropped, I am so angry for letting myself be used all over again.
We have talked about how her mom used and manipulated both her and I and how horrible it felt and now I feel the same has been done to me.
I phoned her the other day because I was intimate with my partner for the first time and I was feeling a bit strange, she was completely uninterested though at the end of the call said she is always at the end of a phone, but what's the use if she hardly ever answers only when it suits her.
I thought it was me and about me but now I realise it's not me but am feeling so annoyed. We were supposed to go out yesterday and I have heard nothing from her at all despite leaving messages.
She is going to get the cold shoulder from me now, that's it I have finished with her, she has done this too many times.
I am feeling like this so much of the time, maybe I am expecting too much from people, but my relationships are in tatters.
I know with this person she has big issues and it would seem as simple as yes she used me for a while, it hurts so bad but I am so vulnerable right now, without a family to protect and look out for me.
I long for connections and normal relationships but it's just not happening. I feel I am being used a lot but not even seeing it, how can I keep myself safe when I feel so lonely too.
I feel completely alone and yet have a lot of friends but I wonder how many are true friends. I am just to tired of putting my time and effort into others and feeling like this.
Maybe I do expect far too much from people, what are the behaviours that push people away, maybe I am doing it and not even realising it.
I get so angry and hurt by others in my life, I just don't know how to deal with relationships with other people, it's extremely frustrating, I wish there was a book to show you how to cope.