My story and proper intro- finally

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
My story and proper intro- finally
2
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 11:20pm
I have been here posting but I haven't properly introduced myself or told u why I am here. I started out at the ptsd board and someone thought this was a good place for me as well. I'm 35 yrs old now and I do not remember 80& of my life even as recently as 2006. I started seeing a new T and we have determined that I was sa at around 3. I think I was sa again around the age of 7. At fifteen I went to a party with college age guys, drank too much and when I went potty two followed me in, locked the door, turned out the light and molested me. Idk how long this went on. About 2 yrs later I was out and had a drink. Someone drugged me and I was date raped. It went on for hours I think. I remember being on sand and on the hood of a car and I think a cpl of guys were watching. I think only one raped me. These last two incident came back to me the other day when my neice told me someone tried to rape her in front of 3 other ppl who did nothing. My whole life amount to nothing but a black hole now bcause I don't remember most of it. I'm full of disgust and rage. I hate sex. I don't remember the yrs when my daughter was a toddler and my son was in preschool. I cannot even describe how that makes me feel. All of this is so new to me so I have a long way to go. I havt worked since 2006 and I don't remember that year.I was officially given disability in nov of 2008. I want my life back, I want to be who I was. Second degree black belt (I still am technically but I don't train), 3 college degrees. 2 classes from an MBA. A certified government finance officer, heir apparent to be Finance Director at a company where I had only been 18 months and truly supermom. Nowadays I read, watch tv and try to spend time with my kids. Every tiny thing is a struggle. I feel like a picasso painting on the inside bcause everything is distorted. Since I've found these boards they r my lifeline, truly. Its the only place I feel normal. Everywhere else I'm "lazy, useless" - "have kids and need to let it go" I "have to get better on my own" "what happened to you? You used to be so greatal etc etc, you get the idea. This board has helped me already and I hope that I can help some of u or ppl who might be reading and afraid to post. You guys are great. Pls excuse typos cause I post from the Blackberry. I look forward to knowing you all.
Moonie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Fri, 04-24-2009 - 3:21pm
Moonie I think I have already welcomed you but if I haven't then

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Fri, 04-24-2009 - 4:44pm
Ty for the warm welcome, Brenda. My ptsd board recommended that book also. Wen I get my disability check ima order it. My kids have suffered too. Prior to the onset of depression I truly had a fairy tale life. The best part is that I'm the one who made that life for us. I was in a depression stupor (btw very good term) for all of 2006 and probably more. All I remember from those times is blackness. When my daughter was five she asked me, "Mommy, how come u don't smile anymore?" That was pretty heartbreaking. I finally have the pain meds I need so my brain isn't preoccupied with that. I feel totally happy today. This is the third day in abput four yrs. All three days have been in the last month, so I MUST be getting better. Truth b told, I am afraid that I will lose my disability if I'm better tho and what will happen if I start working and get sick again? Sure I cld always reapply but who wants to mess with something that's working. They conduct health reviews, but even tho I was approved in Nov, I've been disabled for 3 yrs. Maybe that means they won't, idk. Sry to ramble, its my tendency. Ty again for the welcome and sharing with me.
Moonie