Letter To Mom? Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Letter To Mom? Please Help!
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 12:47pm

So as you know I have been battling internally for while, do I continue to see family or not.

Now I seriously feel my mother has been treating me terribly for years but it got particularly worse since I disclosed (you would hope in 'normal' situation, I would get more help not less!)

Anyway, I have been treated worse than a piece of dirt and yet in reality I am the one that upset, but I have held out the olive branch time and time again even when it clearly not deserved.

You can imagine my total horror when last year my mom said spending Xmas on my own was my own fault.

I seriously feel I am being revictimised over and over again, I can't believe people I am related to would be have in such a lowly manner but still...

So anyway, I disclosed the whole story today to a good friend of mine who I haven't seen for ages. She could never understand these issues I had with family etc. before and I finally decided to tell her. At first she asked how could remember as I was so young which hurt a bit as I felt she may be questioning me but after she said she did believe me, why would I lie she said.

She looked pretty disgusted at my family and said my dad deserved to die and really said what I felt(it felt so good to have someone on 'my' side) that she thought I should not be involved with my mom anymore as I told her it hurt everytime I went to see her and my mom was making me feel very outcast.

Society talks about 'but they are family' as that is supposed to be a carte blanche to accept anything from them? For me family have caused me nothing but heartache and unhappiness most of the time.

Like my friend said I am never going to get what I want or need from them.
My only concern is I want to keep seeing my nephews, I think I may have to meet with sister in law and say I still want to see kids but not at my moms (which is where we all meet)

I can't stand my moms coldness, rudeness and general negative attitude towards me, it re-traumatises me all over again.

Worst part is I don't really feel supported by my counsellor to move away from family, I feel like she wants me to 'work through it' but I know she has never experienced CSA so how can she really understand?

So the point was, a while ago I wanted to go and see my mom at work (where she couldn't hide behind my stepdad and have all the power as it is her house) and say exactly what I think of her, what she has done, how she failed to protect me and I won't play her victim anymore.

My friend said she would write a letter and say all she felt about it all.

I know in books they say write a letter but don't send it I guess as they think it will cause damage but I feel we are at complete damage point anyway.

I have no support in any way from my mom at all, not in any area of my life, she has a responsibility to protect and try and support me but she doesn't so therefore we have relationship.

To be honest all I feel now for her is total hate towards her, I feel the damage is irrepairable and that is not a nice place to be but it motivates me to get away from her.

So I wonder whether to send the letter and say my peace, which I feel I want to (I want her to feel the hurt she has put me through) anyone else have any ideas/feel the same? I mean if I am not planning to continue a relationship with her (which I think she decided a long long time ago, then surely it doesn't matter, but will I one day regret it?)

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 4:57pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Sat, 04-18-2009 - 5:35pm


I'm mostly a "lurker" but I've been following your posts for a while now because they shadow my life a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 4:50am
Thanks, that is really helpful.
Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
Avatar for ateachersangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 11:22am

Hi there. I definitely agree with what Peg said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 2:10pm

Yes I see your points very clearly, in fact I have sent letters to my mom before and it's done little good.

I think when you are full of emotion and pain, you just want rid of the feelings.

With regards to my abuser, it was my dad who abused me but I have been questioning lately whether my brother did anything (but none of the family know about my questioning of my brother)

I haven't intended to disclose to the family about my brother, mainly because I am unsure if anything happened, I just have a 'feeling'

It is clear my T doesn;t think anything happened with my brother and when I took her up on that opinion, she said I hadn't said anything that really suggested anything happened, think she thinks I am getting mixed up with my dad but I feel her attitude damaging to our trust and bond, because I need her of all people to believe what I say

Anyway I am digressing now, I think I will try and do what the books tell me to do, to write one letter after another to the perp and rest of family until there is no more energy left.

I could write a letter a day for example and get all my anger out and see how I feel after, sending is probably not a good idea.

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 5:37pm

Hi Fluppet {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I always feel SO repetitive, which in ITSELF is redundant! ;o)

My thoughts are ALWAYS the same on this subject. Of COURSE I have been prejudiced by my own experiences. Here goes in a nutshell...

When I came out about the abuse to my mother and others she did not believe me. It took a while but within a few months, i guess, the family had abandoned me.

I am NOW 61. It has gotten a lot easier, HOWEVER...I STILL find myself saying "How can an ENTIRE family throw away someone like a piece of GARBAGE? Like a pile of chit? I had a brother, aunts, uncles and cousins. So they did what THEY had to do to survive. It hurt like hell and it *&$^(* SUCKS! People keep themselves in denial, people make choices!

I HAVE made it to the point where I KNOW for SURE I am better off w/o them. My arms are hurting so I have to stop.

Best wishes,

Mady Bead Good

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