Letter To Mom? Please Help!
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|Sat, 04-18-2009 - 12:47pm|
So as you know I have been battling internally for while, do I continue to see family or not.
Now I seriously feel my mother has been treating me terribly for years but it got particularly worse since I disclosed (you would hope in 'normal' situation, I would get more help not less!)
Anyway, I have been treated worse than a piece of dirt and yet in reality I am the one that upset, but I have held out the olive branch time and time again even when it clearly not deserved.
You can imagine my total horror when last year my mom said spending Xmas on my own was my own fault.
I seriously feel I am being revictimised over and over again, I can't believe people I am related to would be have in such a lowly manner but still...
So anyway, I disclosed the whole story today to a good friend of mine who I haven't seen for ages. She could never understand these issues I had with family etc. before and I finally decided to tell her. At first she asked how could remember as I was so young which hurt a bit as I felt she may be questioning me but after she said she did believe me, why would I lie she said.
She looked pretty disgusted at my family and said my dad deserved to die and really said what I felt(it felt so good to have someone on 'my' side) that she thought I should not be involved with my mom anymore as I told her it hurt everytime I went to see her and my mom was making me feel very outcast.
Society talks about 'but they are family' as that is supposed to be a carte blanche to accept anything from them? For me family have caused me nothing but heartache and unhappiness most of the time.
Like my friend said I am never going to get what I want or need from them.
My only concern is I want to keep seeing my nephews, I think I may have to meet with sister in law and say I still want to see kids but not at my moms (which is where we all meet)
I can't stand my moms coldness, rudeness and general negative attitude towards me, it re-traumatises me all over again.
Worst part is I don't really feel supported by my counsellor to move away from family, I feel like she wants me to 'work through it' but I know she has never experienced CSA so how can she really understand?
So the point was, a while ago I wanted to go and see my mom at work (where she couldn't hide behind my stepdad and have all the power as it is her house) and say exactly what I think of her, what she has done, how she failed to protect me and I won't play her victim anymore.
My friend said she would write a letter and say all she felt about it all.
I know in books they say write a letter but don't send it I guess as they think it will cause damage but I feel we are at complete damage point anyway.
I have no support in any way from my mom at all, not in any area of my life, she has a responsibility to protect and try and support me but she doesn't so therefore we have relationship.
To be honest all I feel now for her is total hate towards her, I feel the damage is irrepairable and that is not a nice place to be but it motivates me to get away from her.
So I wonder whether to send the letter and say my peace, which I feel I want to (I want her to feel the hurt she has put me through) anyone else have any ideas/feel the same? I mean if I am not planning to continue a relationship with her (which I think she decided a long long time ago, then surely it doesn't matter, but will I one day regret it?)