More memories (rd xenalinas b4 mine)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
More memories (rd xenalinas b4 mine)
4
Wed, 04-22-2009 - 10:26pm
I need to share the two memories I have of abuse as a teenager, but if u can only rd one post, pls rd xenalina's. She needs help now where I've carried this around half my life and don't need feedback as quickly. I will try not to be too detailed but this may b hard for some of u to hear. Most of u know that someone attempted to rape my neice recently. During that time, I was the only reasonable adult around so steve (my T) coached me on how to "counsel" her. Surprise, surprise I realized I was molested and date raped by three men as a teenager. Sigh. This is my hardest post yet. I couldn't look at Steve when he asked what new memories I had. When I was a sophmore (I think) I went to my first teenage party. My best friends mom dropped us off and us two girls went together. Idk what I expected, but this wasn't it. We were the youngest. There were about six girls, 15 guys ages 14-25ish in an apartment (my friend was dating a 22yo who was there.) I know we drank and I drank too much, naturally I had to go potty. Wow, I feel a panic attack coming already. Idk if they were waiting or followed me in but nxt I know I'm in the bathroom in the dark not alone and the door is locked. Someone started kissing me and I kissed back. Then I remember there were too many hands for one person (there was at least two, I don't think there was more than four) their hands were everywhere and I cld feel certain parts of their body against me. I was naïve I didn't know what I felt. By this time I was done kissing but he forced his mouth on mine (to keep me quiet?) My skirt was hiked up and I remember fingers. Omg. This is hard. I was terrified. I wanted out, lights something. They knew I was upset so they squished me between them. I cldnt move! Someone picked me up and sat me on the edge of the counter. Oh. I remember now he actially put his hand over my mouth! More fingers and I felt him trying to rape me. At that moment my friend began banging on the door. I was able to scream. I remember she was angry because one of them was her boyfriend. Then I was in the hall, curled in a ball crying. All I remember is that she was mad at me and I cried. That's all the memory I have. This is so muvh harder than I thought. I'm in tears, but this helps me heal right? Hpe so. I nvr spoke about what happened in there to a soul. Sad as this is, I felt like a whore. I felt like it was part of teenage life and I was the whore now. Even now, it makes me feel that way. That's why I cldnt look at Steve. I shouldve known better. Now I know I was tricked and there were probably three or four in there. The ppl at the party had to know; the apt was tiny. I almost wish I had no memory of this or the nxt one.
The second memory was a night we were in a car. Three guys (hs age I think) and one girl (can't remember but that's what feels right.) We drank. One minute I was fine..the next I'm on the sand. Idk where half my clothes r and ppl r watching. I'm horrified. He's my friend! He was raping me but he was raping me with his body and his hand. How is that possible? Now I'm on a car hood. Same guy (I'm pretty sure but at that time I was sure of nothing) he's STILL raping me. Will it ever stop? I'm too weak to do a thing. Ppl were watching. I think they were laughing. It lasted all night long I think. The others cldve raped me too. I will nvr know. I remember nothing after the hood. Once again, I was the whore. How cld I sleep with that guy. Looking back, I realize it was one-sided and I was drugged. At the time date rape was unknown to me. I was naïve. Noone has heard this but yall and Steve. I tld my neice the first story hoping she would avoid older guys and drinking. Period.
This means FIVE men, at least, abused me. A lot of ppl aren't even intimate with that many. Steve says multiple abuses is common but I don't think I've ever heard of that. I'm like an old used up shoe. Heck that's what I was before my 16th bday. I can't shake the feeling I was a whore. Even hearing different from Steve didn't change that and I value his opinion. If anyone read this, ty for listening. Its one of the hardest things I've done. I didn't wanna be too detailed but I felt like skimming over would make my denialk worse. It boils down to, half of my life I was used and abused as a swx toy for a bunch if pervs. HOW did noone help me? HOW was mama not there? HOW did my brothers, even not know. I wish I cld remember the aftermath. Maybe I was good at deception. I need to go take a sedative now. Ty anyone who listened. Yall r my cyber family.
Moonie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 6:04pm

Moonie,


My family had no clue things had happened to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 6:28pm
Wow! You said almost verbatim what the therapist told me. I never thought about the premeditation. That's a good pt. I think these r harder for me bcause at that age I knew about sex and I shouldn't have been defenseless. I was a virgin before this, tho. Even now, I cld care less if I ever have sex again. Maybe if I had a true relationship with dh where I felt the intimate connection. Idk. Ill nvr have that relationship with him cause he is bipolar. A few days ago he missed a whole day of lithium. I've been waiting for the manic signs and today it happened. I left a book at the dr on sat so I called and told 'em. They put a note on it that sais "will p/u on wed. And my first and last name." Today he thre the book on a table and said "nice note." I read it ouloud and he says, "No. It says will play on wed. No wonder you were up all night long." Last night I went to sleep at five, woke at six, back to sleep at eight and stayed asleep til 5. So, I'm nvr gonna trust him. Its hurtful that he thinks I'm out messing with guys at night. If I don't even wanna have sex with him, why would I add somene lse to the mix. a reasonable person would've seen it was a ridiculous allegation but manic ppl r not rational. Ty for replying. You are the only one. I hope I didn't offend neone or being back bad memories. Your advice was really good and I appreciate that. It took me about an hour to write that down and I was very much like in a flashback. I had a severe panic attack and everything. Aomeone said tlking about it gives it less power over you. I had to try but I was scared that it would b offensive or cause someone stress. I don't remember a lot but certain details r so clear. I guess I also felt I had to explain it from my mind's pov at the time bcause I was afraid ppl would think I'm a whore.
Moonie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 7:31pm

Thinking of what could have been done or should have been done just makes things worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 7:51pm
That's so true. Steve (my T)and I are working on living in the present, relaxation techniques, healthy self soothing (vs binge eating and he doesn't know this part but self-medicating) and appropriate boundaries. Apparently I am a very co-dependent person. I had no idea but when he told me that I had to stop trying to protect everyone and mothering everyone, he hit the nail on the head. I'm also trying to learn that when I "talk to myself" I need to be positive. He was surprised that I was trying to rationalize the behavior of my abusers from the times when I was older. Even as a T, he was surprised at the level of shame and embarraddment I felt when I told him. I had txted him that some memories came back, and I was hoping he wouldn't remember that. When he asked me I saidn "I don't thin I want to talk about that today." Obviously the wrong thing to say to your T. When he started asking why I didn't wanna tlk about it and why I xouldnt look at him, I just gave up and told him.even so, he got the "kwik and dirty" version, not the version here. Posting here was kind of a dry run for me. Even with anonymity and the safety the board gives me, I had such a bad panic attack, I felt like I was being stabbed and couldn't breathe. Truly it was immensely difficult. I want him to know the detials, but I don't think I'm rdy. I did give him details of the date rape bcause I rlly don't have many. I only failed to mention that the guy violated me in every way possible. He didn't force me orally, but I wasn't able to even if he had tried. Ty for listening. I'm really trying to get the feeling that I was responsible out of my head. Its easier to know I wasn't responsible as a child. Its also hard not to believe I did SOMETHING to encourage this bcause I was abused so many times! I really needed to know if it was common for sa survivors to have had multiple attackers. He did tell me that its common.