So, So Hurt
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|Thu, 04-30-2009 - 11:28am|
Ok, so I now have a lovely new boyfriend who seems to be all I could want in a guy, we have had some ups and downs naturally but I know he is a good guy and I have support there.
But we had s*x last night for the 3rd time in our relationship, even though I enjoyed it I felt I may have been suppressing a memory from childhood. We have taken things so slowly but last night I just want to have my life back and didn't care.
So anyway I have a brother that lives in America. We have had a stormy relationship and he can be a real b*stard at times but our father recently died (my a*user)
When I came out with the a*use he literally bullied me into going to the police (he had come to England for a few weeks) at the time I was weak and vulnerable and agreed to do it and then when I did he told the police he thought I was a liar, he did not stand by me nor did any of my family despite the fact my parents had split and none of us had seen my father in years.
How could I ever forgive my own brother doing that to me. He was never really involved with the others in family before that and he was protective of me a times but since I disclosed about the a*use they have all huddled together and are playing happy families EXCLUDING me, this is not my imagination. It's like they have all become best pals, it's sickening. No-one ever talked to my brother in the US and now I hear that my mom, stepdad and other brother all have regular contact, but do not contact me at all.
Now my other brother who my brother disliked, they are getting on so well.
So I didn't speak to the one in the US for a year and heard nothing from him. I felt I would never speak to him again, then for some reason I requested him as a friend on Facebook. He accepted.
Then to my real suprise, he challenged me to a game of scrabble, we played as kids and I thought maybe he was trying to patch things up. All that day I had mixed feelings but I felt so glad that I felt accepted again and he was making the effort, I was still mad but there was some hope.
Anyway turns out that it wasn't him requesting to play scrabble but another guy with a similar name. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it and even worse how he had reacted since I disclosed.
Last time he came home from the US was when our father was dying and I told of the a*use, he was literally bullying my mom into not believing or supporting me aswell (which I know for a fact he did this)
It turns out he is behaving worse than my father, a controlling bully of the lowest form.
So why would I ever ever have contact with him again, not sure really but my new boyfriends reminds me of my brother sooooo much (the good bits).
I don't think I will ever forgive my brother for how he treated me over this.
Today it all got too much for me as my brother had put 'family stuff' on Facebook. Some photos of our grand parents, my nephew, uncle, cousins but none of me.
For me it was like I don't exsist, the pain I feel inside is so great and I know in my heart that people that treat me the way my family have deserve to have no contact with me ever again but it still hurts and wounds me.
He is my only brother, now I have no father, no real mother, my stepdad has stopped contacting me.
I feel totally abandoned, I feel so hurt, so angry so delicate. I know I have a great new partner but to let go of so many people from my life (which I have to do for my sanity) is just so hrad no matter how e*il they are, we all want to belong.
Of course the obvious step is to delete him from facebook which I will gladly do but the thought of letting so many people so is a grieving process (even if they were truly bad and have just constantly hurt me over and over again).
My new boyfriend is nice but I feel like I am putting all my eggs in one basket, but I know he has a good family and wants me to meet them. I am fidning it hard to accept the love he give me after being used to being hurt and abused so much, it's like that is all I am used to.
I am reaching out to my friends to hold me up :)
Edited 4/30/2009 11:40 am ET by fluppet