So, So Hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
So, So Hurt
4
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 11:28am

Ok, so I now have a lovely new boyfriend who seems to be all I could want in a guy, we have had some ups and downs naturally but I know he is a good guy and I have support there.

But we had s*x last night for the 3rd time in our relationship, even though I enjoyed it I felt I may have been suppressing a memory from childhood. We have taken things so slowly but last night I just want to have my life back and didn't care.

So anyway I have a brother that lives in America. We have had a stormy relationship and he can be a real b*stard at times but our father recently died (my a*user)

When I came out with the a*use he literally bullied me into going to the police (he had come to England for a few weeks) at the time I was weak and vulnerable and agreed to do it and then when I did he told the police he thought I was a liar, he did not stand by me nor did any of my family despite the fact my parents had split and none of us had seen my father in years.

How could I ever forgive my own brother doing that to me. He was never really involved with the others in family before that and he was protective of me a times but since I disclosed about the a*use they have all huddled together and are playing happy families EXCLUDING me, this is not my imagination. It's like they have all become best pals, it's sickening. No-one ever talked to my brother in the US and now I hear that my mom, stepdad and other brother all have regular contact, but do not contact me at all.

Now my other brother who my brother disliked, they are getting on so well.

So I didn't speak to the one in the US for a year and heard nothing from him. I felt I would never speak to him again, then for some reason I requested him as a friend on Facebook. He accepted.

Then to my real suprise, he challenged me to a game of scrabble, we played as kids and I thought maybe he was trying to patch things up. All that day I had mixed feelings but I felt so glad that I felt accepted again and he was making the effort, I was still mad but there was some hope.

Anyway turns out that it wasn't him requesting to play scrabble but another guy with a similar name. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it and even worse how he had reacted since I disclosed.

Last time he came home from the US was when our father was dying and I told of the a*use, he was literally bullying my mom into not believing or supporting me aswell (which I know for a fact he did this)

It turns out he is behaving worse than my father, a controlling bully of the lowest form.

So why would I ever ever have contact with him again, not sure really but my new boyfriends reminds me of my brother sooooo much (the good bits).

I don't think I will ever forgive my brother for how he treated me over this.

Today it all got too much for me as my brother had put 'family stuff' on Facebook. Some photos of our grand parents, my nephew, uncle, cousins but none of me.

For me it was like I don't exsist, the pain I feel inside is so great and I know in my heart that people that treat me the way my family have deserve to have no contact with me ever again but it still hurts and wounds me.

He is my only brother, now I have no father, no real mother, my stepdad has stopped contacting me.

I feel totally abandoned, I feel so hurt, so angry so delicate. I know I have a great new partner but to let go of so many people from my life (which I have to do for my sanity) is just so hrad no matter how e*il they are, we all want to belong.

Of course the obvious step is to delete him from facebook which I will gladly do but the thought of letting so many people so is a grieving process (even if they were truly bad and have just constantly hurt me over and over again).

My new boyfriend is nice but I feel like I am putting all my eggs in one basket, but I know he has a good family and wants me to meet them. I am fidning it hard to accept the love he give me after being used to being hurt and abused so much, it's like that is all I am used to.

I am reaching out to my friends to hold me up :)

Flup xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx




Edited 4/30/2009 11:40 am ET by fluppet
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: fluppet
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 3:44pm
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
In reply to: fluppet
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 6:33pm

Jen, I had this same discussion with my T just this morning. I brought pictures of all my siblings. I told him how I have been trying to bring my family back together for the past 40 years. Since 1968, the 4 of us have been together TWICE and it was disasterous both times. We all revert right back to our childhood rolls even though this last time we were all between 45 and 55 years old.

Jen, your abusive dad attracted a wounded mom who made wounded children. You were the most wounded. Because you were the worst, you HAD to change in order to survive. The rest of your family doesn't have that need to change. Change is hard and you have to want to do the work and make the changes. If your life is stationary and bearable, why do the hard work and change even though it might make your life a lot better. If they aren't uncomfortable enough, they don't see or feel the need to change.

I had no choice but to change. It was change or die. My brothers have made some changes but both want to keep their distance from my sister and I. My sister has never been in therapy and sees no reason for it. She feels her life is fine. Her son died of a drug overdose, her daughter has been in therapy for 24 years, and she got divorced this year after 47 years of marriage(separated for 5 years). But she sees no reason to make any changes and she's just fine. Just everyone she's touched in her life has had problems....I wonder why????

So today I talked with my T about forgetting about my family of origin. I will keep in touch but I need to take those feelings and replace them with something else. I need to mourn the passing of my family. My parents destroyed our ability to be a family. Abusive parents make either abused or abusive kids. In my family, we have 1 badly abused(me) one abuser(my sister) and 2 who are both(my brothers). It is just not healthy for me to be around them. They revert to being abusers again around me. It's also not good for them. So for their sakes and mine, I have decided to let them go. They will be family in name only but not in my heart or soul. I feel sory for them but I can't change them. They have to do that and since they have decided not to fully change, I have no choice but to protect myself.

And you have the same problem. The rest of your family sounds like wounded abusers. They have the choice to change but they choose not to, you can't make them. And to save yourself, you need to set up very firm boundaries that they are not allowed to cross. And you must set up a boundary for yourself......don't go hoping they'll change. They must prove it first then you'll consider letting them into your life.

PTSD is a life or death disease and you must remember that. It's your life I'm worried about and that you should be worried about. Infected family members are just like people with swine flu....to be avoided at all costs! It's hard but necessary. Go meet your new boyfrined's family and perhaps you'll find some of the normal family life you've missed. But if you feel red flags, then you'll know that something is wrong there too. We abuse victims, especially very young victims, have our "abusedar" and must heed it. But for your sake, I hope he is normal and so is his family and perhaps you'll find a new family there.

Hang in there...you know I care about you..........Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
In reply to: fluppet
Thu, 04-30-2009 - 8:09pm

(((Fluppet)))


I feel your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: fluppet
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 8:26am
Thanks guys so much, love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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