Depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Depressed
8
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 8:05am

I just seemed to be so depressed, I feel like I am never going to feel any better, I feel my life is in tatters, I feel so hurt and betrayed by people and just mope around at the moment.

I feel like this big blanket of darkness smothering me, I feel like I don't want anyone near me and I am scared of pushing my new boyfriend away or just sabotaging the relationship.

I know I am probably grieving, my father died only 3 months ago and I feel like I have been deserted and abandoned by every male relation too which is affecting my trust with men and may impact my new relationship.

I just hate not understanding what I feel or why I am feeling it.

I don't want to take pills but emotionally it's like all I feel is negativity.

Maybe I have been damaged in a way that is irreparable, I just feel like my heart can't take all the betrayal and I don't know how to stop internailising my feelings. I feel hopeless and I feel like I don't to see anyone right now.

I feel like I hate everyone right now, I don't even like friends I feel everyone is out to get me. I feel like even my T doesn't have the skills to help me, I feel she is limited but the thought of starting with a new T is unbearable.

I am moving soon so I am probably stressed about that but I feel so angry and let down by everyone in the world, I feel my insecurity will never go away and I don't have the energy to keep fighting this battle, I feel very few people want to take the time to understand whats going on with me and that really hurts.

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: fluppet
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 12:42pm

Also I am grieving the loss of all my family as I have to be away from them. My father (my abuser) died 3 mths ago. I miss my brother but I know I have to be away from him as he so toxic, he said to the police that I was lying about the abuse, how could he do that to me and now just carry on with his life like nothing happened, I have seem his holiday pics on Facebook and what an injustice that I am sitting here with arthritis and 'they' are carrying on with their life but all these people gone I just feel so so empty and everyone else around me seems settled and stable.

I feel like I am only 30 years old, how can anyone be sooo unlucky in life to have to deal with all this bulls*it, maybe I am focussing on problems and negativity too much but I am so incensed that this BS has gone on.

I feel my family are heartless fools and I just got so unlucky with who I got as parents. How can my mom be so hostile with me right now when it should be the other way around, how has she manipulated the situation to make out she is the victim, I feel I will never be the same again after this heartache. I feel I have to cut my family out of my life for good, they cause so much damage.

I feel in a dark place, I feel like I hate the world and don't want anyone near me, is that normal, I don't want to be close to anyone right now. I don't want to be near my boyfriend, I want space and distance from him, is that normal? I don't want to hurt him but I feel suffocated right now even though he has been supportive and understanding about my situation, I have never had someone be so nice to me.

I don't know who to trust anymore, I am suspicious of everyone, I don't know who is good for me whether the friends I have got are unhealthy for me, I am so so so so so confused and that makes me feel depressed, I just can't trust my feelings, years of manipulation have messed me up.

When I uncovered the abuse 2 years ago I vowed never ever to trust another person ever again but I have trusted again and been burnt, I seem to have attracted one controlling person after another, how can I be safe and protect myself from unhealthy people, I am so vulnerable right now with little protection, I feel so alone.

I am even wondering if my boyfriend is bad for me what if he turns out to be an abuser. He has said a million nice things to me but also a couple of not nice things too. Also I don;t feel attractive around him even though he tells me I am beautiful quite often.

Maybe my uncertain feelings about him are justified, I am vulnerable right now but then again maybe I am about to sabotage something really good.

Fluppet x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x 




Edited 5/3/2009 12:53 pm ET by fluppet
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
In reply to: fluppet
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 8:54pm

Jen, I only have couple of minutes for a quick response tonight so I'll be back tomorrow but I wanted to share a little story with you.

Many year ago I complained to my T about how unfair it was that I ended up with the "nut" family, the "abuse" family, the "we hate Jenny" family. He promptly told me to never use the words fair or unfair to describe life. Fair and unfair were words we all use to decide if a move or play in a game is good or not. But life is not a game so the words don't apply. Life is simply life and you get what you get. But you can also change what you want to change. You make of your life what you want to.

That is why in my post about my mother trying to kill both of us I forgave her. I made the decision....not her or anyone else. I decided I would have a better life if I forgave her. I did it for me. Plain and simple. No games, no fair or foul. She did it and I forgave her for my sake. If I hadn't, I'd be wondering what is wrong with me that she did that. By deciding that SHE was sick, I could forgive her actions and accept that SHE had a problem. Sometimes it really is that simple.

It's your life and you get to make the decisions that are best for you....no games, no fair, no foul. And you get to live it the way you want without their trying to make it a game. It's a simple concept but a hard one to grasp and incorporate into your life but it really helps.

I'll be back tomorrow to see if you get it or if I need to explain further. Lord knows it took me a long time to understand it and live it.

Take care and hold on. I care.

gentle hugs...................JennyB

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: fluppet
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 9:27am

Nice post! Your thoughts brought to mind AA's serenity prayer:


"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."


The cool thing was when I heard someone change the words slightly:


"God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can change (myself) and the wisdom to know the difference."


Just that subtle shift made a world of difference in my perspective.


Jenny, you're so right --

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
In reply to: fluppet
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 1:56pm

Thank you Gail. And I like that change in the Serenity poem. Something to cross stitch and hang on the wall!

I learned this before I even knew I was an abuse victim but this T seemed to sense that something was wrong in the family and I think he knew and was preparing me for the future as he was leaving his practice here. And it been so important to me since.

Life is life. We are all allowed to have "pity parties" now and then and have a right to feel sorry for ourselves but we must limit it and then get on with the business of growing up and going on. When you are abused at a very young age it's so hard to go back and pick up from there and be your own parent. The human personality is set around age 5-6 and so if the abuse is prior to that, it means analyzing your own personality and trying to change it or at least know the signs that your 2 year old coping skills are not working! That's what I've been working on until this whole thing of a possible alternate personality showed up. I think just knowing she might be there is enough for me. No bringing the 2 together.....I don't WANT to know what she knows!

And Jen, this goes for you too. You agonize over your family's treatment of you but you must always remember....they grew up under the same parents as you but the abuse affected them differently....if they were abused. Often it's only 1 member of the family. And they were clueless or turned their heads as my siblings did because they were helpless to stop it. You need to remember that even 30 years ago there was no diagnosis for adults abused as kids so if your father was abused, he couldn't get help. No one believed it until quite recently. I was diagnosed schizophrenic and told I made up what little abuse I did remember. And I know it was the same for my mother. She was most certainly abused and badly but there was no help for her back in the 40's and 50's. Postpartum depression and psychosis wasn't even recognized back then. It was "baby blues". So I can forgive her. I had to search and search for that help but I got it...finally...by seeing an abuse investigator for the state. I knew she HAD to acknowledge it happened. But that was in 1985 and I had been in therapy since 1968. Change comes even more slowly to the mental health field.

That T from the state gave me a little plaque that says..."Your life is God's gift to you....What you do with it is your gift to God".

Gentle hugs.................JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2008
In reply to: fluppet
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 5:43pm

"I feel like I am only 30 years old, how can anyone be sooo unlucky in life to have to deal with all this bulls*it, maybe I am focussing on problems and negativity too much but I am so incensed that this BS has gone on."

Oh hun, I know exactly where you are coming from. Life seems to be so unjust, doesn't it? Often times when I think almost that exact same thought, I try to console myself by thinking, "God just knew that a lesser person wouldn't be able to handle it." I then think about all of the individuals in my life, both friends and family, who I am fairly certain would NOT be able to deal with all I have been through. I then thank the Lord that I was on the receiving end of the kick in the gut; that way my friends/family did not have to fall prey (as I did) to the monsters who hurt me so deeply.

"how can my mom be so hostile with me right now when it should be the other way around, how has she manipulated the situation to make out she is the victim,"

Some people just never understand... and never change. The human race is incredibly selfish indeed; an unfortunate truth. Some people will never care about others as much as they care about themselves; even their family members. SO sorry you are having to deal with someone like that. ESPECIALLY sorry that it is your mother- of all people- who lacks life's gift of compassion and truth.

"When I uncovered the abuse 2 years ago I vowed never ever to trust another person ever again but I have trusted again and been burnt, I seem to have attracted one controlling person after another,"

The small point that you RECOGNIZE the fact that you are attracted to controlling individuals is a HUGE step in the right direction! Many people cannot even get that far into recovering from a negative past. And vowing to not trust anyone again... been there. I am all too familiar with the hurt and distrust. But you HAVE to hold on to your faith in the human race. Maybe not the people who are immediately around you, but there are people out there- good people. I promise they exist. You just have to find them. Use your caution to weed out the majority of the bad eggs, and then try to learn to trust again.

"He has said a million nice things to me but also a couple of not nice things too."

Just wanted to point out, BAD SIGN. I am not sure how long you have been together, but he should NOT be saying bad things to you... PERIOD. If you are able to hold your tongue in fights (assuming that you can), then he should be able to as well. That is part of being an adult.

So terribly sorry that you feel so low... life is cruel at times. You are a VERY strong woman... and that won't change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: fluppet
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 6:27pm

""He has said a million nice things to me but also a couple of not nice things too."

Just wanted to point out, BAD SIGN. I am not sure how long you have been together, but he should NOT be saying bad things to you... PERIOD. If you are able to hold your tongue in fights (assuming that you can), then he should be able to as well. That is part of being an adult."

Oh no I am all worried now, he hasn't said things deliberately in spite, he may have made a comment that I found insensitive and then I have been upset with him and he has apologised a million times.

We have only been together 2 months so still learning about each other.

He has admitted he can be insensitive at times and now he knows what upsets type of things upset me (like anything about physical stuff) he will avoid it. I have made negaive comments to him too, I am a very sensitive person too.

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: fluppet
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 11:25am
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: fluppet
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 2:43pm

I have been feeling a bit better over past few days, thank you to all you kind people who have offered much needed support, hope I can help others when I am feeling a bit stronger.

Jen xxxxxxxx

Fluppet x
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