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|Sun, 05-03-2009 - 12:58pm|
My T asked me Thursday if I was done remembering and I looked at him and said NO. At the time I didn't know why I said it.....just a sense that something more was coming and was big.
Well, I think I may have found it. This should not be triggering to anyone as it doesn't involve any abuse.
The T who originally helped me remember thought it was a miracle I hadn't become a multiple personality. My current T thinks I may have about age 5 1/2 and I felt that if I had, it was disrupted when we moved away from New Jersey to Canada. Therefore, it never developed.
Well.....all weekend I've been obcessed with my neck surgery 2 years ago and the morphine psychosis(causes a dopamine cascade that causes memory lapses and psychotic behavior)I went through because that is when all this stuff started to come back. So I've been researching morphine psychosis and I think I've figured something out. I could not find a single account of people who became extremely nice and reported almost no pain after surgery while suffering from morphine psychosis. What I started to experience on the 4th day after they discontinued the IV morphine was classic morphine psychosis but days 1,2 and 3 I was the nicest person on the floor! They sent a psychologist down to see me on day 4 to tell me not to blame myself for anything I remembered doing or saying as it was drug induced. I thought the memories I did have that were bad(combative, paranoid, hallucinating)were from the 4 days I lost. It wasn't until I got hold of my entire chart(courtesy of a lawyer)that I read in the nurses notes that everything I remember is from the morning of the 4th day. I was the "perfect patient" for the 3 previous days that are TOTAL blanks.
I'm starting to think I did develop that alternate personality and it emerged for those 3 days due to the morphine psychosis. Apparently if you have neurotic or psychotic tendencies, morphine can bring it out big time. But a second personality??????
So I've emailed my T and asked him to start researching. I've always told people my name is Jenny and NEVER ask to be called Jennifer. To me, Jennifer is a bad name, one I heard just before being hit. I even told my T that Jennifer died as a child....killed by her parent's abuse. But maybe Jennifer is alive and is the alternate personality that could take any abuse without complaint and was always cheerful to try to avoid getting hurt.
This is a real mystery. I can understand why I would develop a second personality and am intrigued by the thought of it but the stupid thing is, if it exists, I don't know. She would know, but I wouldn't. This is one for the T to figure out.
love to all.................JennyB