why do I do destructive things to myself

Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
why do I do destructive things to myself
13
Sat, 05-16-2009 - 1:53pm
when I think about my molestation? i try not to think about it. But when I do work on it in therapy or think about it in detail, I will go into a self-destructive mode. Why? I don't understand it.
allie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 4:44pm
I can see how it can be a lifesaver. I've known about the abuse via flashbacks for a very long time ..but never had feelings..but was very unstable . I know I need support and I need to have places to come when i'm uptight. Feeling alone is the worst thing for me right now-so I'm reaching out.
thanks for your reply. I'm getting tips for how to take this sometimes 1 minute at a time to get through. that post about strength vs courage is wonderful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 4:34pm
I never looked because I didn't need it.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 4:30pm

Hi Melissacat,

I had flashbacks about abuse many years ago and went to a group cause I was unstable but had a great therapist and semi dealt with it-although there was some abuse that I felt I couldn't face.....I guess I thought things had simmered down. or were a non issue. I wanted move beyond it...

I went back into therapy several years ago-mostly cause I kept getting stuck in abusive "love" relationships. Well, it's been almost 2 years that i got out of last one and things started to resurface...mostly dissociative symptoms rather than memories per se. And although my last therapist talked to me about that, it didn't feel real. And actually neither did the abuse because it was always in flashback form or dreams...even though I was really struggling with hanging on/being a parent.

I had a hard session yesterday and had feelings -often I'm just kind of even keeled. I didn't want to face any of it and was struggling/and also feeling very "off" and felt desperate for support-so I got on line. I know that ivillage seems safe and reputable...and I was encouraged by opals feedback and wanted to respond. I never saw this board before .

The abuse was sexual and emotional/psychological-some of it was just weirdness .
There's more too that I feel hesitant about :lots of flashbacks about culty stuff ...and would like to ask if it happened to others. Suffice to say..flashbacks of multiple abusers and abuse . Thanks for the hug-I need it :)...and a hugs to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 2:42pm
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Welcome to our board.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 11:19pm

opal...i've never posted on this board but I am struggling so...your post is giving me hope and some belief in a way out...I will read the words for help as I feel very down and having a hard time tonight. where did you see this?or did you write it?

I do have the courage to move forward...but sometimes I want to lapse into that "strength" thing ....I turn to fury on me to obliterate the emotional agony. I lose sight of what I really need and simply react to the unbearableness of it all.

i used to call it "victim strength" vs "survivor strength".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 3:36am

Well, from what I understand is that we ALL do it. We all find "ways" of hurting ourselves and I TRULY believe the reason is this...We are TRYING to hurt and punish because we were so badly hurt! The "problem" with this little idea is that WE ARE PUNISHING THE WROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG PEOPLE. PLEASE read it again and try to remember that we are PUNISHING THE WRONG PEOPLE...well sounds easy to do but now that you have an idea WHY, mabye you can lay off hurting YOU! :o)

Best of luck!

With warms heart and hands,

Mady Bead Good
www.mwrg7.com

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Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 5:45pm

PMFJI but I thought your comment was interesting about how you feel "good and strong" by not eating. I think a lot of us understand your desire to feel strong. Strength has kept us safe. However, IMO it's only our courage that will free us.

**gentle hugs**

Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 4:18pm

Well it's been a week now of not really eating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 10:32pm
Allie,
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 1:55pm
eating disorders are not really much to do with weight. But Control. Delving into issues that are hard and out of your control makes us look for ANYTHING we CAN control.

Chaoslover


Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.


To live in fear is no life at all.

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

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