i thought i was doing good........
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i thought i was doing good........
|Thu, 05-21-2009 - 6:24pm|
I was sexualy abused by my x husband for years. He was abusive in other ways too. I had him removed from the house 4 years ago at the begining of this month when he pinned me down to the ground, was trying to rip off my clothes with the intention of forcefully raping me with our 9 year old son watching, and chocked me. There were other things that happened that night but that was how it ended. I have not lived with him since and have not talked to him in close to 2 years. We have 4 children together but he has nothing to do with them and he is currently sitting in jail in Florida for lewd conduct with a minor, my children and I live in New York.
That was the only time he tried to forcefully rape me. The other times he didn't let up with running his mouth till I gave in. He could be very cruel. Or I wouldn't want sex but knew if I said no he would start up on me so I wold have sex with him. When we were fighting I would wake up with him in me claiming he had been asleep and didn't know what he was doing at first. I wasn't allowed to sleep with clothes on. I learned to pretend to sleep though it so I didn't have to hear what a horrible person he was from him.
I made the mistake of telling him I felt like a whore because I was paid with peace and quiet. He told me he didn't want any more duty screws (he didn't say it that nicely) and I was only to have sex with him if I wanted to. That didn't last but what he started after that was to ask if I enjoyed it. If I said no he would start in on how horrible he was. If I said yes I was able to roll over and cry myself to sleep. The last 2 times we had sex it was me giving in after him running his mouth at me for days and me telling him to go ahead and rape me. He didn't ask after those times if I enjoyed it or say how horrible he was.
He would put me down all the time about sex. He would tell me that I only cared about satisfing myself. Yet he wanted sex with me at least 3 times a day but that was my fault because I never satisfied him. He would tell me that I didn't have a golden p@+o@ because he swore I tried to control him with it. He claimed he can't masterbrate and if he goes 3 days without sex he suffers from blue balls. So anytime I denied him as he saw it I was doing it to cause him pain and to get my way.
Up till yesterday I thought I was ok about all of this. I haven't really dealt with it but I have talked about it on the dv support board and I am in counseling but I don't talk about this stuff in counceling and it hasn't bothered me. But yesterday while watching someone on tv remember her characters rape I started to cry. For the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about things a lot due to this being the month things came to a head but it has been 4 years and it has never got to me like this. I was so emotionall drained yesterday and on edge. I was snapping and everyone and did not want my kids to touch me. I did not like the way I was feeling and dontunderstand why I was and was hoping someone here may or may have felt the same way. I wasn't even thinking about what happened to me while I cried or even after It. Was more of feeling overwhelming sadness and I don't cry very often but I couldn't stop myself and anytime the rest of the day I thought about what happened I wanted to cry again. I am doing better today but still feeling really down. I see my counslor wednesday but I am not sure how much experince he has with this type of thing and I don't want to wait till then to try and figure it all out. Sometimes I can figure things out by just typing it out but I am still confused on why it hit me so hard and what it was that I was feeling. I don't know if this means I am ready to deal with it now and need to or what. I see someone but it is long distance so we don't see each other often but sex has never been a problem for us. He did say something once that triggered a memory that has made me not enjoy sex with him as much as I did and I just realized that was why and can't talk to him about it because he will see it as me comparing him to my x (this isn't the first time he has done something like my x use to) and he doesn't like that.
Thank you for reading.