i thought i was doing good........

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
i thought i was doing good........
17
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 6:24pm

I was sexualy abused by my x husband for years. He was abusive in other ways too. I had him removed from the house 4 years ago at the begining of this month when he pinned me down to the ground, was trying to rip off my clothes with the intention of forcefully raping me with our 9 year old son watching, and chocked me. There were other things that happened that night but that was how it ended. I have not lived with him since and have not talked to him in close to 2 years. We have 4 children together but he has nothing to do with them and he is currently sitting in jail in Florida for lewd conduct with a minor, my children and I live in New York.



That was the only time he tried to forcefully rape me. The other times he didn't let up with running his mouth till I gave in. He could be very cruel. Or I wouldn't want sex but knew if I said no he would start up on me so I wold have sex with him. When we were fighting I would wake up with him in me claiming he had been asleep and didn't know what he was doing at first. I wasn't allowed to sleep with clothes on. I learned to pretend to sleep though it so I didn't have to hear what a horrible person he was from him.



I made the mistake of telling him I felt like a whore because I was paid with peace and quiet. He told me he didn't want any more duty screws (he didn't say it that nicely) and I was only to have sex with him if I wanted to. That didn't last but what he started after that was to ask if I enjoyed it. If I said no he would start in on how horrible he was. If I said yes I was able to roll over and cry myself to sleep. The last 2 times we had sex it was me giving in after him running his mouth at me for days and me telling him to go ahead and rape me. He didn't ask after those times if I enjoyed it or say how horrible he was.



He would put me down all the time about sex. He would tell me that I only cared about satisfing myself. Yet he wanted sex with me at least 3 times a day but that was my fault because I never satisfied him. He would tell me that I didn't have a golden p@+o@ because he swore I tried to control him with it. He claimed he can't masterbrate and if he goes 3 days without sex he suffers from blue balls. So anytime I denied him as he saw it I was doing it to cause him pain and to get my way.



Up till yesterday I thought I was ok about all of this. I haven't really dealt with it but I have talked about it on the dv support board and I am in counseling but I don't talk about this stuff in counceling and it hasn't bothered me. But yesterday while watching someone on tv remember her characters rape I started to cry. For the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about things a lot due to this being the month things came to a head but it has been 4 years and it has never got to me like this. I was so emotionall drained yesterday and on edge. I was snapping and everyone and did not want my kids to touch me. I did not like the way I was feeling and dontunderstand why I was and was hoping someone here may or may have felt the same way. I wasn't even thinking about what happened to me while I cried or even after It. Was more of feeling overwhelming sadness and I don't cry very often but I couldn't stop myself and anytime the rest of the day I thought about what happened I wanted to cry again. I am doing better today but still feeling really down. I see my counslor wednesday but I am not sure how much experince he has with this type of thing and I don't want to wait till then to try and figure it all out. Sometimes I can figure things out by just typing it out but I am still confused on why it hit me so hard and what it was that I was feeling. I don't know if this means I am ready to deal with it now and need to or what. I see someone but it is long distance so we don't see each other often but sex has never been a problem for us. He did say something once that triggered a memory that has made me not enjoy sex with him as much as I did and I just realized that was why and can't talk to him about it because he will see it as me comparing him to my x (this isn't the first time he has done something like my x use to) and he doesn't like that.



Thank you for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 10:33am
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Welcome to our board April.
 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 11:31pm

You didn't offend me at all. I was looking for the truth and I never want anyone to sugar coat things.


I am so sick of the triggers. This was the first about the sexual abuse and the others I have learned to deal with and they don't get me like they use to but this one really got to me. I hadn't realized this had been a trigger since the other times something has been a trigger it has triggered memories not feelings with out the memories.


The only counselor that I know of for sure that works were I go that could help me can't because it would be a conflict of interest. I have thought about going some where else but I hate the thought of starting over and this hadn't been an issue until now so I hadn't thought about dealing with it.


I am not sure why my guy friend didn't like it when he thought I compared him to my x. What had happened was we were playing cards on line and he flirted with who ever was playing against us to get a reaction out of me. He didn't like the one he got because I didn't get jealous. I am not a jealous person. Me not getting jealous was something my x use to complain about all the time and he was famous for doing things to get a reaction out of me. When I told my guy friend what he had done had been something like my x would have done he got upset because he thought I had compared him to my x. My x is a very sick person and I wouldn't want to be compared to him either but that wasn't what I was trying to do and I just realized about this new trigger. Maybe if I explain it to him along the lines of it being a trigger he will understand it better and not see it as me comparing him to my x. We use to talk about everything without me having to worry about things like this.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 4:37pm

I hope all is going well with you April.


HUGS


 

 

 

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 11:26am

I am doing a lot better. I found a decent link on triggers and ( http://www.ualberta.ca/~uasac/Triggers.htm


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Sat, 05-30-2009 - 4:17pm
I'm glad everything is going well for you April.

 

 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 8:54pm
~hugs~
I just saw this and wanted to reach out to you and tell you I understand.
Sometimes just when you think it's ALL behind you the past comes up and bites you.
Dealing with some stuff from my past and a lot of bs from my ex-fiancé...sometimes I think I just am not comfortable with him and not attracted and it's because of things he has said and things between us have never been and never will be the same again.
Triggers were pretty much seeming to "fade" away but because of stress I am going through they are coming back...
I have a lot of "stuff" that happened between my ex-husband and myself that I have not told or shared with anyone and just tried to stuff it down but it's still there.
I know what happened is not my fault but it has affected me and my life after our separation/divorce and subsequent relationships...I think sometimes we are too hard on ourselves and we don't give ourselves enough credit...we can't help but compare...we do not need/want a repeat of what happened and are just trying to protect oursleves from being hurt again.
Nightangel
Nightangel
Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 8:39pm

Thank you. I needed to be told that it was normal by someone who had been there and done that but as you have noticed I don't post to much on the other board about the things that go wrong. My ex mil use to lurk on the board (thanks to the ex for telling her about it) and I don't want them knowing when I am having a bad day. It has actually been a bad month and the thoughts on the sexual abuse hit me out of no where because I hadn't had a problem with any of that till then. To many triggers this past month and I am waiting for them to go away. I was doing better after I talked about things here but something set me off again and I am right back to were I started before I posted here. I really want off this roller coaster!! I have counseling tomorrow and I hope that helps a lot .......


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Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 8:47pm

As you can see from my response to nightangel I am no longer doing so well. I feel like I did before I went on someting to help me so I made an appointment for Wednesday to see what we should do about that. I was trying to wait it out but I had asked a co orker to point out if I was getting like that again and she did last week. Nothing bad just really senstive and always look sad. Even my 7 year old pointed out I looked sad. I could try and wait it out but I have been back and forth for a month so I am going to talk to the nurse and see what she thinks. I don't like feeling like I am going to cry all the time. Sometimes I wish I could just cry and then maybe I would feel better but anoher effect of the abuse is I don't cry real easily. I learned how to hide it from my ex because he admitted to saying things to get me to cry so I showed a reaction because to him that showed I cared. So even 4 years later it takes a lot to get me to cry. When I first went on the med I am on I was better about that but no I am right back to not being able to.


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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 9:21pm
Just wanted you to know I do understand...completely.
I just asked a family member who has contact with my ex-husband to please stop giving out personal info.
I don't have any contact with him or his mother and I am fine with that.
Now he has access to my email address and I am rather upset.
Unfortunately I also had access to his and other family members that I don't want/need.
She apologized but the "damage" is done...kwim?
I am so sorry you are feeling sad and I do know what you mean about them wanting a reaction and deliberately do things to make you cry.
My ex the one I was engaged to admitted to it.
He felt if I reacted I must still care...I don't.
How cruel of them but it's their true colours.
I am so happy to be out of my abusive marriage and to have "walked" away from my ex-fiancé.
Nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 9:29pm
I'm sorry to hear you are seeming to slide backwards again.
 

 

 

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