i thought i was doing good........

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Registered: 03-26-2003
i thought i was doing good........
17
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 6:24pm

I was sexualy abused by my x husband for years. He was abusive in other ways too. I had him removed from the house 4 years ago at the begining of this month when he pinned me down to the ground, was trying to rip off my clothes with the intention of forcefully raping me with our 9 year old son watching, and chocked me. There were other things that happened that night but that was how it ended. I have not lived with him since and have not talked to him in close to 2 years. We have 4 children together but he has nothing to do with them and he is currently sitting in jail in Florida for lewd conduct with a minor, my children and I live in New York.



That was the only time he tried to forcefully rape me. The other times he didn't let up with running his mouth till I gave in. He could be very cruel. Or I wouldn't want sex but knew if I said no he would start up on me so I wold have sex with him. When we were fighting I would wake up with him in me claiming he had been asleep and didn't know what he was doing at first. I wasn't allowed to sleep with clothes on. I learned to pretend to sleep though it so I didn't have to hear what a horrible person he was from him.



I made the mistake of telling him I felt like a whore because I was paid with peace and quiet. He told me he didn't want any more duty screws (he didn't say it that nicely) and I was only to have sex with him if I wanted to. That didn't last but what he started after that was to ask if I enjoyed it. If I said no he would start in on how horrible he was. If I said yes I was able to roll over and cry myself to sleep. The last 2 times we had sex it was me giving in after him running his mouth at me for days and me telling him to go ahead and rape me. He didn't ask after those times if I enjoyed it or say how horrible he was.



He would put me down all the time about sex. He would tell me that I only cared about satisfing myself. Yet he wanted sex with me at least 3 times a day but that was my fault because I never satisfied him. He would tell me that I didn't have a golden p@+o@ because he swore I tried to control him with it. He claimed he can't masterbrate and if he goes 3 days without sex he suffers from blue balls. So anytime I denied him as he saw it I was doing it to cause him pain and to get my way.



Up till yesterday I thought I was ok about all of this. I haven't really dealt with it but I have talked about it on the dv support board and I am in counseling but I don't talk about this stuff in counceling and it hasn't bothered me. But yesterday while watching someone on tv remember her characters rape I started to cry. For the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about things a lot due to this being the month things came to a head but it has been 4 years and it has never got to me like this. I was so emotionall drained yesterday and on edge. I was snapping and everyone and did not want my kids to touch me. I did not like the way I was feeling and dontunderstand why I was and was hoping someone here may or may have felt the same way. I wasn't even thinking about what happened to me while I cried or even after It. Was more of feeling overwhelming sadness and I don't cry very often but I couldn't stop myself and anytime the rest of the day I thought about what happened I wanted to cry again. I am doing better today but still feeling really down. I see my counslor wednesday but I am not sure how much experince he has with this type of thing and I don't want to wait till then to try and figure it all out. Sometimes I can figure things out by just typing it out but I am still confused on why it hit me so hard and what it was that I was feeling. I don't know if this means I am ready to deal with it now and need to or what. I see someone but it is long distance so we don't see each other often but sex has never been a problem for us. He did say something once that triggered a memory that has made me not enjoy sex with him as much as I did and I just realized that was why and can't talk to him about it because he will see it as me comparing him to my x (this isn't the first time he has done something like my x use to) and he doesn't like that.



Thank you for reading.

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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 2:53pm
~hugs~
Thanks!
Crying for me has been an outlet...
And I tried to put on the :) face but you know I decided my kids needed to know it's okay sometimes to "feel" sad or mad.
Yesterday I tried to hide from my ds my tears but he knew and said it was okay to cry...we have gone through a really rough year in terms of my health, losing my job etc.
I had an appointment yesterday and it went really well but I think the anti-climax was I broke down because I had been so full of "anxiety" and while it wasn't ALL for NOTHING I do tend lately to get myself worked up...not good.
Today I got a letter from the woman I had the appointment with and it was an absolutely awesome letter...it just meant a lot to me because sometimes when you are dealing with so much bs in your life people are not empathetic or sensitive.
I don't have a relationship with my ex-husband or my ex-mil and it's hard and sometimes you just wish you had a "normal"...(what's "NORMAL"?) relationship but we didn't and we don't and it's for the best...but a part of me mourns and the what might have been's?...kwim?
It's hard to be single parent and I think I am so glad the kids dd and ds are now old enough my ex and his mom cannot take them away, does this sound silly?
It just seemed like my whole world revolved around them because it was just them and me for a very, long time...still is actually.
Sorry this turned out so long but sometimes letting it out is cathartic...my ds was worried I might be "up-setting you" or bringing you down (he has read some of my posts) and it's then I know he is NOTHING like his dad or his dad's family that he worries about others and isn't selfish and wouldn't hurt anyone...he is not mean-spirited.
I told him it's here we can come and share and that we will be heard...
My ds said mom you never ever talked bad about our dad you let us find out for ourselves.
In the end they didn't want anything to do with him...or his mom, my ex-mil...(I was to blame for "everything")...his abuse, his affairs, etc.
I should wait for HIM...not kidding she believed I should put my life on hold until he came to his senses...lol...lmao...eventually in time he would although she wasn't sure how long it might take.
Really don't think they would contact me but then again it's the not knowing and for once I wish I would quit worrying.
Starting today...
Nightangel
Nightangel
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 1:10pm

You and your time thing have to follow me every where huh? lol. I know it takes time but I am tired of waiting and I was doing so well and then the last month I haven't been at all. I feel like I did years ago and I don't like it. I know I am better off now then I was then but I the the way I am feeling but I know tomorrow she will twek my meds and hopefully that will help. The bad dates are behind me and DS is not going to send him a letter any time soon so all will get better.


It hit me last night one things I have done that is good. My children are about to finish thier 4th school year in the same school district =). That is a huge record for them. But my oldest is finishing middle school in a couple of weeks and I am not happy at all about that.


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Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 10:44am
April, I'm gonna say it again. you ARE doing GOOD. Whether you realize it or not. Grinz. I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now, but you DO need to cut yourself some slack, a lot of slack. (Do you feel it coming???....the dreaded word? haha) Time. Just need some more. Boy do I GET that you want it to be over. That you want to be DONE dealing with the aftermath. That you dont need it, dont DESERVE it. Dont discount how far you've come. How much you HAVE healed in the past couple years. There is MORE healing to come. You'll get there. Its on its own time and schedule. Keep in mind that when

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 4:30pm

I am glad I rode there too. I use to love going for bike rides but we only have a few months here that we can do that. I was going every other day till I had my teeth out, which I think was another trigger for the depession, and haven't been able to get back into it. When my now 10 year old was about 2 I use to put my oldest on the bus and go for a bike ride with her and DS, I had a bike trailer for them. I miss those days!! Hopefully I can find time to ride more often.


I cried some last night. I am not even really sure why but I had alot of things going though my head. Normally when I cry it is sobbing or really close to it to were I can't control it but last night wasn't like that. Last night I could have stopped if I had wanted to but the kids were in bed so I let the tears flow. I am not sure if it helped or not but at least I got some of it out.


I still have oneof the first email accounts I ever had that ex mil and him have. They don't contact me but could. But with that account I pick when I check it and I don't all that often. I would be upset if they had my other one because I check it all the time and it goes to my phone and I would hate to open it to see something from them or to dread opening it becaue there may be something there from them. I hope they do nto contact you!!


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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 4:10pm
I am glad you were able to ride your bike to counselling.
Glad it went well all things considered...I went when I was pregnant with ds and it seems like ALL I did was cry...but then again I do enough of that now some days and like you try to do it in private.
I never cried in front of my ex, guess I thought you will never see me crying but in the end I blabbed like a baby and I hate it especially in front of my ex-fiancé so I don't but the alternative is I get angry...really angry to the point of just feeling so good to be out of it and not with him...yeah for me...lol...
Just dealing with him or actually not dealing has made me emotional today.
I had a phone call from him...I didn't answer begging me to call him...I didn't and was so glad he didn't show up where I went although I half expected him to be there.
He is afraid that "others" know now exactly how he has treated me and that it wasn't my fault and I had very good reasons for no contact...My aunt has apologized profusely but still now my ex and my ex-mil now have it.
Yippee!!!
I don't think they will try to contact me but you just never know they have done so in the past.
Wonderful! :)
Nightangel
Nightangel
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 2:26pm

Thank you. I have to keep reminding myself what I would tell others who are feeling like I am so that I am not to hard on myself. I feel like when I do this I am still letting him have control over me so I hate it and make it much orse then it is. I know what set off the latest round of triggers so that is a plus to helping me deal with it (my son wanted to write a letter to his father and we decieded it is best to wait on that and then there were a few anniversary dates). I feel better today and am hoping I stay this way but I have been back and forth all month so I am still going to talk to the nurse on Wednesday because it has been going on for to long and I want it to stop!!


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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 2:22pm

Yes I understand about the email address. Mark does not have my main one and hasn't since I was with him. He had gotten into one of my old accounts and ent off the wall over something stupid so I made a new one. He emailed it though iV


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Registered: 04-18-2008
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 9:29pm
I'm sorry to hear you are seeming to slide backwards again.
 

 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 9:21pm
Just wanted you to know I do understand...completely.
I just asked a family member who has contact with my ex-husband to please stop giving out personal info.
I don't have any contact with him or his mother and I am fine with that.
Now he has access to my email address and I am rather upset.
Unfortunately I also had access to his and other family members that I don't want/need.
She apologized but the "damage" is done...kwim?
I am so sorry you are feeling sad and I do know what you mean about them wanting a reaction and deliberately do things to make you cry.
My ex the one I was engaged to admitted to it.
He felt if I reacted I must still care...I don't.
How cruel of them but it's their true colours.
I am so happy to be out of my abusive marriage and to have "walked" away from my ex-fiancé.
Nightangel
Nightangel
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 8:47pm

As you can see from my response to nightangel I am no longer doing so well. I feel like I did before I went on someting to help me so I made an appointment for Wednesday to see what we should do about that. I was trying to wait it out but I had asked a co orker to point out if I was getting like that again and she did last week. Nothing bad just really senstive and always look sad. Even my 7 year old pointed out I looked sad. I could try and wait it out but I have been back and forth for a month so I am going to talk to the nurse and see what she thinks. I don't like feeling like I am going to cry all the time. Sometimes I wish I could just cry and then maybe I would feel better but anoher effect of the abuse is I don't cry real easily. I learned how to hide it from my ex because he admitted to saying things to get me to cry so I showed a reaction because to him that showed I cared. So even 4 years later it takes a lot to get me to cry. When I first went on the med I am on I was better about that but no I am right back to not being able to.


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