I hate myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
I hate myself
6
Tue, 05-26-2009 - 2:43pm

I hate my body, I have become overweight as I am taking medication for my arthritis, I hate the way I look, my tummy is so fat and I have lots of weight round my face.

I feel disgusted with myself and yet the meds I am on increase my appetite and I just can't stop eating and also I am comfort eating.

I feel trapped and frustrated like I can't control my situation, I can't exercise due to my arthritis and I feel like I just can't accept myself the way I am.

The worst part is after lots and lots of probing, it turns out that the day after I opened up to my boyf and told him how I felt he said he was worried about us moving into with each other because of my weight around the stomach and face.

I finished with him last night. We have been away this weekend and it turns out he has mild aspergers, I am feeling overwhelmed.

I have never ever felt so hurt and devastated, he has told me thousands of times how beautiful he thinks I am and loves my body but now I feel like it has confirmed all my worst fears.

He made it worse by saying that looks are not everything and he was in love with me as a person.

All the way home he was in tears trying to get me to talk to him saying how sorry he was etc etc, this morning he came over but I barely said anything to him, I feel like I have opened up to him and he has thrown it back in my face, this is not the first time he has made a 'tactless' comment.

He has written a long letter, an email and had me a huge bunch of flowers delivered to me. He said he didn't really mean what he said about the weight, he just didn't have time to think things through but he was actually concerned with my arthritis and how that would change things, would he become my carer and he wasn't sure he was ready for that.

I think he has huge commitment issues, but since I have fallen out with him he wants us to move in.

I am finding being in a relationship hard, there are so many issues between us, I am throwing tantrums a lot to get his attention and he is behaving in an unbelievable way I guess it's part of the aspergers, he hasn't diagnosed it, his parents thought he was midly autistic but it is becoming more obvious that he is 'different'

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: fluppet
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 11:11am

well, I could be wrong... but from what you posted that he wrote, it would be kind of hard to make up what he said if he DIDNT feel that.


Keep in mind to, that ALL relationships come with SOME hurt and misunderstandings.

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: fluppet
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 4:13pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: fluppet
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 3:25pm

Thanks so much for your email, it really made a lot of sense to me. When I have asked him more about the weight thing he said he doesn't realy understand why he said it as it wasn't his heart talking or what he really mean't.
I shouldn't do this but this is parts of what he said.

"You've seen the worst of me over the last few days. You're utterly hurt and devastated which you're entitled to feel. But you've said many times though how happy you are with me.
This is by no means an excuse for the way I've behaved at times and things I've said. But please consider that Asperger's Syndrome is a disability that I'm only just coming to terms with after 23 years. Please could you read this link for partners of asperger people. http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=126 . You were happy when I researched your disability and past abuse. Please could you do the same for me?

I think that I'd unconsciously been trying to sabotage the relationship all weekend with my huffs and puffs and mardy spells. I hadn't been aware of it at the time, but the change of scenery, comined with the potential change of house and job, had obviously been causing me major stress

In my heart of hearts I do not believe I meant those words that I said on the drive home. They stemmed from the fact that the intense chemistry and lust we experienced in the first couple of months seemed to have gone. This is normal to happen in relationships. I couldn't process it all properly at the time and what came out was a very unkind sentence which was not true. I've been crazy about you as a whole from the start. You have everything in your body and personality I've always wanted.

You said that you're looking for love and attention. Someone who is crazy about you. So many times I have wanted to shout our love from the rooftops. I genuinely believe that you're the most beautiful, caring, kind, loving, creative, intelligent, funny, intellectual, understanding, uninhibited, humble, imaginative, open-minded, admirable, resilient person in the world. There's no other woman with eyes as thoughtful as yours. I'm well capable of providing the love and affection you deserve. I have done loads of times and it's only been the stress recently that's got in the way."

I am just now trying to learn how to deal with it I guess but do believe this is worth saving.

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: fluppet
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 3:12pm

I know it hurt you to hear it, but it may not really have been what he meant, at all.

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: fluppet
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 11:49am

Maybe, who knows, it took me by suprise really as he has been so giving and kind to me in general, maybe he saw it as a big responsibility he wasn't sure he can live up to.

He is really wanting another chance, I have written him an email and said how I feel so will give a bit more time and see how I feel.

We do connect on mnay other levels, this may be a deal breaker, I need more time to think.

Fluppet x
Fluppet x  x
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
In reply to: fluppet
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 10:33am

Oh Jen...I was afraid of this. Sometimes when guys sound too good to be true, they are.

Whether he has Aspergers or not, he is fearful of ending up caring for you because it seems as if he wants you to care for him. It's not your weight(that's an excuse). That's a real big maturity thing with guys. We women would never walk out on a sick or injured husband....or at least most wouldn't. It's just in our nature to nurture. Not guys. They want to be looked after. I know....I'm married to one. He is a terrible caregiver but if he gets a cold....he thinks nothing of waking me up in the middle of the night and begging me to go to the 24 hour pharmacy to get him some cough medicine. Think I can get him to take me to the ER in the middle of the night because I'm covered with hives and can hardly breathe? That's just immature guys who have issues with caring and being cared for.

And YOU....you found out before you got too deeply involved. CONGRATS!!! This is not a step backwards but a step forwards. You recognized his problem as it relates to your health and you ended it. You didn't ask to have RA or end up on Humira(I swelled up with Enbrel...if Humira doesn't work try Orencia...it makes you lose weight). But knowing how he handles health problems is so important.

When my husband's brother-in-law had a stroke of his spinal cord and became paralyzed, my father-in-law insisted his daughter divorce him. He could no longer provide for her and the kids so she should just dump him. She was so angry with her father she didn't speak to him for months and wouldn't even come to family functions. But that was how he was raised...you can't provide than you are of no use to anyone. That's why he wanted my husband to divorce me and even offered to pay for it. My arthritis and abuse issues were enough for him to think I was useless too. Thank heavens he didn't live long enough to see his own wife develop dementia because I don't know what he would have done to her. So I know where my husband got his inability to be a good caregiver. Just recently my husband finally admitted he doesn't know how to be a caregiver and he'll have to be as I get worse. That's why were entering couple therapy. He knows he has to change.

Don't get down on yourself for this. It's a learning lesson and you did the right thing. It's not you...IT'S HIM! But we didn't learn these simple things as kids due to our abuse so we have to learn them as adults. You learned, you acted and now you must give yourself a pat on the back and say...next time I learn how they handle my illness before I go too far. Your RA is here to stay. Use it to gauge just how mature your next guy is.

I know you feel horrible right now but you should feel good. You found out before you ended up living with the guy or like me....married to one.

cheer up and gentle hugs............Jenny