I hate myself
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|Tue, 05-26-2009 - 2:43pm|
I hate my body, I have become overweight as I am taking medication for my arthritis, I hate the way I look, my tummy is so fat and I have lots of weight round my face.
I feel disgusted with myself and yet the meds I am on increase my appetite and I just can't stop eating and also I am comfort eating.
I feel trapped and frustrated like I can't control my situation, I can't exercise due to my arthritis and I feel like I just can't accept myself the way I am.
The worst part is after lots and lots of probing, it turns out that the day after I opened up to my boyf and told him how I felt he said he was worried about us moving into with each other because of my weight around the stomach and face.
I finished with him last night. We have been away this weekend and it turns out he has mild aspergers, I am feeling overwhelmed.
I have never ever felt so hurt and devastated, he has told me thousands of times how beautiful he thinks I am and loves my body but now I feel like it has confirmed all my worst fears.
He made it worse by saying that looks are not everything and he was in love with me as a person.
All the way home he was in tears trying to get me to talk to him saying how sorry he was etc etc, this morning he came over but I barely said anything to him, I feel like I have opened up to him and he has thrown it back in my face, this is not the first time he has made a 'tactless' comment.
He has written a long letter, an email and had me a huge bunch of flowers delivered to me. He said he didn't really mean what he said about the weight, he just didn't have time to think things through but he was actually concerned with my arthritis and how that would change things, would he become my carer and he wasn't sure he was ready for that.
I think he has huge commitment issues, but since I have fallen out with him he wants us to move in.
I am finding being in a relationship hard, there are so many issues between us, I am throwing tantrums a lot to get his attention and he is behaving in an unbelievable way I guess it's part of the aspergers, he hasn't diagnosed it, his parents thought he was midly autistic but it is becoming more obvious that he is 'different'