It's over...good news for once
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|Fri, 05-29-2009 - 7:29pm|
The trip through hell I started about 10 weeks ago has finally ended. The last flashback finally became clear on Wednesday and I put it to rest today.
I don't know how anyone else gets flashbacks or handles them but with me, they tend to come after some kind of crisis and when I have a "safe person" I can go to and trust. They first started in 1984 after a hysterectomy(age 32) and I went searching for a T that specialized in child abuse(that took almost 6 months). Then I slowly started to trust her and began to remember little bits. Then a crisis....I lost my job. Not normally traumatic for me but I was running a social program for other mentally ill adults and they closed my program to use the money to fund another program that was in debt. Within 6 days of having to close up the whole building I was in the hospital going down into a deep abyss. For 6 weeks I remembered then as quickly as it showed up, it all disappeared and I went about my regular life, sad, mourning my lost childhood, but okay.
Up until this past March I had only remembered small things, one memory at a time then "BAM"(as Emeril would say), I hurt my neck again, hubby denied me an MRI and my son went nuts on me(finally talked to me on his birthday this past Monday). It started with one flashback that threw me for a major loop and I've written about it here. Then just as I got that one processed, 3 more hit all at the same time, within minutes. I worked hard on the worst one then thought the others were insignificant. WRONG! I just got those memories back in the past 2 weeks, the last one on Wednesday. And my insurance ends on Sunday at mid-night. My T saw me Wednesday and today and I got it processed. It's been bugging me but I couldn't get a good enough look at the flashback to make sense of it until after Wednesday's session. It hit hard 2 hours later.
But it's over. And I know this period of remembering is over because I feel terribly sad. I am mourning that lost part of my childhood again. But it's such a relief to have remembered instead of having those damn flashbacks and wondering what they mean.
I'm not going to spend much time mourning and I'll do it in my own way...privately. They took too much of my life then and they aren't going to rob me of any more of my life now. I needed to remember as the memories have changed my health history and will make a difference when I have surgery(or any illness for that matter)so that was good. And I needed to put a lot of things to rest. But I feel like jumping for joy right now. Pandora's Box of memories is empty(I hope). I know there are still some dust bunnies of memories left in there but they can't hurt me, only flesh out the memories further.
I am feeling joy in my heart tonight for the first time in about 2 years. My surgery that almost killed me along with the brain damage I received started this whole process and the crises of this spring along with having a trusted T made it easy to come out.
How do I know it's over??? I'm not angry.
Love to everyone here and my prayers for you to feel that joy and lack of anger in your hearts.