Please help me understand...
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|Fri, 06-05-2009 - 4:27pm|
I feel so ashamed even posting here and I hope that this post is never found by my SO, but I have to find help somewhere. I've been with my SO for a little over three years. A couple months into our relationship, he confessed he had been SA as a child, but never went into details. I didn't know how to take it and didn't want to ask questions. A year later, he told me his story and contributed his past to his current anger and behaviors. He says he fights his demons every day and it angers him. I tried being there for him and telling him it was not his fault. The things that were done to him were not his fault and what he did to others was a result of what happened. He can't forgive himself and beats himself up every day. He self medicates (smokes and drinks) daily. The drinking isn't bad, but the smoking is horrendous.
Well, throughout the years i've really tried to understand, but I can't put myself in his shoes. I do not know what it is to be abused, but I do what i can. A couple month's ago, I found out he cheated on me. At first he tried to blame me, but now basically says that he did it because of selfishness and because all he knows about is sex. We've had some really bad months and he doesn't understand why I can't understand where he's coming from. He does take fault for the cheating, but I feel there is no excuse for it. I want to work things out, but I feel in order to do so, he needs help. If he cheated because of his past and he doesn't fix it, then I feel he will do it again. The problem is he doesn't believe in therapy. So how can this be helped? I told him I've tried to be there for him, but I can't do it anymore. I dont know how to help him and I know he needs it because I see him deteriorating every day.
Our relationship is struggling because of his past and now the cheating. I don't want to be harsh on him, but at the same time I've told him he either has to face his past head on and fight it or let it go, but it seems he wants to hold on to it as a crutch. Sometimes I get tired of hearing that he did certain things or he does certain things because of his past. It's like he uses it as an excuse so he can continue his bad behavior. I don't know what to do or how to help anymore. I honestly don't have the strength or motivation to try and help anymore, but when I think of leaving him I feel like that is what he is expecting. It would just be another failure in his life losing someone he loves. Am I wrong here? Is there help for him if he won't even consider therapy? What can I do or say? I am losing my patients and I feel his destructive behavior is taking me down with him. Please help me understand.