Please help me understand...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Please help me understand...
3
Fri, 06-05-2009 - 4:27pm

I feel so ashamed even posting here and I hope that this post is never found by my SO, but I have to find help somewhere. I've been with my SO for a little over three years. A couple months into our relationship, he confessed he had been SA as a child, but never went into details. I didn't know how to take it and didn't want to ask questions. A year later, he told me his story and contributed his past to his current anger and behaviors. He says he fights his demons every day and it angers him. I tried being there for him and telling him it was not his fault. The things that were done to him were not his fault and what he did to others was a result of what happened. He can't forgive himself and beats himself up every day. He self medicates (smokes and drinks) daily. The drinking isn't bad, but the smoking is horrendous.


Well, throughout the years i've really tried to understand, but I can't put myself in his shoes. I do not know what it is to be abused, but I do what i can. A couple month's ago, I found out he cheated on me. At first he tried to blame me, but now basically says that he did it because of selfishness and because all he knows about is sex. We've had some really bad months and he doesn't understand why I can't understand where he's coming from. He does take fault for the cheating, but I feel there is no excuse for it. I want to work things out, but I feel in order to do so, he needs help. If he cheated because of his past and he doesn't fix it, then I feel he will do it again. The problem is he doesn't believe in therapy. So how can this be helped? I told him I've tried to be there for him, but I can't do it anymore. I dont know how to help him and I know he needs it because I see him deteriorating every day.


Our relationship is struggling because of his past and now the cheating. I don't want to be harsh on him, but at the same time I've told him he either has to face his past head on and fight it or let it go, but it seems he wants to hold on to it as a crutch. Sometimes I get tired of hearing that he did certain things or he does certain things because of his past. It's like he uses it as an excuse so he can continue his bad behavior. I don't know what to do or how to help anymore. I honestly don't have the strength or motivation to try and help anymore, but when I think of leaving him I feel like that is what he is expecting. It would just be another failure in his life losing someone he loves. Am I wrong here? Is there help for him if he won't even consider therapy? What can I do or say? I am losing my patients and I feel his destructive behavior is taking me down with him. Please help me understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 5:44pm
Unfortunatly his families reaction is not uncommon.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 5:12pm

Brenda,


Thank You for your post and resources. I will look into them and see if I can get him to atleast try opening them. He is so against speaking about this to anyone. He's once told his family and they did not say much to him. They are more concerned about status and title and don't want to ruin the family name. Friday we had a huge fight and he broke down and told me more of what happened. He cried with so much anger and so much sadness it hurt me and angered me. He was a victim turned abuser as such a young age and he hates himself for it. He walks with shame and feels that everyone knows his secret and judges him. I feel he has really broken. We did have a very long talk and I told him that he needed to stop pushing me away and let me help him. He needed to share the burden with me because I am willing to do that and want to help him, but if he closes me out I can't do anything for him and I can't stay because it's taking a toll on me already.


We talked again yesterday and he said he is ready to start moving forward and not back and wants to start dealing with it. He just talked and talked about just random thoughts regarding everything he was feeling. I just listened because I didn't know what to say. I know he wants to let go, but his anger gets the best of him. All I know is I want to help him, but he needs to want to help himself also. If he can't do that and wants to keep holding on then I'm going to have to just let go. I can't stand to see him this way and I don't want him taking me down any further than he already has. Thank you though I will definately check out those books and maybe i can get some more insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Sun, 06-07-2009 - 10:06pm
Hi welcome to the board.