Was referred to this board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Was referred to this board
6
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 12:37am
My husband was molested at I think the age of 3-4, by an older neighbor kid I believe was about 7 years older.

 

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 7:07am

Hi and welcome to the board. It's hard to say how much his past experiences are influencing his current

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 8:54pm
Hi Welcome to the board.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
Sat, 07-04-2009 - 8:02am

Hi


I am new to this board. My son was abused by his older half brother when he was younger, about 4. His older bro was about 15. His bro was using him to help him mb. When his sister discovered this my dh was the one to deal with the issue, I know he spoke harsely to the 15 yr old. I tried to just put it all away. However from time to time it still pops up n runs through my head. I have prayed that my son, now just about 17 would of been able to forget this or of been to young to understand so it would be a memory past away for him. I have bp/dp myself so I have always watched my boys close for symptoms. My son has been showing some for a good yr now n is in therapy finally for that. Anyway, he left me a note last night after seeing a commercial on tv. He has for a long long time remembered what happened to him, he has told a close famil.y friend that let him know it was alright to tell me his feelings n thoughts n that I would think no less of him. She is completely correct of coarse. I feel awful that this has been bothering him n he felt he couldn't talk about it. I will reassure him today when we discuss the note. I am also going to mention this is something to mention in his next therapy appt.


I am just so pained right now, not sure what to anything really. Just looking for somebody else's input I guess.


“...there's nothing, repeat, nothing to be ashamed of when you're going through a depression. If you get help, the chances of your licking it ar

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 5:40pm

Hi and welcome to the board.

I won't answer from my perspective but from what my brothers have shared with me. Both were molested around the age of 4. And both became serial cheaters on their wives as adults. It was only after they got into therapy that they talked about the abuse and how it made them feel and made them look at why they hated women so much they used them(the molester was my mother). Your husband's mother blamed him so he may harbor a lot of resentment toward her that he is now putting on you and all women.

At the very least, the therapist NEEDS to know about this. It's like going to a doctor and not bothering to tell him/her you had a heart transplant a few years back. A very vital piece of info which if left out, can be deadly! In therapy, a vital piece of info can be the difference between recovery and divorce. So if he won't tell, you need to.

I hope you'll come and get some support for yourself here. Gets a little quiet in the summer as people go on vacation but someone is always around sooner or later.

gentle hugs...............JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 5:51pm

Hi Jennifer.......I'm so glad your son feels he can talk to you. That is SO important. Many kids won't talk about sexual stuff just because it's embarrassing. They need to get to an age where they CAN talk about it. Don't blame yourself for not having dealt with it before....he probably wasn't ready. And as I have learned, you sometimes have to re-visit the abuse over and over again at different points in your life. Should he marry someday and have a son, it will no doubt become something he'll be dealing with again as his son reaches the age when he was abused. It's the "gift" that keeps on giving.

But I have a question about his older half-brother....what was done for him? At 15, he may have been abused himself to do this to a younger sibling. Has he gotten any help? my older brothers molested me because they were also molested. We've all gotten help and I have a good relationship with both of them. They both live on the other side of the country so I rarely see them but we do talk and email.

I'm glad your son is in therapy and yes, he must tell the therapist. What he needs from you is for you to just listen and be there for him. He may be angry that you didn't help him then, or he may be looking for your approval that he is a good kid. Whatever it is, just give it to him and love him. That's what he needs the most. Your unconditional love.

Abuse kills trust. Your unconditional love can be a great healing force. And we are here to support you in helping him.

gentle hugs...............JennyB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 4:02pm

Hi and welcome to the board.


I agree with Jenny that it is wonderful that your DS feels like he can talk to you about sex and the abuse.