Very difficult times

Avatar for nmillerhhi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Very difficult times
3
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 1:26am

I just found out that my DH of 8 years sexually abused 3 of his DDs 25-30 years ago. This was so out of character for my gentle, wonderful DH that I'm having trouble processing it.

He is in the process of making amends to them. He has contacted their mother to apologize. We went to visit one of the dd's recently so that he could make amends in person. When she found out I didn't know, she stood beside him, hand in hand, while he told me and asked my forgiveness.

I told him that it wasn't me that needed to forgive him. His forgiveness would come from them, from himself and from his God.

I'm having a tough time, tougher than I expected. I have no one I can talk to because this is such a private matter between him and his daughters.

I did ask him, once we were home, how extensive the abuse was and who turned him in. There was inappropriate touching with two of them and intercourse with the third. It happened once per child and he took the children to the police where he and the children talked to a detective together. There was an extensive investigation but no charges were filed.

He is terrified that I am going to leave him. His daughter asked me not to leave him over it.

I'm proud of him for desiring, on his own, to apologize to his children and make amends to them. He understands that some of them may not ever forgive him but he intends to apologize anyway.

I was sexually abused but my abuser died when I was 5 years old.

I need advice on how to handle this. My marriage is strong. We are both 60 years old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 3:44pm

Welcome nmillerhhi.

 

 

 

Avatar for nmillerhhi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 4:53pm

Hi,
It was my grandfather who abused me. He died when I was 5. I worked hard with a therapist when I was in my 30's to deal with it. The only problem I've had with it this week has been some nightmares the first couple of days. I had another one today. They are getting less and less, probably because I dealt with the issues so many years ago.

I'm here for my DH. He keeps asking if I still love him and if I'm going to leave him. I reassure him that it's him that has to forgive himself. He is not the same man he must have been back then. But then, he proved a lot when he immediately took the children down and reported himself to the police. Clearly he was remorseful even then.

He did try to communicate about it to his 2nd wife and a girlfriend he had just before me. They were the wrong people to communicate with. They used the incident against to beat him down, which made him afraid to tell me.

I have questions, but in looking at them, I realized they were more curiosity than anything so I've avoided asking. I don't need to know the grim details. Therefore, I've been cautious about what I ask. I just make myself available to talk to when he wants to talk and about what he wants to say.

I've worked in mental health and substance abuse for many years. I've talked to abusers but have never seen one so remorseful. It does make me proud of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 11:39am

I did not mean to imply you were here for you, I know you are here for your DH, I was just wondering how it was affecting you, if at all.