Olive Branch Rejected :(
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|Tue, 07-21-2009 - 10:54am|
I haven't posted on here for a while, but I have something on my mind.
It would appear that since I disclosed the abuse, that I have been disowned, whenever I did go back to the family home, it was very strained and I was being reabused.
For some stupid reason, I emailed my brother who lives in New York. It was against my better judgement but a couple of people had encouraged me to (but I am not blaming them).
The family have never got on really and now my abuser has died but you wouldn't believe how they have behaved, they have literally outcasted me and all got closer. I was refused to go to Christmas dinner and when I spoke up about it, was just verbally knocked down by my mother who said if I was on my own for Christmas it was my own fault.
I can't believe how cruel and selfish they are.
I haven't heard from my brother and the way he treated me when I disclosed 18 months ago, I vowed to myself I would never speak to him again.
I know he has been on the net but he hasn't replied to me.
Also despite trying to patch things up I bumped into my other brother the other day at the park with my new boyfriend, my brother was so rude to us both it was embarrassing.
So I now have a lovely partner and have met his family who seem to really like me.
I want to move away from this area I live as too many reminders and too close to family, me and boyfriend are going to move near his family, they are very nice, loyal kind people from what I have seen.
So the thing that really gets me is that half of me is so utterly angry and sad and hurt by being completely ignored by family and even 'turned on' when I need help and support (believe me I didn't think things could get any worse before I disclosed abuse, but they have sunk to new depths) and the other half is thinking it must be my fault there must be something wrong with me if all these people are against me and not in contact, I must be really bad.
It's a horrible place to be, I am trying to grieve these losses but I am so upset and hurt and yet blaming myself, I should be glad they don't want to know me as they treat me so bad anyway but I wonder if I will ever ever recover from the betrayal and rejection, is it normal to think 'is it my fault' and do you ever get passed that feeling.
I am now angry with myself for contacting my brother, I feel humiliated and rejected all over again.
My boyfriend tells me what a beautiful amazing person I am but with the family history I have and the string of failed relationships, my self esteem and confidence is pretty low, thanks for reading.