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|Mon, 08-03-2009 - 9:53am|
Now the dust has settled, it's been 2 years since I disclosed, the family have never been the same me and I made the decision to walk away for my own sanity, I did try to contact my brother recently but it was rejected. I have been disowned.
I am living in my own house and unable to work at the moment due to ill health.
My boyfriend has gone back to his parents to sort himself out as he quit his job and has some problems going on, therefore he is an hour away and I am seeing him at weekends.
I am 30 years old, have no kids, now no family and a few friends/acquaintances that live far away.
I am so very alone, lost afraid and bored.
I have done tonnes of healing work and therapy but ultimately I feel very lost and alone.
I spend a lot of my time going over and over the past in my head and never feel any better about things.
My abuser (father) died in January and I had not spoken to him for 6 years. The rest of my family have treated me in a disgusting, inhumane way which I can't come to terms with.
I want to move on with my life but my boyfriend has commitment issues which he is trying to work on but there is a lot of stress between us, it doesn't help me feel safe and secure with a partner who everytime we get close he backs off and gets afraid. We are however very in love with each other.
I do have a degree and have done various courses and hobbies over the years and am starting a course in September but nothing takes away from the human loss.
My friendship record is pretty bad too, maybe I have commitment issues too, I get very close very quickly with people then it cools off or problems start. I have lost so many friendships and I feel very upset at those I do have as I feel they have not been there for me or are critical or abusive.
I feel this dreadful loss sadness and depression and can't see any way out of it, I manage to do day to day things but have become housebound and isolated. I also feel very bitter and resentful that so called friends and my family haven't given the support I have needed during ill health and s abuse.
So all in all, I don’t want to go out and make friends again because of the negative pattern that follows (I get very paranoid and distressed if I 'feel' I am being abandoned or rejected)
No-one in my family has loved me enough to stand by and support me and this makes me feel very sad and confused.
I was seeing a therapist for 18 months but felt very stuck and it was concerning me some of things she was saying, I felt they were very inappropriate and instead of being supportive I felt she was being more critical.
Also when I spoke to my mom a year ago and asked why she never contacts me, she said she is very busy with her life and it wasn't meant to be malicious, but it doesn't sit right with me. Nobody contacts me really apart from one or two people and my boyfriend, that really hurts, maybe I have pushed people away who knows, how can you know if you are responsible which I guess is where a therapist comes in.
In an ideal world I would move away from this area where my family are and move in with boyfriend and close to his family who are really nice but even then I may still be miserable, who knows and he is freaking out about getting a place together.
So another boring lonely week ahead with a few activities in-between then boring house stuff and bills to pay.
Is life really this mundane, I feel I don’t have the energy or motivation for much, I have been doing some volunteer work but as I said the problem is the sadness and loneliness of not having close bonds and a circle of people to love a trust.
Maybe it’s true what I have read somewhere that deep down I don’t feel I deserve any happiness and so I won’t let it in.
I know I spend most of my time self pitying in my head, I know I have probably made myself a victim in life over and over again, I feel very exhausted and lacking in confidence right now.
I feel totally stuck as I realise you can’t go through life alone but I feel so betrayed and hurt by people and very reluctant to trust again, my judgment in the past has not been good, I have been attracted to very dysfunctional people.
Thanks for reading.