New here could use some input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2009
New here could use some input.
3
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 8:05pm

Hi. First I want to thank anyone who takes the time to read and respond. I'm 40 years old have one child and have been separated from my husband for over a year. Basically my life as far as relationships goes is in turmoil.

My marriage broke up after I became involved in an emotional affair with my HS sweetheart (who is also married) if I get into all the details of this the post would go on forever!! Basically he was my first sexual partner and we had sex for 3.5 years during HS. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. I had very low self esteem and still do. But I believed and still do that he is the love of my life.

Now that my husband and I split up, (and the affair ended) I decided to start dating. Why? Because I hate being alone! Why? Because I hate myself. Why? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Since I've started dating I have been sexually involved with 4 men in one year and only one of them truly had feelings for me he was very good to me and loved me but I didn't feel the same about him, but the sex was incredible! I just couldn't continue to see him because I knew I didn't feel the same.

The others all said they cared about me and weren't looking for a casual relationship and I went along with physical involvement very quickly and after the sex they stopped calling so much and being nice. And the most recent one was very manipulating and emotionally abusive. I tried to be VERY guarded with him and he broke me down. He pursued me with a vengeance and I fell for it. We met online talked every night on the phone for 2 months and he drove 5 hours to meet me in person. When we got here we had sex... and he talked me into unprotected sex and anal sex. It hurt like hell and he stopped and then the next day he barely spoke to me. Later that night he started being nice to me and I caught on that he wanted to try having sex again. I refused. He yelled at me and told me I was crazy. The next day I told him to leave. I haven't heard from him since.

My self esteem is shot, I can't understand why I'm doing this to myself. I had a husband that was wonderful to me and faithful and I betrayed him. He has been very supportive of me and I have told him EVERYTHING that has happened. He loves me and I can't feel any love for him in a romantic sense.

I realize how self destructive I've been and I know I can't date anyone right now. I've been in therapy, and when I was my therapist asked me if I had been sexually abused. I have no recollection of being abused, but I did grow up with a father that was very disrespectful of woman, found a lot porn in the house at a young age... and this included child porn. I believe this could be just as damaging.

I always "felt" like something happened but can't remember anything specific. It's driving me crazy. And I seem to equate being abused emotionally with "love" and when a man really does care for me it turns me off.

Any input is greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Sat, 10-03-2009 - 12:30am

I read your post but I"m not sure I have that much to offer other than reflect back on what you wrote.


My marriage broke up after I became involved in an emotional affair with my HS sweetheart (who is also married) if I get into all the details of this the post would go on forever!! Basically he was my first sexual partner and we had sex for 3.5 years during HS. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. I had very low self esteem and still do. But I believed and still do that he is the love of my life.


The questions I pose don't have to be responded to on the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 6:43pm
Photobucket

Hi Lilly, welcome to our board, I'm glad you found us.

My name is Brenda and I am the cl here.

I sincerely apologize for not getting back to you sooner.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2009
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 8:58pm
Hi, Lilly! I read your memo. Wow sounds like there is a lot going on. There is no doubt in my mind that you have suffered some form of abuse. It doesn't mean that the abuse was sexual but it could have been. I am an abuse survivor and I have been through every kind of abuse under the sun. But I am just going to touch on a few things that you mentioned in your memo because I'm kinda pressed for time. So I want to cut the chase and