abuser's parole hearing..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
abuser's parole hearing..
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 11:18am

My daughter was sexually assaulted by a family member right before her sixth birthday. He was an eighteen year old family member of my husband's. My daughter is nine years old now.

The abuser (I have a few better words I like to call him) was convicted about a year after it happened and has been in jail for about two and 1/2 years. I just got a letter from the parole board saying that he is in review status. That letter jolted me. It made me sick to my stomach. First of all, I had already felt he got off easy with a 5-10 years. Now I am getting word that he may be out in 4-6 months. I am disgusted.

I was told that I could send in a statement to help the parole board make a decision and I have asked her professional counselor, her school couselor, her teachers, and a few others to send in statements of how this has impacted her life.

I haven't sent anything myself because I am so fixated on writing the right thing. I don't want him to be released. I am afraid he will assault another child. I am afraid next time he won't let the chlld live. I wish he would dissappear off the face of the earth.

I know none of those things will happen, but I am just sooo full of emotions and I haven't told my daugther. If i feel this way I cannot fathom how she will feel. she is just beginning to improve her behavior at school. She is getting the best grades ever. The frequency of her "sad days" has decreased. She is doing great and I do not want to spoil that for her.

I love her sooo much and I hate that she had to go through such a horrible, horrible experience that she cannot forget. She still tells me that she feels like it was her fault. The couselors and I have explained to her over and over how it wasn't her fault, but she still feels guilty. That breaks my heart. She was just a five year old baby.

I don't know if anyone else has had to send in letters to a parole board, but I just wanted to share. I will have to send something in and not worry about whether I said everything or if I left something out.

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 10-02-2009 - 10:38pm
Oh (((Violet))), I can't begin to imagine the range of emotions you must be feeling. I really
**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Sat, 10-03-2009 - 12:56am

If there was a victim advocate

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Sun, 10-04-2009 - 5:14pm

I did talk to the victim's advocacy and they told me that I should write about how this abuse has impacted my daughter and our family. They also said that just sharing the "human element" of how I feel will be helpful.

I have some ideas about what to write. My problem is making myself to write something and then sending it. I think that before I send anything off to the parole board I will make appointment with the counselor for myself and then for both my daughter and I. Then I should probably make one for my dh, my dd, and myself so that we can talk about how we will feel about him being released from jail.

The point is I want to put alot of thought and emotion into what I send the parole board, because I do NOT want that freak out of jail.

I haven't told my daughter that he may be coming out of jail. I think it is best to tell her if they decide to let him out. She is doing so well in school. In fact, she is doing better than she has in a long time.

I do not want to confuse her or take her out of her state of mind.

Thank you for your advice, everyone. I appreciate everyone's input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 1:04am

(((((Violet)))))) It is hard to imagine what you're going through right now. I know my abusers were never brought to justice and it saddens me. It's terrible that the one who abused your daughter might get out so soon. :(

I was raped at the age your daughter was when she was abused. 5 is so little...but there is guilt that somehow we kids are the ones who cause it. I look at little girls now...and see how small and defenseless they are (like my nieces who are 1& 2 respectively) and have been coming to the realization that there is no way kids of those ages could possibly be responsible.

I hope that he does not get out.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 5:58pm
Violet, this is



Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Fri, 10-09-2009 - 9:30pm
It's great that you and others are reinforcing that it wasn't her fault...but it wasn't yours either...
Just send this in to them...if you want copy and paste it leaving out anything here that you don't want included like your personal information.
You told us how you feel from your heart...I think it would help them decide to take into consideration your sincere concerns about him being paroled early if at all.
It's hard being a mom whose child has been sexually abused...maybe you could find some support for yourself.
I went to a support group for moms who had been sexually abused and who also had a child who had been...it was very helpful for me.
My heart goes out to you and your daughter...my daughter is older now and doing wonderfully well and we are very close.
Whatever you write will be fine, and it can make a difference.
I am glad you and your daughter have such wonderful supportive people in your livess.
It can make all the difference.