Let me clarify my statement........

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Let me clarify my statement........
11
Sun, 11-15-2009 - 7:36pm

to Healingjourney about wishing that rape and being shot were the same thing. Some of you have totally disagreed but I was looking at it from a prosecutorial point of view...not the victims.

When someone is shot, the perpetrator is charged with either attempted murder(if the person doesn't die) or assault with a deadly weapon. Rape SHOULD be the same. Rape has consequences for the victim that can led to their death due to PTSD or depression or even a fatal STD so ANY rape should be considered the same as being shot in that the potential for life threatening consequences is there. But it is not. The true charge is and should be...rape with a potentially deadly emotional weapon. At least rapists who pass along HIV are now being prosecuted for attempted murder and murder if the person succumbs to AIDS..

If more people saw rape as a potentially fatal assault, they might stop the back room snickering that hinders finding the perp and the community silence that often follows a rape....."what did she do to ask for it" syndrome. No one asks if someone asks to be shot. Cops don't wonder what the woman did to entice the "shooter" but they do for "the rapist".

In a perfect world, the world I want to see, rape and sex assault crimes of children would be prosecuted more vigorously than any others as the perpetrators are known to be people who usually don't stop. Stop them and throw away the key. Murderers often get off with little time served and sex crimes are even worse and then we wonder why they are repeated. Because we don't take them seriously. It takes a child's murder to finally stop certain child molesters. How many murders could have been stopped if we re-wrote the criminal codes to reflect the emotional toll it takes on the victim and take the appropriate action in the beginning instead at the end. It's not all about killing a person. Some crimes may not kill that moment, but the emotional effect may be just as bad or may result in the eventual death of the victim but it is never prosecuted.

I'm not saying that rape is not as bad as being shot...I'm saying it is worse.

And I'm also saying the survivors should be just as celebrated as those who are nearly killed. If not more.

gentle hugs..........Jenny

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Sun, 11-15-2009 - 8:09pm

I had not intended my discussion to create such a debate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 10:31am

Don't worry about it Healingjourney. I'm used to controversy. I'm probably the only one here who has gone on national TV and talked about sexual abuse. I was, from what I've been told, the first one to talk about mother's who molest. Opened things up for a lot of guys who were molested by their mothers and afraid to speak up. Don't know what it did for women who were similarly molested.

So I'm not one to hold back when I see injustice or fear. I speak out despite what others think. If I don't, who will? Stigma only disappears when the secrecy disappears.

Lots of people here do not like me as I am outspoken but I do it so their daughters and granddaughters might some day live in a world where rape and sexual abuse is turned in immediately and the perpetrators caught and put away, and none of us feels like they need to hide what happened to them and we are celebrated as heroes.

When I hear someone say they'd rather their daughters were shot rather than raped, I shudder as to what is happening to our society. You can successfully recover from rape...you might die from being shot. Is it that bad now that we'd rather risk death than rape? We need to let folks know that these crimes are not fatal unless swept under the carpet and not confronted and dealt with. And our society needs to take it as seriously as attempted murder.

Sex crimes are horrible but we the victims must come forward and talk about it and how we have recovered(or not recovered). We have to stop the secrecy. No one else will do it for us. This stigma must end.

Sorry if I ruffled feathers but sometimes the feathers NEED to be ruffled. I spoke out and took tremendous hits for it...lost my job among other things....but I did it for all of us. And I even get put down by other survivors for having done so. But I won't stop. Sex crimes needs to be destigmatized just like AIDS was. And it takes those who are brave(or stupid) enough to speak out and do something rather than just suffer in silence.

Just my opinion. Sorry I made more out of your post that you wanted me too.

gentle hugs..............Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 8:35pm

If you're referring to me when you say that other survivors "put you down' then I'm completely offended. I respectfully disagreed with you Jenny. I'm not sure why you claim to be so disliked on this board. We're all here trying to heal and trying to support each other. In doing that, however, sometimes we have different opinions on subjects.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 9:04pm

No Allie, I'm not talking about you at all. I'm referring to another board and site altogether.

I don't mind if you disagree with me. Perhaps my feelings are because I am at a different place and time than you are and you might change your mind with enough time. Remember, I've been at this for 42 years. But you might not...who knows.

But this not the board I am referring to. Sorry you felt that way but if I had a beef with you, I'd say so. And I did say so in referring to being shot over being abused. I think society owes us a huge debt because it seems that the stigma over abuse has gotten worse in the last 20 years and no one should feel that way. I feel sorry for anyone who does feel that way. That is what society has done to us.....made us feel so powerless that we'd rather be shot than raped. It has to change.

So no, I'm sorry but I am talking about another site and board...more than 1 actually. I guess my outspokenness is not too appreciated but someone has to do it. Otherwise, how will all this change?

gentle hugs..............Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 11:00pm

And perhaps over time you will change your mind.


Hugs and best wishes,


allie

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 6:39am

"I think society owes us a huge debt because it seems that the stigma over abuse has gotten worse in the last 20 years and no one should feel that way. I feel sorry for anyone who does feel that way. That is what society has done to us.....made us feel so powerless that we'd rather be shot than raped. It has to change."


I heard someone once say, "We don't see things as they are. Rather, we see things as we are."

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 8:36am

Allie,


Thanks for understanding my statement about choosing a shooting over a rape for my daughters if I had to.

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 8:48am

Jenny,


Like you, I was simply stating

LUCKY

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 11:58am

(((((Lucky))))) No need to thank me, but you're welcome. I understand exactly what you're saying. It isn't the stigma of abuse or rape, it's more of the emotional trauma that goes on for a lifetime. That's what hurts more than a shot.


Take care of yourself.


Allie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2000
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 12:12pm

Lucky, I did not take your comment as an attack against me or what I feel. In fact, I feel very sorry for you that you feel that badly. You must be in horrible pain.

But what society puts on us needs to change. It's hard enough for us to deal with it without fighting against the societal stigmas as well. If society at large took care of it's sexual abuse crime victims, and we were all wrapped in a nice protective blanket of caring when we were hurt, wouldn't it make it so much better than having to creep around, not telling folks and hoping it will all go away? Stigma hurts.

All I'm doing is trying to change that one piece if I can. I can't stop the rapists and molesters....but maybe I can have an effect on the stigma...maybe.

And it's the pain folks like you feel that drives me to do it. I can feel it and it horrifies me that you are left in this much pain. It's not right.

gentle hugs..........Jenny

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