triggers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
triggers.
6
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 11:57pm

I doubt anyone will remember me, my name is Sue, I use to sign on as moejaymom... been off the boards for over a year. My abuser was my oldest brother... I was abused from about 5 years old until I moved out of my family home at 17... got pregnant because of him, had an abortion at 13 and was still forced to stay in that home. I'm back here because I am falling apart... yes it's Christmas and we all find that very difficult, but I am Si'ing again after over a year as well... I am in a dreadful self loathing and angry phase and I am deeply disappointed in myself. I have to admit that when I come back to these boards I usually read everyone else's posts first and reply to them.. I didn't even do THAT. I am totally disgusted with myself... it's all unraveling and I feel so disgusting. I turned 42 years old a week ago and I am still HERE in this horrible place where I some days I think I'm a pretty neat person who has many "friends", is well liked and appreciated in my work community and life in general... but I totally LOATHE myself! I can't stand to look at myself in a mirror or acknowledge my OWN sense of presence in this life I live. My home is disgusting and dirty and I keep saying to myself that today is the day that I'm going to clean up my home, make it all better, I can't begin to tell you the mess I am in emotionally and physically and yet I never let anyone in my world know. I Manage a business and do it very well no matter how bad it gets.... I am just .. ugh... I am so gross!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
In reply to: graciehope2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 3:03am
hi Sue
i think u may be being a bit hard on yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
In reply to: graciehope2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 9:06pm

Hi Shannon, I was in therapy... not any longer, and am not on meds... thank you for taking the time to read and respond

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
In reply to: graciehope2009
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 7:39pm

hi hun,

therapy is always an option again maybe? we can only work on this horrible trauma when we are really ready. you may just need time. it has taken me a long time to get to where i am in therapy the last couple months. but i am there. and tho you are hurting, this may not still be the time for you.
and meds... well again you may not need any. a lot of drs are so quick to push the meds. i am on so many myself. some for the rest of my life,,, others i hope to get of when i can get thru some of this trauma.
i hope i have made sense and not said the wrong thing.
plz keep coming and "talking" to us here... when you are ready.

gentle hugs...

Shan

~~Shannon
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to: graciehope2009
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 1:11am

~hugs~
Just wanted to reach out and say I am so sorry that this ever happened to you.
Please don't be so hard on yourself.
This was not your fault.
You are worth so much more than the self-loathing Sue.
Just take it one day at a time.
Start with small steps.
You are not ALONE.
Sometimes we feel paralysed like we cannot do something or we give up on ourselves.
Depression can make you feel this way.
I am so glad you came here.
Others here really do understand.
My heart goes out to you...

Nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: graciehope2009
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 3:25pm
Sue, I
 

 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to: graciehope2009
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 5:50am

~hugs~
What an absolutely awesome post!
I know I have worn a Mask...
Determined no one would see me "Cryin'"...kwim?

Nightangel
Nightangel