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|Mon, 12-14-2009 - 11:57pm|
I doubt anyone will remember me, my name is Sue, I use to sign on as moejaymom... been off the boards for over a year. My abuser was my oldest brother... I was abused from about 5 years old until I moved out of my family home at 17... got pregnant because of him, had an abortion at 13 and was still forced to stay in that home. I'm back here because I am falling apart... yes it's Christmas and we all find that very difficult, but I am Si'ing again after over a year as well... I am in a dreadful self loathing and angry phase and I am deeply disappointed in myself. I have to admit that when I come back to these boards I usually read everyone else's posts first and reply to them.. I didn't even do THAT. I am totally disgusted with myself... it's all unraveling and I feel so disgusting. I turned 42 years old a week ago and I am still HERE in this horrible place where I some days I think I'm a pretty neat person who has many "friends", is well liked and appreciated in my work community and life in general... but I totally LOATHE myself! I can't stand to look at myself in a mirror or acknowledge my OWN sense of presence in this life I live. My home is disgusting and dirty and I keep saying to myself that today is the day that I'm going to clean up my home, make it all better, I can't begin to tell you the mess I am in emotionally and physically and yet I never let anyone in my world know. I Manage a business and do it very well no matter how bad it gets.... I am just .. ugh... I am so gross!