Validation still needed
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|Tue, 01-26-2010 - 10:28pm|
I've grown up thinking that the abuse that happened to me was childhood experimenting, innocent, and even that it was my fault. I was around 8 and the boy was around 16. It's jsut been in the past few years that I have been slapped with the truth of his responsibility and of the blurry memories of it happening more than once. This boy, all grown up now and still in my life, denied that it was him at first, then later told me it was him but that "it had surprised him that I had started it." Finally, years later, when I told him that I remembered more and that it was completely his fault, he said he was sorry and that he was old enough to know better. He also said he couldn't remember any more.
I've felt the shame of this my whole life and even though I've tried to lay it at his feet, and in my head I know the truth now, I still wrestle with self doubt, minimizing, and denying my deserving to be angry about this. I was thinking about the one clear memory I have... and I saw that he was rubbing my back while I was touching him. He was rubbing my back! What does this say to you? Does it say he was shocked that I would do something like that TO him??
It saddens me that I still am looking for family and/or friends to hear my story and get angry or shocked so that I can feel a moment of validation. That I still need others to tell me he was wrong and I was innocent. I want to be able to validate myself, stand up for myself if needed, and erase the shame and doubt.
Any advice or just warm encouragement?