Validation still needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2010
Validation still needed
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 10:28pm

I've grown up thinking that the abuse that happened to me was childhood experimenting, innocent, and even that it was my fault. I was around 8 and the boy was around 16. It's jsut been in the past few years that I have been slapped with the truth of his responsibility and of the blurry memories of it happening more than once. This boy, all grown up now and still in my life, denied that it was him at first, then later told me it was him but that "it had surprised him that I had started it." Finally, years later, when I told him that I remembered more and that it was completely his fault, he said he was sorry and that he was old enough to know better. He also said he couldn't remember any more.

I've felt the shame of this my whole life and even though I've tried to lay it at his feet, and in my head I know the truth now, I still wrestle with self doubt, minimizing, and denying my deserving to be angry about this. I was thinking about the one clear memory I have... and I saw that he was rubbing my back while I was touching him. He was rubbing my back! What does this say to you? Does it say he was shocked that I would do something like that TO him??

It saddens me that I still am looking for family and/or friends to hear my story and get angry or shocked so that I can feel a moment of validation. That I still need others to tell me he was wrong and I was innocent. I want to be able to validate myself, stand up for myself if needed, and erase the shame and doubt.

Any advice or just warm encouragement?

thank you


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 2:54pm


On some level I can relate by my

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 1:38am

Hi and welcome to the board I'm glad you found us.
My name is Brenda and I am the cl here.

You have come to the right place for validation. Every one here has been affected by SA. Our stories are different but we all understand the way no one else can what the others are going through.

NONE of it was your fault. Do not ever blame your self for what happened. He has already admitted that he knew it was wrong and should not have done it. The fact is though that he did and you have to pay the price every day of your life. He can say he is sorry and go on with his life with out it really having any kind of affect on him but maybe remorse. You on the other hand have scars, in most cases they can't be seen (some of our members have visible scars) but they are there non the less.

Have you ever been to therapy? Have you told family or friends? Have you been told it was nothing, or you must have made it up, or you asked for it? No one asks to be SA, no one should ever have to feel that pain. People don't realize that they are causing us more pain by not believing, by putting it off to child hood exploration, etc.

My number one advice is that if you have not seen a therapist that you try to find one who specializes in SA. Even if you can't find one that does I feel like you need to talk about this and get that validation that you have been looking for all your life.
P.S. Sorry about the text I don't have a text editor right now.
Sig for other boards



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 8:04am

(((((rocklinmagic))))) It was not your fault. I'm sorry this happened to you. I am angry with your abuser, as I am with all abusers for taking advantage of innocent children. I believe you and I believe you did nothing wrong. You were only a small child. It's not your fault.

I've remembered being SA for almost 20 years and, while my head knows it wasn't my fault, the little girl part of me and my feelings still need to be told by others that it wasn't my fault. I have to really try to separate out the two:my feelings vs my thoughts. My feelings are so often wrong and I'm working in therapy to learn to let my thinking brain win out over the feelings that too often make no sense. I don't know if that helps you; it's simply one of the things I'm working on.

I hope it helps for you to know that everyone here on this board believes it wasn't your fault.

Take care of yourself.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2010
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 10:19pm

Thank you for your kind responses and encouragements. Sorry I was so slow to responding.

It does help a lot to hear others say it wasn't my fault and I so appreciate you all taking the time to write. I have seen a T and his help was what allowed me to finally see the A for what it really was. My family doesn't know though. Mainly, I'm afraid of their minimizing it or being hurt by the lack of protection they provided. They so trusted this young man. I lost my dad to cancer a little over a year ago. Sometimes I really wish I would've shared this with him. He would've been loving. I know that. I just didn't want to hurt him. I wish he was here now to stand up for my brokenness.

I do have inner scars that I deal with, but luckily with T and with God, I am slowly becoming stronger and able to stand up for myself. I've worked hard to get to a place where I believe I'm important enough, good enough, worth enough to not allow others to hurt me. I'm still working on becoming completely independent.(Wish I could get a divorce and be free to thrive) But I'm trying to be patient with myself and take care of my kids first.

Anyway, this board is a huge encouragement and safe place for many and I thank those who took the time to read my post and respond. Thank you for being here for all of us with these SA scars.