Still angry and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2010
Still angry and confused
2
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 8:05pm
When I was 11, I was sexually assaulted by a 13 year old boy who I now know was being abused at home. Other schoolchildren found out (it happened in school) and didn´t understand that it had been against my will. The boy was excluded but I was badly bullied after that, by girls, and a lot of the boys in my school paid me a lot of attention. When I was 13 I started having sex with one of them, I was not attracted to him, I just wanted to put the memories of when I was 11 to sleep, and in a way, I wanted to reclaim control of my own body, if that makes sense.
Anyway it backfired because the bullying got a lot worse after my 3 month "fling" with him ended, I was really desperate at this time, considering self harm. I had a perfectly fine home life but although my family knew about the original incident, they didn´t know about the bullying or me sleeping with the other boy. Around that time, my granddad died. Just a couple of days later, one of the most popular and best-looking boys in school phoned me and asked me to meet him in the local woods. I don´t know why I did, I was just in a really "bad place" and honestly wasn´t sure what I was doing, I kind of hoped maybe if I became his girlfriend then the bullying would stop. But when I got there, he was with the boy who had assaulted me when I was 11. They made me sit on a bench and they both kept touching me. I really panicked and I tried to tell them that I wanted to leave, but they wouldn´t let me. I don´t have clear memories of what happened, but I remember the boy who´d assaulted me before lifted up my skirt and rubbed his naked parts against my naked parts. I don´t think he penetrated me, or if he did, it was only gently and he didn´t do it for long. Afterwards I ran away out of the woods. I never told anyone and the main thing that´s stuck with me all these years is that I don´t even know if this qualifies as rape. I feel like I´ve never been able to get closure because I can´t even put a name to what happened.
Is that rape? I see that boy (now a man) around sometimes, he´s a member of a prominent and violent gang. I suspect he´s raped other girls/women. It´s too late for me to ever report him now, I just hope that one of his other victims does so that he will eventually be put in prison for ruining my teenage years completely.
Daisypath Anniversary tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 12:51am

Chanchita,


I'm very sorry to hear what happened to you. No one should have to go through that. ((hugs))) It is definately a sexual assault whether he penetrated you or not. Have you thought about counseling? Many of those here have found that to be helpful. Always know that we're here for you, come post away about anything that's bugging you. I'm sure Melissa and some others will be around to give you some advice as well.


Alisa


Alisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Sat, 03-13-2010 - 12:35am
Photobucket

Hi chanchita, welcome to the board, I'm glad you found us.

My name is Brenda and I am the cl here.