new here....really need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
new here....really need advice
10
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 1:18pm
Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here and I just wanted some advice. I'm 25 and I was molested by my father when I was 14-18 years old and my senior year of high school I was almost raped by my first boyfriend. For along time I've tried to put the memories in the back of my mind and kinda pretend like it never happened but lately I feel as a result of that my life has been spinning out of control. I drink alcohol constantly because that's the only method I know to help me when the memories come back or when I have a dream about having sex with my father. All my relationships suffer because im drunk all the time, I'm having sex with my boyfriends because I feel like that's going to make them love me for more but they just end up disappearing on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to end everything because I hate having these feelings. I wish I could forget everything that's happened to me and just be happy. I don't have anyone to talk to because I have no friends and if I mention anything to my boyfriends or I should say ex-boyfriends, they think im making it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 2:02pm

Hi Daydreamer2010,


Therapy can work wonders when life feels like it is spinning out of control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 2:23pm
Thanks for replying. No I'm not working right now unfortunately but I'm not sure if I'm ready to try therapy yet. I just can't sit and talk about it with anyone unless I'm drunk out of my mind. When I was working I had a number for a hotline that deals with these types of problems but everytime I would call and hear someones voice, I would hang up. The only things I've been able to do is write about it but I never reply back. I'm really trying to change that because I see the really great advice that everyone gives on these boards and I want to get to a point where I can live with this problem and not rush to the bottle or think of suicide every time the memories pop up in my head.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Sat, 03-13-2010 - 12:13am
Photobucket

Hi Daydreamer, welcome to the board, we are glad you found us.

My name is Brenda and I am the cl here.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2010
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 10:22pm
I am truly sorry that you are going thru this. I went thru the same with my father . I drank way to much in my twenties and had sex with guys for the same reasons you say you do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2008
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 10:13pm

I am 66 yrs old and still dealing with flashbacks and post traumatic stress, as well as being in therapy and on meds. It all helps me. I started my search for a therapist when I was 20. That one used a kitchen timer on her desk to clang when the session was over. It was very distracting to say the least. The second therapist was going through a divorce and her mother preferred her son-in-law to her. The third therapist was a wonderful woman with a heavy German accent which made it so difficult to understand her. The fourth and final therapist was a young man my age (by now 29). I knew I was crazy or rather thought I was and was lucky enough to be assigned to him. Despite all my willingness to work with him, I could not talk for the first four months. I'd walk in the office and then seize up. He said he didn't throw me out because he could tell I was in an enormous war with myself. Finally, one day he turned his back towards me, and the rage that poured out of my began my very very long journey in talking to him and trusting him. I wasn't crazy although I had major problems like multiple personality disorder, etc. I didn't remember anything about my childhood until I was about 35 and was seeing him four days a week. One day I opened my mouth and out poured all the anguish and terror I felt as my father sexually abused me from age 3 to 12. He was an alcoholic. It took me years to work it out because he was also the better parent as my mother was so emotionally secluded. I confronted him when I was 54 and screamed at him for almost an hour before I sat down shaking like a leaf. It was right before they were to leave for the south for winter. He asked if he raped me and I said I didn't think so although he tried and that seemed to settle him down and to use as an excuse. I have been married for 44 years to a gentle man who has undergone all of this with me. He deserved better than me I think. We have two daughters, both married, and have one granddaughter.

If you don't think you can talk to a therapist, by all means start writing a journal. It will help very much in getting the thoughts out of your head and on to paper. My journals started at age 20 and continue today. My family considers them off limits. You will not be betraying your father, or cause him to carry out any threats he may have told you about. I am still in touch once every two weeks with my therapist who keeps me on the straight and narrow. After you have been writing for a while, you may find yourself willing to try therapy. There will probably be a low cost clinic in your town or nearby. Go with your instincts. You are not there to please a therapist, you are there to hire one. It will take courage, but it will also change you life over time and perhaps then you can work on your alcoholism. First things first. But above and beyond all things, be kind and gentle to the child who is inside you lost, frightened, and terrorized. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 3:38pm
Emily welcome to the board.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 3:42pm
Torn, welcome to the board.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 12:30am
I just had to pop in and say I can't stand how they blame it on the meds they were taking or the drugs they were on. My dad used the excuse he was on drugs and didn't know what was going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2010
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 12:37am
Mine absolutely knew what he was doing. It's just an excuse, like you said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 12:51am
I still have alot of hurt, even though he has apoligozed. I feel like that is something I wont have around my children and I have to protect them. He says I have felt like killing my self, I told him like I havent? I deal with this day to day and I do not feel suicidal anymore, but still have flashbacks almost 20 yrs later. I hate how I feel so damn parinoid that I wont let ppl watch my children.