Attending a funeral?

Avatar for lilredmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Attending a funeral?
4
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 10:44am

My mother divorced my abuser in 1997. My mother passed away in 2000. He remarried in 1998. Last week, he died and his memorial service is this week. I wanted to attend a visitation to (hopefully) provide myself with a bit of closure by seeing him "lying in state" and make my presence seen. However, he has been cremated, so there will be no "visual", so to speak. There will also be no visitation, since he was cremated in another state and I don't even know if his ashes will be present at the service. I still feel compelled to be present to somehow "represent" not only myself, but my mother and my sisters....to keep those 20+ years of his life known...a fact he seemed to want to make disappear. Would you consider this inappropriate, or a bad idea?

lilredmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 7:47pm
Lilredmom, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner then this.
 

 

 

Avatar for lilredmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 8:52am

Thanks. I really do feel compelled to go. However, I am also a tad bid nervous...I guess you could call it. I was wondering if there was anyone else here who had experienced this and how it worked out for them. I thank you for your input.

lilredmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:02am
lileredmom, how are you doing?
 

 

 

Avatar for lilredmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 9:50am
I did go. It was more of a memorial service. I am glad that I went, but I did not get the closure/resolution that I had hoped for. There were some family there, but there weren't very many people. I know a couple of people saw/recognized me...which I had hoped would happen. I didn't speak to anyone. We left immediately after. There is another funeral service to take place in Florida...where he was living at the time of his death. I am doing ok...I guess. I had a breakdown with my DH (bless his very strong heart) after the service on the drive home. There is so much i feel I need to get out, but I don't really know the right words to do so. Anger, regret, loathing, relief.....ugh. Admitting the hold he has had over my life and continues to have is so hard. I'm not as healed/far removed from it as I thought/hoped. Lots to still work through...but I am glad that I went. Thanks for checking in on me.