need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2010
need advice
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 9:28pm

Hi. I don't really know where to start. A little background: my DH was sexually abused a lot in his late teen years by a close friend of the family and once by a potential employeer. He said he was close to suicide more than once. He told me everything shortly after we got married (about 6 years ago). I have listened, tried to be as understanding and supportive as I can. He says that I do a good job. he told me that because of his past it makes it very hard to be around women who want him, that even if he doesn't like them or want to be physically involved with them, it's very hard to not let things happen if they're persistant. He was intimate with a co-worker once and one of my friends a few times. I really do believe what he said b/c of the type of women they were, his attitude about them previously and the fact that he told me about it shortly after. He said he was sorry and wanted to stay together. I forgave him and did my best to work through everything.

Through most of our marriage our intimacy has been somewhat of a struggle. It just seems like whatever I do isn't good enough (and I'm willing to do just about anything). We'll have good stretches for awhile, but overall it seems like there's always been some issues. He is from a big family and always wanted to be married and have kids, but he says because of what he went through he doesn't think he should be married and that he just wants to go do a bunch of girls, but then if he did that he knows it wouldn't change anything and he'd probablly want to kill himself even more.

Today I found something he wrote to one of his friends. It said that he doesn't know why but he doesn't really get into sex with me. He said I am not doing anything wrong, he just doesn't want it. The friend said a sexless marriage isn't a happy one and he said that we have a kid and I (refering to me) don't want a divorce. (We have never even talked about one)

Other than sex, we have a really good relationship. He often says that he loves me and gets me special things, is great with our daughter, we spend time together, play games, go out, and don't have any other issues besides the occasional disagreement.

How do you feel with your spouses? Are these issues any of you have dealt with?

What can I do help things be better and help him heal?

Sorry this is so long. I appreciate any advice or tips you can give me. Feel free to ask any questions... thanks in advance.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 12:52am




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 4:53pm

It must have been very upsetting to see that letter; also to have dealt with his infidelities and hear him talk about wanting to "do a bunch of girls."