no memory?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2010
no memory?
5
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 8:08pm

Hi everyone

I'm new here but I've been wondering about this for a very long time, today the anxiety over it is extremely high though.
Is it possible for someone to be abused as a child and not remember what happened?

I don't want to talk about this with family because I have no idea if anything even happened..I don't want to bring it up if I have no reason to.

For most of my life now (I'm 22) I've always had a feeling like I was sexually abused at some point but I can't remember anything actually happening. All I know is I've always been afraid of older men, even now that I'm an adult..I get nervous around men older than me and I usually have to leave the situation. I know that when I was little I acted weird too, and my mom noticed. I remember her asking me when I was about 7 if anyone had ever hurt me in that way. I know I said no to her but I remember thinking that I was lying. Even since then she's asked me here and there, and still now I feel like I'm lying when I say no..but I can't remember anything so it's really confusing why I'd feel this way. When my mom asked me the first time when I was 7, it was because I was drawing pictures of naked people all the time and hiding them..she ended up finding them. She wasn't mad at all, just worried and sad. I don't remember where I would have seen anything like that to draw it at that age. Plus I got bladder infections all the time around that age and my doctor and mom couldn't understand why or how.

Another thing is I was always very aware of what sex was since I can remember, I don't know where I even learned what it was though. I used to masturbate all the time (around age 6 or 7) and I know that's not normal for a girl that age..and I even remember trying to get one of my friends to do sexual things with me around that time too. For most of my life too, I've had a lot of self-hatred and I don't know where that came from. I was obsessed with my body and starved myself constantly..and I used to cut myself a lot when I hit puberty, but I hid that from everyone. I told my mom about the cutting years later, she asked me why I did it and I told her it was because I hate myself. And again, the topic of sexual abuse came up. I'm wondering if my mom asked me all the time about it because she already thought someone close to me was a little weird? I'm not really sure.

I'm really confused over this. I really don't know what to think. Maybe I'm just reading into things too much? I keep telling myself that, but there's something inside of me screaming at me to stop kidding myself and that something happened. But how is that possible if I have no memory of it? And if someone is abused doesn't that usually lead to them being disgusted by sex? Because, I'm not..if anything I was extremely promiscuous for a while, I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. I don't know..does anyone have an opinion about this? I'm freaking out right now over it.

please help me :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 9:46am

hi.

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Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Thu, 03-31-2011 - 11:03pm

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 2:33am
I honestly know how you feel, and how awkward it is to feel that you know something is wrong but you dont know the whole story, I am 20 and I have limited memory of what happened when I was 5 I have blocked out majority of my childhood, it feels like you just had a dream and thats what it was thats what bothers me is that I feel like its not true because I dont have a clear memory of it. I also had bladder infections for years as a child and the doctor never knew, I hope you are glad that you are not the only person feeling like this and that you can talk to someone without them knowing you, because I know I am very happy that I can talk about it and people understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 7:31pm
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Welcome to our board.
 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:09pm

I'm sorry you haven't received a reply before now.