bad bad nite

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
bad bad nite
4
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 2:38am
i am having a very very horrible time tonight. its 2:20am and i am here shaking sweating chills with horrid memories. i am breathing thru them. its not working. why must this be so hard? im 37 yrs old memories far back as 30, 31, 32 yrs ago i was 5 i can remember. for 10yrs. but 5yrs old? new memories are rushing to me. my mind is letting me remember. i dont want to. i feel so ill. i want to SI but i am not. i feel so ill tho. i feel so sad. the little girl so tiny so scared didnt know what to do scared to death couldnt utter a sound wanted desparately to run to mom but knew he would kill her. tender age of 5 believing him understand he would KILL her. and after 10yrs he killed her anyway. i feel so ill. just so ill. scared. terrorized. little. hurt. alone. :(
~~Shannon
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to: sjn73
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 11:12am
~hugs~
The earliest I can remember is around 6/7.
He also made it clear if my Mom or Nanny knew they would die.
They are both gone now.
My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry about the LOSS of your Mom.
<3
You are not in any way responsible.
Sometimes we do what we need to do to survive to protect those we LOVE.
I thought he ONLY abused me...I was wrong...it's sad when Survivours are the ONES who feel a sense of guilt, who feel guilty.
I am not responsible for what happened to me or the others, he is.
Just know you are not ALONE...my heart aches for the little girl inside of me.
Sending you a "VIRTUAL" ~hug~
Nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
In reply to: sjn73
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 2:18pm

thank youu very much.

and just what i did not need today is a call from my husband's work saying he was being transported to the hospital for passing out with low bp and vommiting and worsening right kidney pain he has been having and on an antibiotic for but he is also in the early part of stage 4 renal failure. He is home now his sugars are still running about 250 his bp is up a bit with fluids and he is on another medication for his kidney. He also has a stomach virus. Yeah if just a little thing happens its a huge thing with him with his health and a huge worry. He sees the kidney doc this week. It is not going to be good news we know that. Hey the drs said he wouldnt live to see 50 between his heart, strokes, everything from the diabeties since age 19.... but he will be 50 in Nov.

~~Shannon
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to: sjn73
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 7:59am
~hugs~
My heart goes out to you and your husband.
You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
>3
Nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
In reply to: sjn73
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 7:36pm
Shannon, I'm so sorry for all you are going through right now.