The Catholic Faith - I've lost it
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The Catholic Faith - I've lost it
| Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:41am |
I have been catholic all my life. Granted I'm not an avid church goer, but I do believe! Recently I've been having some depression issues and have found thru my counselor that most of it is due to the guilt over my past. She suggested I go to confession. But I've just learned that the catholic faith has turned to face to face confessionals. Just don't think I can do that and be able to look my priest in the eyes again. This guilt weighs heavy on me. I pray nightly that God has forgiven me, but how do I know he has? I feel like I'm losing my faith. I know they say "ask and ye shall receive", but how do I know? I'm so confused right now. Anyone with some words of advice would be greatly appreciated!
Chris

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You hit the nail right on the head. Most of my past guilt is over 2 affairs that I had. I am truely very sorry for what I did. It was so wrong and I would never do it again. I just want to know that I am forgiven for this. I know that committing adultry is part of the commandmants and I guess I had that driven into me for so many years that that is why I'm having a hard time with the guilt. I have prayed my heart out for forgiveness. Do you think I have been forgiven? What if I write my priest an anonymous letter? I did call the church and he refuses to do an old fashioned confessional. Just told me that was our "new rules".
Chris
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Mom to furangel, Chelse
Personally, it sounds as if you haven't forgiven yourself yet. No one else can do this but you. Not even a priest. I suffered through depression and tried to commit suicide by taken a large amount of pills. During that time, I hated EVERYONE (except my kids). I never really had that time in life to be wild and let loose. I got married early, worked since I was 13, and at one time, was pregnant, working full time and going to school full time. I thought I missed out on everything. I resented my husband, my parents, my boss and anyone who didn't agree with me. I acted like a wild child. I went out binge drinking at bars, and I started taking pills. During this time, I was partying and got really messed up. I found out from a "supposed" friend that someone I trusted took advantage of me. I was horrified! I lost hope in everything.
I decided I needed to talk to my husband and tell him the truth and I knew I had to change my life! Things were like hell for awhile, but I kept pushing through it. I meditated everyday, wrote journals, went to counseling and rebuilt trust with my husband. EVERYONE makes bad choices. The difference between continuing on a rough path or changing your life is forgiving yourself. You can't forgive until you come to terms with your past and then keep those problems in your past. Honestly, you'll never "forget" what you did, but you can always make your past experiences show you a different way of life. The way you get through those problems can one day help someone who may be going through the same situation now.
Take it easy on yourself!
Robbyn
Chris,
Don't worry so much about the actual act of going to the church building. Create your own in the privacy of your own space where you are most comfortable. no interruptions and just focus on the issue that you are concerned with. No one but you and God need to know or even have any business knowing what it is because this is your own lesson and you obviously aren't at the point of teaching the lesson to others yet (but will be very soon).
Make sure to cover all aspects of this issue. What happened, your role in the situation, if it happened today would you change anything you did, what have you done to either remedy it, assuming that it is within your power. You can be guilty but, the thing is there are no accidents for some reason, this event or whatever needed to happen and I am positive that you are the main target of this lesson so don't make the mistake of getting stuck at guilt. That would make you guilty of not accepting God's teaching. You have to honestly just sit and talk to God about how you feel about this.
I know from personal experience that emotionally painful lessons are the difficult ones to learn because your mind is not working with you very well. I also know that these are the most important and rewarding lessons to learn and I have always recieved a special "God-given gift" when I resolve the issue inside myself. For example the gift of grace,gift of empathy, gift of discernment, etc..
As long as you wouldn't do it again,try to make it right in some way, confess to God himself, and help at least one other person (if not many), you can't keep this lesson to yourself, help someone else that is on the edge of ending up in the same boat or someone who already has to get through it because you actually know the answers and how it feels from experience now.
I'm not sure if I am helping or not but I definitely am feeling for you and if you need or wnt to talk go ahead and e-mail. I'm here and I also recently suffered from severe depression for awhile. I no longer feel depressed, but I know the how it can tear up spirit. Don't let it!
Faith is a funny thing. Sometimes in our life we say, or do things that cause harm to either ourselves or others. You stated that your therapist said that your depression has to do with guilt over something that happened in your past. I am sure that you have discussed your past with your therapist and they have the understanding on how unresolved issues from your past can weigh heavily on not only your present, but also your future. On the one hand, your faith tells you that if God would just forgive you, that you will feel better; but on the other hand, something about this past event is still hindering your present and future. Now, this is just a guess, but because you are not at rest with your past event, and you are not happy you feel that there is something wrong with your faith. What you need to consider is that faith is more complex than that. Try to take stock about what happened.
Then think about your part in this event. Is there something you can do to make right the event that is causing you guilt. The most important thing to think about is that by making this right you do NOT cause more pain to either yourself or others. An example would be to ask your kids to forgive you for losing your temper when they were a baby and breaking their arm, or hurting them in some way. The kid will feel bad and lose confidence in you and even though your pain is relieved, you have cause further pain to your child. So, basically if there is something you can do, that will not cause further pain do it, if not let go of it. Another thing that works, is to pray for the other person involved.
I hope this all helped in some way!
Blessed be my knees, that support me before the Divine.
Blessed be my abdomen, that gives me inner strength.
Blessed be my breast, that holds my heart true to them.
Blessed be my lips, that speak the secret names.
Blessed be my eyes, that see the beauty of their love.
Blessed be my mind, that seeks their knowledge and their wisdom.
Ann
You guys are so right. I know that. I have to learn to forgive myself. Maybe I'm looking for an easy out by wanting to know God forgives me. I know I have to let it go and forgiving myself is the way to do that. I just wish it could happen now. I would never do what I did again. I have learned from that. I've been in that situation since with the same person and have walked away. I know he is no good for me and no good could ever come out of it. I sort of feel sorry for his wife as I know he is continuing his cheating with other women. I've even thought about going to her, but I know she has worried about him and I in the past and am afraid if I did go to her she would in turn go to my husband. Granted this happened before I was married to him (although we were dating). It would still kill him. I was in an abusive relationship with him (the ex) and several others after that. I learned very much from that and would never put myself in that position again and feel that I can help others who have been and are in abusive relationships. Maybe it has taken all that for me to finally realize the guilt I was harboring and I'm on my way to healing and forgiveness. I never realized how much guilt I had until I started going to my therapist. She actually had me write down on a piece of paper all the things in my life I felt guilt over and wanted to change. On New Years Eve, we burned that and said a prayer. She is into Reiki (sp? Ray-kee) and was taught this.
So basically, you guys are telling me and I should tell myself to have patience and forgive. I just wish I would just forget it all ever happened. I know that won't happen and I wouldn't know what I do today if I had forgotten.
Sorry for the rambling. You guys have helped me so much. Truely!!! I know now that I haven't lost my faith, just myself. Somewhere, somehow, someday I will be back!
Chris
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Mom to furangel, Chelse
Take care,
Robbyn
<< I have prayed my heart out for forgiveness. Do you think I have been forgiven? >>
By your Deity?
Take it one day at a time and if you want peace, in your soul enough, You will have it. Just try to remember that you are not responsible for what others do. You are just responsible for your own actions.
good luck!
Blessed be my knees, that support me before the Divine.
Blessed be my abdomen, that gives me inner strength.
Blessed be my breast, that holds my heart true to them.
Blessed be my lips, that speak the secret names.
Blessed be my eyes, that see the beauty of their love.
Blessed be my mind, that seeks their knowledge and their wisdom.
Ann
I think you are on the right track! Part of the healing process is realizing that you need guidance and forgiveness. I think you should start with prayer. It doesn't have to be on your knees - it doesn't even have to be out loud. Just start a dialogue with God and let Him know that you are in need and that you ask forgiveness for what is troubling you. You can also go to your local Christian or Catholic store and browse the book aisle. There are alot of devotional and daily meditation books geared to women that touch upon these issues. I also find Christian radio to be a great motivator and comforter. Try klove.com to find one near you. The songs are uplifting. Once you are in the mindset to open your heart to Christ - it will become second nature and you will seek more. Try attending mass every now & then to get back in the groove of church. Most churches still have box confessionals. With Lent coming up - there are special confession times after Ash Wednesday masses...maybe you can try it then. I had not been to confession since the high school and waited 15 years later to try it again. It really did cleanse the soul. I wish you best on your journey. I will pray for you for peace.
In Christ's Love,
Dianna
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