The Catholic Faith - I've lost it

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Registered: 03-09-2004
The Catholic Faith - I've lost it
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Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:41am

I have been catholic all my life. Granted I'm not an avid church goer, but I do believe! Recently I've been having some depression issues and have found thru my counselor that most of it is due to the guilt over my past. She suggested I go to confession. But I've just learned that the catholic faith has turned to face to face confessionals. Just don't think I can do that and be able to look my priest in the eyes again. This guilt weighs heavy on me. I pray nightly that God has forgiven me, but how do I know he has? I feel like I'm losing my faith. I know they say "ask and ye shall receive", but how do I know? I'm so confused right now. Anyone with some words of advice would be greatly appreciated!

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 6:18am

Chris;


I'm new here, my name is Laure.

Blessed Be!

Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 3:42pm

You all have helped me so very much. I think I know what I need to do now. I just needed that push and you all gave me that. Thank you so very very very much. I'm so glad I came across this board. What a wonderful place!

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
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Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 2:40pm
Hi Chris, I'm not sure if you've read my story in introducing yourself but in it I mention about my husband's affair and how that changed my life completely. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't totally devastated at the time I discovered the affair but reading this thread has certainly made me think about things in a way I hadn't done for a long time. In the beginning I wanted the other woman to feel the pain that I was going through, to know what it was like to hurt so much that you couldn't even think straight or function as a person and I felt so much anger towards her I wanted revenge. She had her own husband, how dare she think she could also have mine. I wanted her husband to find out so that she could know the hurt and the devastation she had caused me. I wallowed in that pain for about 3 years although over that time the intensity of it decreased as did the frequency with which I felt those emotions. After about 15 months I wrote to her and told her that I had forgiven her, in truth I was still hurting but I had made up my mind that the only person I was hurting by holding on to the pain was myself and I had made the decision to forgive. Forgiveness is a decision - I never knew that before - but that doesn't mean that you wake up one morning and find it has washed over you all of a sudden and everything is different. It means making the decision each day to not give your power away by letting the hurt get the better of you. Did I have days when I didn't succeed in my quest, damn right I did, but I kept at it. She replied to my letter and pretty much said the same thing you did. She said that she wasn't looking for my forgiveness because she could not forgive herself for what she had done both to my family and her own. My reason for writing to her was selfish, I didn't really care whether she was grateful for my forgiveness or not, I did it for me - for my own peace of mind. After reading your post I've asked myself would I still want her to be feeling now as she did 3 years ago when I wrote to her and I have realised that I most definitely would not. It would not serve me, her or either of our families. I read a fantastic book from the library on forgiveness which really helped me but unfortunately I cannot remember the author though I am sure that there are some really good ones out there. So many people told me to forgive and forget and I just thought yeah, right, how am I supposed to just forget something that had such a dramatic influence on my life. The book explained how forgetting is not possible and made me feel much better about myself as I knew I could not forget. It also explained what forgiveness really is far better than I ever could and how holding on to guilt or anger is destructive to you, when letting go of it can help things be turned around into something positive instead.
If you would like to talk about this further then I am happy to do so via e-mail but once again I'd say that I would not want this woman to be feeling as you have now. If there were more affairs that my husband had before that I didn't know about I would not want to find out about them now, because the person he is now is different to the one back then and it would only bring me more heartache but I don't believe that there are he is too bad a liar and far too sorry for the heartache he caused me.
A meditation you might like to try is one where you imagine yourself with angels who you ask to cleanse your heart. They take your heart to God and cleanse it in a beautiful fountain removing any sin, guilt, hurt etc and if you concentrate you will see any blackness being removed from your heart and see it return to a lovely pink colour before they place it lovingly back in your body. After doing this a few times you really can feel a difference.
I hope this has helped in some way. It has helped me to realise how I now feel and how I would no longer want to be holding on to all that pain and hurt, but have instead turned it into something very positive. I have a strong, loving relationship with my husband and we share a much stronger bond than we did previously and that is a good thing and I'm sure you can learn to accept that you made a mistake and now it's time to forgive yourself for that and move forward with love in your heart both for your husband and yourself.
Brightest Blessings Carol
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Registered: 03-09-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 10:18am

Thank you so much for your perspective Carol. I had decided to just keep my mouth shut and keep my knowings to myself. His business is no longer mine. I guess the one thing I never mentioned was before I did all this, I was previously married and my husband cheated on me. I guess I never got over it and this was my way of lashing out. I'm learning this forgiving thing slowly. It's not an easy thing to do, but I'm getting there. I have forgiven my ex husband, but would never tolerate it again. How funny I should be the one saying that, huh?! I hope I'm never faced with this situation again and never plan to let myself get put into that situation. I just want to go on with my life and family I have now. I hope God has forgiven me and helps to lead me into the right direction.

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:27am
Chris I am sure that God has forgiven you how could s/he not. You are obviously very sorry for the way you behaved and I'm sure that all along God knew that you were acting out of pain and whilst no one is pretending that it was a good thing, you have certainly learned a lot from it and used the knowledge to improve your life. If that doesn't deserve forgiveness then I'm at a loss to know what does.
I can soooo understand your comment about not tolerating it again. I too flirted way too seriously with two guys as a kick back to my husband's affair so I understand how you could use that as a way of lashing out. One of the guy's I didn't even particularly like, which was partly why I did it because I knew there was no chance I was going to fall for him. My husband to this day does not know about this and I am not going to hurt him with it now as I know that I would not do it again and that it was the hurt I was feeling at the time that contributed to me doing it in the first place, and what we have now is too precious for that, but if he ever did anything to betray me in that way again I wouldn't even consider trying to rebuild again I would just call it a day. What he did made me consider a life on my own in a way I never had before and I found out that I could live that life and be happy and whilst I do love him I know that if he chose that path again he has learnt nothing from the past 4+ years and there would be no point in continuing.
Good Luck with your determination to forgive, I too have had feelings of guilt over what I did and I know it's not easy but then most things worthwhile usually aren't so stick with it :)
Carol

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