Forgive and Forget?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Forgive and Forget?
4
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 12:28pm

I have a friend of mine who has a question about forgiveness. I really didn't know how to respond to her and since you all seem as if you give wise advice, I thought I would ask you.

At the age of 12, my friend's uncle kissed her and fondled her breast. My friend got the courage to tell her guardian (and she said that the guardian put him out of the house the same night). She said that she was very proud of herself for doing that and thankful that her guardian (grandmother) believed her. She was one of the lucky ones.

She said that she had forgotten about it, forgiven him and let it go until recently. She says that he really seemed as if he was sorry about what he did and has even tried to help her financially while she was in school, fixing her car etc. He also discovered that he has diabetes and is really really sick sometimes. Not too mention (as she says) he is in severe debt because of this.

She said recently the thoughts have resurfaced. She said he has not done anything to her in terms of what happened before, but has been very nice. She said that she had forgiven him (because her terms, at that time, he may have been "mentally sick") and forgotten it. She said that although she has forgiven or forgotten, he has never apologize for what happened.

I told her maybe she isn't as over it as she thought she was. At the same time, though, I was always told that you should forgive people who have hurt you.

I believe that the devil implants the past in your head to cause you trouble or grief. I really don't know how to respond to her, only that she needs to pray about it. She has said on many occassions that she believes that he has paid (and continues to pay) for his sins. So why would this come up now? And how do I advise her how to get pass this?

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. I really want to help her, I just don't know how.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2001
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 12:39pm

I am sorry about your friend. Thank the Goddess for her grandmother believing her. So many are not that lucky... :-\ Something like this, child sexual abuse, remains in the psyche, I think. In my view, there is a big difference between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving is an act of liberation for yourself, even more so than for the person who harmed/hurt you. As for forgetting, I don't know that it's possible. Every experience teaches us something, no matter how awful the experience may be. So, in a way, forgetting would be forgetting the wisdom one learns, too...and to be observant and careful and that it's o.k. to set limits with people and act on them.

Counseling might be a good tool for her, if she has, and it sounds like she does, unresolved issues surrounding this traumatic event in her childhood. That the man is sick and poor and all of that, *NOW,* has nothing to do with what he did in the past. Your friend needs to let go of the psychological hold he has over her. That he has never even said he's sorry is very telling. He could be too embarrassed to bring it up, but your friend needs to hear it, I think. Perhaps a ritual where she writes out her forgiveness and letting go of him, calling upon her deities, and then burning the paper, as a symbol of letting go? Hopefully this could help.

What I don't understand is why she continues to have a connection with this man in her life. Perhaps all his helpfulness is his way of showing his guilt and sorrow at what he did. Perhaps she needs to just face him and say, "I forgive you?"

Just some ruminations, not knowing your friend, and all.

Gypsy



Blessings,

Gypsy

)O(



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 3:46pm

My impression is that he HAS expressed his regret and sorrow for the past, but in deeds instead of words. Men seem to handle things differently than we women do. Think about how often you hear women say their men don't say the words 'I love you' yet they show them constantly in all the little thoughtful things they do. It sounds to me like he's trying to SHOW his feelings, not just say words.

As for her forgiving and forgetting. I agree with Gypsy that forgetting probably isn't possible. And probably isn't for the best. Remembering the lesson learned is just as important as moving on from the emotional pain. Could it be that she hasn't forgiven HERSELF? It's my understanding that many victims in these sorts of situations blame themselves, whether they contributed in any way or not.

No advice beyond what's already been suggested. Counseling or writing things out helps many. I too have the problem of not forgiving myself for the parts I've played in past situations, so I'm probably not in the position to really say anything.

(((Hugs))) to her though!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 3:48pm

Reading your message 'reminded' me that the same thing happened to me when I was about the same age as your friend with my step-father. I'm not sure though that I had 'forgotten' about it, I just had not thought about it in a long, long time. I too told my mum - she confronted him about it and he apologised saying that he had drunk too much. All alcohol disappeared from our home for quite a while after that though did eventually creep back in. He died just a couple of months after I got married but I can't say I ever felt comfortable around him again after that time though nothing inappropriate ever happened again. As for forgiving him, I believe that I have but I don't think that I every truly forgot about it. I read a fantastic book a few years ago about forgiveness and many things in the book struck a chord with me though unfortunately I can't remember the author and I had borrowed it from the library, but I'm sure there must be some other good ones out there. The book explained that you should not forgive someone for something unless what they had done is unforgiveable as something that is forgiveable can be put right, something that is unforgiveable cannot. In my opinion what happened to your friend cannot be put right. It also explained that something that someone does that hurts you that cannot be put right should not be forgotten as trying to forget about it would cause suppression that was likely to erupt at a future stage. I think it sounds like this is what is happening to your friend. There was a lot more in the book about how forgiving does not mean condoning that what the person did was right and that the wronged person should not approach the perpetrator to express their forgiveness until such time as they were totally certain that the reaction of that person would not affect them. It gave an anacdotal story about a person who had suffered sexual abuse as a child and who had approached this person to tell them they had forgiven them, however the person laughed and told that they did not want their forgiveness. This opened up all sorts of old wounds and it was a long time before they were back to the point they had been at previously.

I'm not really sure that I have answered your question, but I think that your friend needs to do a lot more work on discovering whether she is ready to forgive or just somehow feels responsible for the situation that this person is in presently. IMO she has no need to feel any responsibility whatsoever for this. I can only suggest praying, meditating and possibly seeking the help of a trained counsellor of sexual abuse if she feels it necessary. I do hope that she finds some peace of mind about this and is able to move on from it. All that you can do is be there to listen to her when she needs it and give her all the support that you can.

Brightest Blessings
Carol

Avatar for dustbunny48
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 7:27pm

You've been given a lot of good suggestions.