Advice needed - relationship
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| Sun, 03-06-2005 - 7:40pm |
Wow...where to begin? I guess I'll start at the beginning.
I met my fiancee in August of 2004, and yes, I'll admit it moved VERY fast. He was a soldier home on leave for a few weeks after returning from Iraq. We spent one weekend together, then he had to return to base to finish out the rest of his enlistment (he was due to be out of the Army in December).
As the months progressed, we talked non-stop on the phone/computer. Hours on end. I fell madly in love with him, and eventually hopped a plane and flew down to see him for 5 days. As we talked, our relationship developed into one of trust, happiness and love. Both of us have pretty 'unsettling' past histories, and we felt blessed to have found each other. Eventually, I invited him to come and stay with me after he got out of the Army - he had no where to go, unless he were to stay at his ex-wife's (where his daughter lives). He agreed, and he moved in here on Dec 12.
Things have been up and down. Mostly up, but we've had our share of disagreements. Nothing major and NO violence at all. Just some heated debates. One of the most major glitches we encountered was when I saw a bunch of emails between him and an ex-gf of his, dating from Sept-Dec. I had known about her - apparently she claimed he was the father of her oldest child. He denied paternity and was in the process of having JAG do an investigation. Last I had known, they had a major fight on the phone in July and hadn't spoken since, so finding these emails was pretty disturbing. I read them all (big no no, but I couldn't stop myself) and read his replies as well - which relieved me because he was basically telling her to take a leap and to leave him alone. We mended fences and things were ok - but I did advise him to find out 100% FOR SURE whether or not he was this child's father, or else it could really come back and bite our butts later on. Shortly after this, he proposed to me.
Flash forward to March 2. We had a disagreement because I just felt that things weren't working out. There was major stress in the home and I was seriously thinking that maybe we needed to take a step back and re-evaluate things. He asked me if I wanted him to be here, and I honestly said "I don't know" - which I KNOW hurt him deeply, but it was how I was feeling. I explained that I didn't want to break up, but maybe he should look into getting his own place so that we had some 'apart' time to just think. We talked and didn't really reach any conclusions, except that we needed to discuss it further.
Ok, so the next morning, I had to leave to go shopping/out to lunch w/ my sister. Before I left, I asked him if we were 'ok' and whether or not I needed to worry about coming home and finding him GONE? He said 'oh, of course not, I love you and things will work out somehow, we just need to talk more'. So, I left. Later that day, I tried calling home 2-3 times, but got no answer, which was odd. I was starting to worry, but not panic.
I got home around 3:15 and he was no where to be found. Then I saw it. A handwritten note from him on the table, saying that 'some officers came by and said they have a warrant for my arrest. They are taking me to jail and I will let you know what is going on. I love you'. So, I'm totally flipped out. I called the jail and discovered that he had been picked up on a bench warrant from another county. Bond was CASH ONLY and the amount was $2,200. He happened to be standing there when I called and told the officer to tell me 'not to worry about it'. I asked her to have him call me when he got a chance, but it's now Saturday and he hasn't called. I don't know if its because he thinks I don't care, OR if it's because I know he hasn't gotten our new phone # memorized. They won't give him a message from me, and he can't call information to get the # because the only calls he can make are collect. UGH. I can't go visit him because he's considered a 'fugitive' from another county. So, I have to wait until he is transported there before I can even talk to him. Obviously, I do not have $2,200 laying around (I am currently laid off) to bail him out. I have about $900 that I could spare, but it will cut me back big time.
I called his ex-wife and asked her if she had ANY clue what it was about - she mentioned child support for the child from he ex-gf. One more call to the jail and I found out that the warrant WAS for not paying the support. The bond of $2,200 was 10% of what he owes her!
I knew how to contact her (the mother) and I did. She called me back and I discovered that he has known ALL ALONG that he was the child's father - paternity was established BEFORE the child was even born! THEN I also found out that she has ANOTHER child by him as well - that was conceived before he left for Iraq. Apparently, the entire time he was overseas, they were planning on getting married when he got home. I had no clue about any of this, so obviously I was crushed, hurt and shocked. She also informed me that they had talked on the phone a few times in December - right before he moved in with me. She had even asked him if he was involved with anyone and he said NO!!!! Knowing FULL WELL he was leaving to come move in with ME! He also told her that when he got out of the Army, he had taken a job doing security in Kuwait and was headed back overseas. Thus, she didn't even know he was in the USA until I contacted her.
She says that IF she had known about me, she never would have contacted him again. I don't know whether or not to believe ANYTHING this woman says. She also told me that all she wants from him is her child support that is rightfully owed to her - which I agree 100% with. She says she wants 'no part' of anything to do with our relationship and that she does not want him back. She's got 3 kids by 2 dads and is currently pregnant with another child from her husband - dad #3 - and HE just filed for divorce. So, I'm not sure what to believe. She called me again last night, stating that she wants nothing to do with any of it and that she will deal with HIM when it comes to THEIR children. I fired back that she could expect for me to be in on all of these discussions as well, because I am his fiancee and that he will include me in all of these things. It was a mess.
I am just numb to everything right now. I want to talk to him, and find out WHY he lied and kept these things from me. As I said, I cannot call him or visit him for at least another 6 days. I have time to think, but all I do is MISS HIM and wonder what to do. I do love him, but I cannot be a doormat. I know that he WILL have to contact me - everything he owns is in my house - his computer, his wallet, his ATM/credit cards, his motorcycle, clothes - etc. I just really don't know what to do.
Do I forgive him? Do I pile all his stuff out in the yard and change the locks? Do I just sit here, licking my wounds and hope that we can work things out? I feel so alone, lost and scared. I wish he would call me. I know by now that he's GOT to realize I've figured out the truth - so maybe THAT is why he's not calling - out of shame, embarrasment, feeling like an ass?
Any words of advice, comfort, etc would be appreciated. Prayers, too. I am a Christian, and I want to forgive, but I do NOT want to be walked on. No one in his life has ever stood up for him or stood BY him, and I don't feel the 'Christian' thing to do would be to walk away and/or kick him while he's down.
Thanks for reading - I know it was long.

Dear learning...
Your relationship started intensely. You are mistaking love for infatuation and intensity. Think about when you met. He sounded noble. A soldier in Iraq defending our country. He probably told you all the stories of his line of duty. You idealized him, but he is only human. In his defense, it was probably a tough time for him over there and he was looking for compassion and affection. Problem is, he wanted to make himself look noble and he idealized himself, too.... through lies. A relationship cannot be formed under misguided trust.
It is okay to forgive him, but don't go back to him! DON"T GIVE HIM MONEY!!!DON"T SUPPORT HIS PROBLEMS!!!Whether or not the ex has a shady past, if he didn't believe this child was his, I know for a fact that anyone involved in the armed forces can get a paternity test for questioning of paternity. My other sister was in the Navy for 11 years and has a son that was denied by another soldier. As soon as that baby was born they did a DNA test on him. No price tag. He could have easily gotten a test done long ago if he didn't think it was his. He may have already.
Always remember that you deserve true love and someone who will return those affections to you. Don't settle for anyone that is less than that. True love is true friendship. Someone you can tell everything to and they return their full attention to your needs and wants and vice versa.
Take care and remember we are all here for you!
Love and Blessings,
R-
I know your hurting right now and you don't know what to do but my advice is pretty much the same as the others I'm afraid.
This man may have some redeeming features and I don't mean to suggest that he doesn't but based on the evidence alone just how much can you trust what he tells you. By all means forgive him, but don't allow yourself to be sucked into his problems. Whether he has one or two children with this woman isn't the issue, it is the lies that he told you and the fact that he was continuting to lead both of you along with false promises. Regardless of how unsettling his past has been that is no excuse for the disrespect he has shown to you by his actions and as for no one in his life standing up for him or standing by him how do you know what chances he has been given by people in his life so far that he has squandered. You only have his version of events and so far those haven't proven to be too accurate. Even if that is true though that does not mean that you have to sacrifice your self respect (or your money) for this man because you feel that you are not doing the Christian thing. You gave him a home and support when you felt he needed it, that doesn't make you responsible for him for the rest of his life. Your first responsibility is to yourself and you shouldn't feel any guilt for choosing not to help him out of a hole that he has created for himself. It may be that this is one of his life lessons and if you take responsibility for his stuff it may hinder rather help him in the long run.
I will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers and please keep us updated and your progress.
((((Hugs)))) Carol
I agree with the others.
I was lurking through here and your post hit a nerve.
Being a good Christian does not mean that you allow yourself to be used, lied to and abused. Physical abuse is not the only type of abuse out there - this man has deceived you and lied to you, mentally and emotionally abused you. Being a good Christian includes being good to yourself as well as others.
A relationship of this kind is toxic. If the devil had knocked on your door and told you he was down on his luck, would you help him, knowing what he's capable of? Along with your connection to doing 'good' and being a loving, caring person as it relates to your faith, you also have the responsibility of disallowing others to take advantage of that loving, caring person. You have the right to protect yourself. No one is going to consider your disengaging yourself from this man as an act of 'kicking him while he's down' - his wounds are self inflicted and are no fault of yours.