Advice requested
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| Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:23pm |
I posted a short while ago about how I had realised that I have some issues I need to deal with from my childhood. I have begun to work of them and have been spending some quiet time thinking about things and doing loads of journalling, which has really helped me to become focused but over the weekend I found myself having obsessive thoughts about my husband's affair and feeling some of the old hurts etc. It has been a year since I felt this way and I couldn't understand why it should return now, then last night I was writing in my journal and I realised that maybe it was a defence mechanism i.e. I was using it as a way of avoiding dealing with these other issues.
Does anyone else think that this may be the case, or maybe others have found themselves behaving in this way and may have some advice for me as to how I can put this aside so that I can begin to deal with other things.
Many Thanks
Carol

Hey Carol!
I got a good book for you...I am not sure, you may have read it, and don't laugh about who wrote it(some people think he is out ther just for money...I don't), but it really helped me get over some residual feelings. It's Dr. Phil's Self Matters. It is quite a bit of work including journaling, but it does work.
Sounds like you are still angry. Sometimes it's good to get the anger out when you feel that way. Go out and throw something at a tree or punch an old pillow. Women tend to feel like they have to hold their feelings in. Anger is natural and okay, as long as you vent it out in the right way. It is better to hit a pillow or throw something then to let it build up inside of you. You should forgive, but that doesn't mean you always forget.
Also, when you get those feelings, try saying positive things about yourself. Think about changes in YOU that have happened since he left your life. Think about your road of spirituality you have been working on. In a way, forgive him BECAUSE that affair has put you on a more positive path in life.
I hope I helped...I know everyone has different ways of dealing with things, I thought I'd give some of the ways I have helped myself through rough times!
Blessings,
R-
Thanks for that virgogirl. I do have the Self Matters book, but must confess I have never actually read it. I have worked through the relationship rescue book and it did help me to understand a lot about myself and my relationships with others but as you say was hard work. I keep making excuses for not finding the time these kinds of books demand as I have less than 3 months left now to finish my degree but in reality I 'waste' a lot of the time that I do have. Anyway thanks for the tip, I will definitely check it out. As for whether or not Dr Phil is in it for the money I really don't care one way or the other. We all need to earn a living and if we can do that in a way we enjoy that help others and happen to make a fortune from it then who wouldn't do so, JMHO.
I'm studying psychology and if I can get half of the insight he does I'll consider myself blessed!!
Carol
Like I said before, those are what helped me through rough times, but what works for one may not work for another. The more information you have to pick and choose from, the better!
I am sure you will be a great psychologist because you are open-minded. I will keep you in my prayers about your situation!
Blessings,
R-
Here's another message board, Betrayed Spouses,
Hi, binkeebee and thanks for the advice but I've been there and done that with that board a couple of years ago. It is really great for those in the initial stages but then when you are ready to move on can bring you down if you're not careful. I had moved forward from that to the point where the affair didn't elicit those old emotions in me that it used to but had become an event in my life that I could think about without the emotional attachment it once had until this weekend gone. I am now back to my normal self but have been careful to avoid touching on other issues in the last day or two. What I want to do now is to focus on the issues I need to deal with.
Thanks for your input.
Carol
Hi Cara, yes I am still with my husband and I definitely now think that I have used this as a way of avoiding other issues. I held on to my hurt over the affair for over 3 years until one day I was journalling and I realised that my reason for holding onto it was simply so that I could use it as a leverage to get what I wanted from the marriage. Within a couple of days of that realisation I was able to let it go and truly rebuild start to the marriage. Since then our relationship has been a thousand times better. Up until that point I don't think I ever really believed that it was possible to make a marriage work after an affair, (even though my marriage wasn't working that well before it...lol) so now I try to use as many opportunities as I can to let others know that it is possible.
You are right about the old issues bringing out the same feelings of hurt and betrayal that the affair once did and now that I think about the way I felt last weekend much of the way I was feeling was around those issues and not the actual affair, I think I was just so used to pairing the two things together that it became my focus. I think it was also 'safe' to focus on that rather than the other issues because I know what the outcome of those feeling is whereas the other issues are still unchartered territory. My gut instinct now it telling me that I was testing myself out to see if I was capable of handling further emotional upheaval before I launched myself further into emotional uncertainty and I have realised that I am.
Carol