Dear Abby--is she still around?
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| Mon, 03-14-2005 - 3:48pm |
because maybe I should be writing to her instead of a message board...I'm new, just happened to be lurking...am having a lot of distress today...
My children have attended a small pariochial school for six years now...when they were younger, they loved the school...and we loved the teachers too...still do...but the school parents are a mixed bag. I have been completely blindsided by some of the cattiest behavior I have ever encountered, the serious backbiting, and the adults shamelessly vying for approval from the principal and priests...I've tried to look the other way for my kids' sake...but hiding my distaste has not been easy.
Lately, my husband and I find the quality of the education has slipped as well and we've decided not to return next year, to my great relief...and so, yesterday, I gave away the kids' old uniforms to another parent, who is in fact a minority ethnic group. I explained that we are leaving for a new school, one we found more to our liking...I didn't say anything negative about the present school since I don't know her well, but, our children have been classmates for many years.
She wished me luck, then told me of her sad experience at the school and how her daughter has become over the last two years, a handy target for a select group of popular kids who blame misdeeds on the ethnic child...these popular white kids are the children of high-level parishners, all are well-to-do, or at least, they maintain the illusion of being upper middle class. They are the highly visible parents, they are on the council, or in visible volunteer positions, etc.
I could relate this woman's tale of being on the outside looking in. Once, my daughter nearly drowned during a pool party at a very wealthy classmate's home. I was at work and I sent her with a girlfriend. These parents NEVER called me then or later to inquire as to my child's welfare or to apologize! When I mentioned to another parent at the school how very odd that was, she defended the wealthy folks, saying I should "give them the benefit of the doubt." Hmmm...would she be so generous if that child were hers that nearly drowned?
The ethnic parent told me one last disturbing bit of information...which is why I'm writing...I had noticed something odd about one of the girls' coaches lately and I asked if she thought he had a health problem...the mother, replied, didn't you know? The CYO coach has a serious drinking problem, and she has smelled alcohol on his breath, and that other parents know about it yet never mention it...instead they socialize with him and his wife and turn the other way if he's a bit wobbly, etc.
I've come away from this whole episode with a different view of my church...I've seen priests and principals look the other way or make excuses when "one of their own" breaks the rules. I'm having a hard time reconciling my faith with the corruption I've seen at this church. Are they all the same? Does being Catholic mean one has to shut up and pretend all is well? For years, I thought I imagined the things I saw...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry! This religion-questioning stuff is tough! I was raised Catholic, and after seeing similar things, I ended up questioning the entire faith as a result. Turns out, once I really started trying to figure out what I am, I'm no Catholic.
My sister, however, is, and seems to be in a similar predicament. She's sending her dd to Catholic school, but has real discomfort - her diocese had some pretty high ranking .. um..offenders.. shall we say, and some of the victims were actually her dh's relatives (this is years ago, they're adults now).
You can't HELP but question people who say they follow Christ's teachings, yet do bad things or are so self-serving. From my understanding of Christ, he wouldn't have thought that behavior to be good. I must ask why the other mother is allowing her poor dd to be subjected to this - are the public schools really that bad?
I'm glad you were able to find a more positive environment for your kids...is there another parish nearby, perhaps in a less wealthy neighborhood, where you may fit better without abandoning the faith (are you even deep enough a believer in Catholicism for this to be an issue? If not, you can do the scary thing and explore other faiths to see if one fits your values better...)
I'm sorry, I fear I was no help. But wanted to let you know you're not alone in your disillusionment, and hoping you can find a spiritual home (Catholic or otherwise) that will allow your family to grow & flourish.
The Roman Catholic church certainly has a credibility problem and a long history of looking the other way at injustice.
If you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to be! Those are your children and should not be treated like outcasts just because you don't fit into there social circle. It makes me angry that these supposed "Christians" would not only ostracize you and the other mother for being socially different but also children...that just makes me sick!
I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but maybe you can grow from it spiritually and find peace within yourself finding an alternative church( Catholic or otherwise) or religion that makes your whole family feel more fulfilled.
Good Luck and Take Care!
R-
Thanks to all of you for your kind words...I see now that I'm not alone. After I posted, I feared that someone would attack me, tell me I was crazy. For many years, I blamed myself for being ostracized at the school because I am direct and honest and I mistakenly expected that others would be as well...
But as Virgogirl says, if you make an offhand comment, this stuff travels like a brushfire spreading the way before you...until you have a "reputation". And then everything you say or do is suspect. So it has become for me. My children have never been in trouble there and the staff treats us very respectfully but the parents do not take me seriously even though I work with children in my profession. Since my dd's have announced our leaving, no one has said a word to us regarding the switch.
I must confess I had heard many loaded comments about the ethnic mother before yesterday--I had heard mothers say her dd "smelled" and that her little girl was "mean". I started asking my own dd is this true? My dd said no...only that she had heard similar comments from the other kids. I didn't tell this mother what I knew...I was torn between hurting her feelings and wanting to shout--leave this place, it's evil!
I hadn't considered that I might have a great adventure in terms of spirituality. Because I really believe in being spiritual but not in the organized religion sense. That part of it is over for me...My h is not Catholic so you can imagine he's come away from this very disillusioned as well. It took many years for me to make him believe what was happening to me at the school...he didn't really see it until he started volunteering and meeting people there. Finally, he has agreed to move our children to public schools. If there is a god, I thank him/her from the bottom of my heart.
all righty then, time to toss you right into the fire, lol!
Have you taken the belief-o-matic here?
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html
I know it sounds hokey to take an internet quiz, but at least in our case (dh was VERY against organized religion, I didn't know what I believed), we found a good fit, and have actually become members of the local congregation of the faith the belief o matic said was a good fit for us! Go figger! LOL
When I was growing up, we were raised Catholic, my mother suddenly without warning switched our church - it was still Roman Catholic, but it was in a poorer neighborhood. Apparently, my mother felt a little disappointed in the stuck upness of our first parish - we lived in a middle to upper class area and more often than not the eulogy was about bringing in more money and you'd see parents berating thier children in the parking lot for thier poor behavior in church following mass. My mother also questioned the amount of effort that was being put into reaching out to our community. I mean, there was the Catholic Charities building for those in need, but there were no grass roots groups affiliated with our church for community needs. I think maybe there simply was not a great need? It just wasn't pretty, so my mother switched us to a Catholic church in a nearby town in which there were less wealthy and more needy families.
It really turned out to be something great - we became very active in the church and in helping that smaller, poor comminity. My mother opened up our home and pool in summers to the needy kids so they could come and swim once a week at our house- I remember going food shopping for these kids and feeling great joy in knowing that we made a difference in thier lives. Also, another thing I noticed was that EVERYONE gave money to the poor box, not just the regular collection baskets. People who had little or no money would always put their change or single dollars into the poor box for the needy when they were exiting the church. You never heard the bottom of that poor box, only more sounds of money being added. In our old church, you always heard the clang of a coin hitting an empty bottom of the poor box because no one gave.
I think that you may have to look around and find a place that you can feel good in, a connection to the parish and the community, one with less competition and more love and charity. A parish with open arms. I think it's great that you are moving your children from that other school. I hope you find a right fit someplace else.
Robbyn