Hello its me again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Hello its me again...
7
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:16am

Hi everyone,

Sorry that you have to hear from me again!
So, here's the story, remember that I told you that I was angry at my SIL for acting distant towards us and ignoring us even though she came to this country and knew no one and expected us to pick her up at the airport, let her stay with us until she found a place, helped her look for a new place and job, and, gave her things for her new place. So, ok, that's what families do to help each other out and that is fine but she moved into the new place and only called us when she needed something or had to ask a question about something like transportation to the city, etc. Never called just to chat.

My dilemma now is that I am extremely angry at her. I am obsessed with these angry feelings and I cannot let go of them. They are really strong and it hurts. I spoke to my friend about this and she told me that I am not angry at SIL but maybe angry at something else and fueling the anger towards her. Perhaps it is true but I still am annoyed and angry at SIL. She came over last night and I told her that we have only seen her twice since she moved and that we saw more of her when she was not living here. She said I know and that was it. And now, her birthday is today and she wants us to go out to dinner to celebrate with her and her new man, she said she wants to have a lot of people around to go out to dinner. DH and I told her that we would join them later for a few drinks. I could see by her face that she didn't like that but what does she expect for us to jump up and be excited when she had ignored us and not spent any time with us!

I am ticked off because I feel that she used us and that she does not care for us especially her brother is living here and she doesn't always get to see him. DH doesn't like it either and doesn't understand why she is acting like this but says that she will realize it when she is gone. But I bet when it is time to go home, she will call us up and ask us to drive her to the airport! arghhhhh!

Thanks for listening. I wish I could stop thinking of this. I really worried that I can't - I think of it during the day, at night before going to bed and its exhausting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 9:43am
Many disturbances comes when one is in living and headed for LIFe. Thoughts will come so do not try to block out memories. Rather that the memories have no power over you. That is the same for all issues , deal with what you can as needed. Each of us have minds of our own. What you did in good faith will be returned to you, not necessarily from this person. Do not expect nothing and you will not be dissapointed. Read under spiritual number 13. You do not live as others want you to. Consider their thoughts but be led by your understanding and wisdom to go with the love in you precious one. from imperfect irakrause
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 9:19pm

I know it is so hard to try not to let something bother you when it is eating away at you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 6:47am

Thanks for your replies.

So, we went out to dinner and I told myself to be calm and collect. We met her and her new boyfriend outside the bar as she was smoking a cigarette. We hugged and said that we would go inside and order some drinks. She said we will be right in. From where I was sitting, I could see her talking to him and I saw her face and it looked really annoyed. She looked ticked off. Then instead of coming into the bar, they walked across the street to the store and then came into the bar! Strange, I guess she feels intimitated by us and couldn't walk into the bar with us!!

I was on my best behavior and refrained from any saracastic remarks because of course it was her birthday. I even asked the waitress to come and bring a piece of birthday cake and have the waitstaff sing for her. SIL automatically assumed that her boyfriend did it and when he said no she was asking who did it? I said to her I think you know deep down who did it. Anyhow, she didn't thank me for it but whatever.

I spoke to DH before we went to meet her and I had a little cry because I explained to him that this anger against her was really hurting me inside. He is so understanding and loves me so much! He never likes to see me sad and hurt. He was annoyed because when I said to SIL that we haven't seen her in awhile, she dismissed what I said and DH said that she could have addressed that but she didn't and she not caring about how we feel.

so, anyway, I do feel a bit better and I know that what I did to help her when she first came was from the heart and I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I am a caring, considerate, and helpful person. What I can take from this experience has to be a lesson that I need to learn. I'm not sure what the lesson is but perhaps it is to offer only small amounts of myself so as to not feel like people have taken pieces of me and chewed me up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 6:59am

You are handling it just right in my opinion.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 7:27am

It's always difficult when the people that annoy is the most are the ones we cannot graciously dismiss.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 11:38am

I am sending hugs to you all for your wonderful and very supportive advise.

I do feel the anger melting away (slowly!) and I am proud of myself because I know that I am a strong person who will learn from this experience.

I also have started thinking of her as a person who hasn't fully matured. She's only 25 years old and I believe that she still needs to learn alot. I am 32 years old and I rememeber at that age, I had a lot to learn about dealing with people and relationships.
She is a person who doesn't like people telling her what to do or giving her advice and I stopped doing that a few weeks ago. I stopped being forthcoming with information and also stopped really talking to her and sharing any information with her unless she asked.

It's very interesting how this situation made me look at myself and our families. My family is a family who argues and we fight and make up. Sometimes a little too much fighting but at least we address issues and hurts. My Dh's family don't fight or argue, they just let things be and when they are angry or hurt by a family member, they do not address it. For example, a few years ago, SIL borrowed DH's very expensive bicyle and forgot to lock it and it was stolen. But nothing was ever said, she never apologised to him, he never addressed it with her. He was angry but never said anything to her. And guess who was most angry? Yes, that's right, me!! I couldn't understand that if you do something that is your fault, then at least admit to it. In my family, we would be so sorry for letting that happen. So, anyway, I'm blabbing on here but I did have an "aha moment" realizing how different our families are.

So perhaps, it may be true that the anger I am feeling is brewing from a place inside that involves a lot of other issues both past and present. I am very glad that I am acknowleding my feelings and moving through them instead of pushing them down inside of me.

Thanks for listening again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:34pm

Wow, I can't believe nothing was ever said between DH and SIL about the bike incident.