* I Just Had A Beautiful Sign *

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
* I Just Had A Beautiful Sign *
19
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:54pm
Today I was outside starting on yard work.  Our fence is broken which will soon be repaired, but right now there are wood and sticks scattered all about.  I noticed 2 of the pieces very clearly in the shape of a cross.  It really jumped out at me and I thought to myself, boy, this feels like a sign.  Now, I know that is not too unusual a shape to see, but this was very Holy looking to me and I said, Ummmmmm, I wonder what that means.  Well, my son came home and said that the Pope has just died, but I don't know if that is true.  But I think it's sign that his time is near and a reminder for me to stop and reflect a bit and say some prayers.  I think his passing will be a big thing on the other side.  Even though I'm not Catholic anymore, I still have a very high regard for the Pope.

Cara


 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 10:40am

I still think that was a sign of the Pope. Can't believe he is gone. Can you imagine the party they are having up there while we are so sad down here? But that is the circle of life, right?

I'm feeling okay. Still quite weak. I was able to get outside on one of our two nice days we had this week and walk to the end of the block and back. It wore me out. I'm still fighting this virus and just wish I could figure out a way to get rid of it. I was doing so good with keeping my positive attitude, but I let my sister spoil that the other day and I've been really down since then. And had another dream that bothered me quite a bit too. So I'm struggling with something I should or shouldn't do. My heart tells me to do it. I guess I should listen to my heart after my scare, huh! LOL Just want that positive attitude to come back. I'm sure it will. Maybe when my strength starts to return.

Thanks for asking! Much appreciated!

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
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Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 1:32pm
Chris, tell me your dream, maybe we can figure out a message that will help you handle it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 5:35pm

Care - Warning, this will probably be lengthy!

Yes, I can talk about it. My sister just thinks sometimes the world must revolve around her. She has yet to even call me since I even went into the hospital. She normally doesn't do that. She finally called me yesterday to talk about a soap opera. I said something about still being weak and she said there wasn't a thing wrong with me, I was just wanting the attention. Excuse me, but I think the bruise on my leg from half way down my thigh up to my belly button says that I wasn't wanting that kind of attention and I wouldn't have that had nothing been wrong. I just couldn't believe she said that. It hurt me so incredibly bad. We aren't the closest, but have always been able to be open with one another. I just can't believe she did that. I cried for over an hour. She has just become so selfish since my parents both became ill and all she cares about is what they are doing with their money now and how much she won't get. It's just so sad. I want to enjoy them while they are still here. Okay, that was just venting. But I can't believe she thought nothing was wrong with me. It really hurts.

Now for my dream. It is a very long story, but I'll give you a short version. It was about my ex, who I really did love with all my heart. It was just the wrong time. I met someone else and got engaged and married (he was a jerk and we divorced long ago). This guy was also my best friend. We were incredibly close. He is now married and has two kids and seems happy. But, right before I got married, my ex-husband told this guy and my best girl friend at the time that they needed to leave me alone and never come around or call or he would kill them. Neither one of them told me this until a couple of years ago when my girl friend and I put our differences aside and are now as close as before. She is still very good friends with this guy too. Okay - so that was real life. My dream the other night was about him (by the way, his name is Scott). I walked up behind him and realized it was him and put my hand on his face and could feel all his features I remember. His neck and his shoulders. Then he gave me a hug and a kiss and said he missed me so very much and was glad I was still around. It was just so eery and real. I've been having trouble dealing with the way things ended with him. I had even written a letter to go to him when I die, explaining what happened and how I really felt. But now that I went thru this experience with my health, I feel like I need to get this off my chest now so that I can heal from the past and go on. I just don't know if I should. I don't know if I should ask or tell my girl friend (Tammy) either, but I know if I talk to him, he will tell her. I'm just so torn. I just need him to know how I felt then. I know he has had trouble dealing with it all these years too. But I don't want to ruin my re-kindled relationship with Tammy either. I hope this all makes sense. If it doesn't, let me know. What do you think?

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
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Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 6:23pm

What a rotten thing for your sister to say to you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 8:21pm

Would you like another reading to help with this?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 8:52pm

Thanks so much for the reading, Cara. As usual, you came through! That makes ALOT of sense!

Yes, my husband is well aware of the entire situation with Scott and what I'm fighting right now. He keeps pushing me to talk to him or something so that I can put this behind me instead of holding it in and festering. Granted he admitted that he does have some insecurities about it as he knows how strong my relationship was with Scott, but he also knows I married him and love him with all my heart. Now, Scott's wife is an entirely different story. She obcesses about me. After almost 20 years, she still thinks he sneaks around to see me. She's just an odd bird (LOL)! Yes, I do still have feelings for Scott, but who doesn't feel for their first love! But not like I did. I just care about him and that he is okay. I just want him happy. I have just held this in for so long and I am trying so desperately to let go of it. I just feel like the only way I can is to set things right with him. And like I said, after my health scare, I just want to let it all out. I want to let go and go on. I was so afraid when I almost passed that he would never know what truely happened and how I truely felt. No, that's not the only thing I thought of at that time. That hit me a couple of days later. We just have some unresolved issues. I had some with other people also and since my health has gotten worse I've went to these people to resolve them. It took a tremendous weight off. This is my only issue left. The only reason I think it will upset Tammy is because her and Scott developed such a close friendship after the ordeal and she's pretty protective of him. I'm afraid she'd think it might upset or hurt him. Nothing ever happened any other way between them, but that's how we all were before. We just protected each other. He may even just turn me away or throw away any letter without reading it. But I'd know in my heart that I said what I had too. I don't want to hurt him or start anything up, I just want to let go. It's just been weighing me down.

I just feel like I need to do what I can do go on with my life with no regrets. I don't want to leave this world not doing what I wanted to do.

Again, thanks for the reading. Maybe it is just me, but I read into that I should do this. Did you?

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 9:32pm

It sounds like you may have hurt Scott and are feeling very badly about it.

 

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Registered: 03-09-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:39am

What you said makes sense. And I don't want to make the situation worse. Tammy knows everything!!! After her and I finally got everything out in the open, we both felt so much better knowing it was all a lie concocted by my ex-husband, yet she beat herself up for believing him. We lost 15 years of our friendship because she believed him. He told them other things besides threatening them and Tammy said he just made it sound like something I would say to the tee. I can understand Scott's wife's insecurities to an extent. I mean, he only hooked up with her because I hurt him so badly and she got pregnant. But, heck, it's been almost 20 years. She needs to get over that and know that there is no way we would ever be together again. I accepted that a very long time ago. I wish I could put myself in there shoes. Just don't know. I know there was one guy that hurt me pretty badly a very very long time ago. A couple of years after I got married I got a phone call from him apologizing for everything he did and how stupid he was. He said it had just ate at him for so many years and he just had to get it out. It made me feel so much better. Granted I hadn't been holding onto that like I am with this with Scott, but just the thought that he took the time to do that and I knew I wasn't at fault. -------Obviously, I beat myself up alot over the past, huh?------- But I'm working on that with my therapist. Maybe it is just my own guilt feelings. I just don't know. I just don't want him or I going to our graves not knowing or telling the real truth. I've thought about talking to Tammy about it and seeing if she knows if Scott truely knows the truth now. That's something her and I haven't discussed. Maybe if I know he does then I can let this go.

Your description of your past experience sounds just like me. I did something similar right after my divorce. It was kind of a revenge thing on my part. But how stupid and immature was I. Like you said, young and inexperienced! And I did learn from that. I would never ever do that again, nor would I put up with anybody doing it to me again.

I just don't understand why I can't let all this go.

Thanks for all your help and thank you so much for letting me spill my guts to you. Just telling someone helps. Getting a different perspective is always helpful!

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 10:28pm

I hope whatever you decide to do works out for you all.

 

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