DS's friend died at 27
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| Wed, 04-20-2005 - 10:46pm |
Here's what we know for sure... DS's life long friend Karl, died in Boston "of natural causes" on Friday, April 15, 2005. That's it.
The family has chosen a private graveside service, no visitation, no memorial. It's like a huge cover-up.
Now here's what I/we know from knowing Karl for the last couple decades... Born into huge wealth, Karl was a blond, handsome, dimpled young man with personality oozing from every pore. He had a BMW from the day he could drive, lived in a mansion on the water, with fountains and hired help. The kids would be in my basement playing Dungeons and Dragons, and Karl would come upstairs with that sweet face, and say, "New hair style, Mrs. C? Nice! Can I help you with anything, Mrs. C? Thank you for having us over, Mrs. C..." It sort of reminded me of Eddie on the Leave it to Beaver show, but Karl was way better looking! We, the parents, jokingly called him Richie Rich.
And Karl had a drinking problem that all his friends covered for from high school through college, and then they all went their separate ways. His wife, a H.S. sweetheart and friend of all of the gang, divorced him a year ago. So Karl died, alone, last Friday, of natural causes...
You all have a pretty good picture of Karl right now, because I know how astute this board is. The "gang" is suffering a lot over Karl's death and the family's refusal to include any of them, including the ex-wife in the mourning process. I don't know his parents well (We didn't travel in the same circles!), but it seems that they are embarrassed by the whole thing. We, of course, suspect that Karl committed suicide. I understand the pain of alcoholism, and coupled with the social pressure from his family, it must have been unbearable. Karl will have to deal with his issues on his new plane. What gets my blood pressure up through all this is the arrogance of the parents...
I have tried and tried, but I can't understand how a parent could turn off/reject a child and accept no responsibility for having a part in the development of that child's emotional state. How can a parent be embarrassed by the death of their child and shun the comfort of the very people who also loved him? Why is it so difficult for them to celebrate his life? I cannot fathom the pain of losing a child, but if I ever did, I would need a circle of arms to hold me up and help me go on with my life.
Any and all insights welcome to bring me a level of peace with this loss...
Barbara

I can't even begin to imagine. Honestly what keeps going through my head right now is 'how horribly cruel to cut his friends out like that!' I agree that it doesn't sound even remotely natural. Are death certificates considered public info too? Like birth certificates and marriage licenses? It wouldn't solve the problem with the parents, but at least his friends might be able to find some peace and resolution.
Have the friends thought of having their own memorial?
A separate memorial is a fabulous idea - the people who knew and loved Karl for who he really was can lean on each other as they remember, talk about him, laugh, cry... honestly, that's a better idea than attending a stuffy family memorial where there are undercurrents of other issues.... it sounds like that is what he'd want, too.
Honey, I'm so sorry to hear of this tragedy. I do hope he'll find the peace that has been eluding him for all these years, and that the thought of his finally being at peace will bring solace to those he left behind.
I don't know what to say, Barbara. I'm so sorry.
Hi Barbara, I've not been around much lately, just skimming the board as I am so busy but wanted to reply to this one. I can understand how you feel as a similar thing happened in my life about 2 years ago now though I didn't know the lad as well as you obviously did your son's friend. He was a friend of my daughter's and was 21 years old at the time and I can still picture him standing in my kitchen chatting to her, what seems like only yesterday. He was in the army but if you saw him he was really only a kid. Anyway he hung himself just before he was about to be sent out to Iraq because he couldn't face going out there. I don't know the reason(s) he felt the way he did as similarly his parents shut everyone out. In fact his father only told people it had been suicide because there was another incident at a different barracks where a soldier shot and killed two officers before killing himself that exact same day so some people put 2 and 2 together and all sorts of rumours were flying about.
I don't know if it is because of the fact that it is suicide that parents shut others out or just the way some people react to the death of a child. I, and I think everyone else can imagine nothing worse than losing a child and I am sure his parents are still in the shock stage where they can't quite believe it and that can be a strange place to be and it may be making them act in what might seem like strange ways. It's that time when you are perfectly calm and collected on the outside and inside you don't know why your behaving as you are and you want to cry and scream but you can't because your not ready for that yet. It may well be that it is not until the full force of the tragedy hits them that they want to start sharing and celebrating his life or they may continue to shut it out (perhaps even within themselves). Of course it is totally frustrating for everyone else while this is going on but maybe the "gang" whilst not being allowed to attend the official funeral could get together either at the same time or a different time and say their own personal goodbye together in some way and celebrate the friend they knew. That is what my daughter and some of his friends did and I know it made them feel that they had in some way said their goodbyes.
I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Blessings
Carol (((Hugs)))
Thanks for your responses.
Oh Barbara, it is so tragic when a young person dies and it is very sad that the parents are shutting everyone out.
That was a wonderful insight.
Oh yes, please do.