Afraid to live

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Afraid to live
16
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 12:48pm

Hi All,

I've read some things lately about being in control of one's own life.

When I was younger, I remember thanking God for something, and then having it taken away. From that point on, I never thanked God for anything, for fear that it would be taken from me. I also never appreciated anything too much for the same reason. But I'm trying to change. Today, just sitting here, I said, "I love my life" and smiled. At that moment, I got a twinge of anxiety in my stomach because I STILL have that fear that if I appreciate something it will be taken away. I'm tired of living in fear!

How do I change? How do I get rid of that inner voice that refuses to let me enjoy life?

Thanks all,

Tracy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
In reply to: newisumom
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 1:07pm

Isn't that the hardest thing for us to do is "let it be"?

 

 

152.6&n

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
In reply to: newisumom
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 3:48pm
I think this is a beautiful way to look at it! :) Trust and faith. Things happen in life, as you said, but enjoying the joyful moments when they DO happen is part of living a spiritual life, I think. At least, living a spiritual life, helps one appreciate even fleeting happiness, too. In a way, I look at it as God giving me the happy moments to nurture me for the tough times, when I need to hang on and trust in Him. :) Anna
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: newisumom
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 5:11pm

Tracy, I can totally understand why you

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
In reply to: newisumom
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 7:51pm

Hi all,

I'd like to reply to all of you who responded, but I don't know how!

To theladycee, thank you. I'm glad someone out there understands how it feels! :) I don't know why it's so hard to enjoy good things in your life without feeling that you will somehow have to "pay" for enjoying them. That's what I've always felt. It feels wrong to enjoy something! I kind of like the idea of being in complete control of my destiny and my life. It makes me feel that I can control (at least to some extent) the negative things in my life. Well, maybe not the negatives, but how I react to them, thereby controlling how long them stay in my life. I believe that, and it brings me comfort. I try very hard to enjoy the good things in my life (like walking your dog or seeing your child smile at you) because I believe it pulls more of the same into your life. But there is that old, negative, inner voice that says, "Appreciate it, and it will go away." It's irrational really, but a belief that's hard to dismantle. I like your idea of smaller steps. I think you're right, if I keep consciously changing the way I behave, maybe it will change the way I think. Thank you. :)

To Anna. I struggle with tough times too, but at least I understand why they're difficult. I can see the tough times as reminders that something in my life needs to change. One of my favorite Chinese proverbs says, "Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man (or woman) or a nation." I can focus during bad times. I know what I want or where I want to be and how to get there. It's the good times I have a problem with! Everytime things are going really well, I start to worry. I start to sabotage things because I wonder why such goodness is happening to me. I wonder how I'm going to have to "pay" for it later. But I do think you're absolutely right that trust and faith are a very important part of working through this. I think it's a matter of trusting and having faith that if the things I love and appreciate are taking from me, I will survive it and find happiness anyway.

To cara_ivy. I really liked your response! I do tend to get caught up in the details of life instead of looking at the big picture. I try to keep reminding myself that "All is well" and to trust that God and the Universe will deliver to me what I need to be happy. Actually, that loss that I suffered years ago (and yes, it was something significant) has started me on a journey into discovering a lot about myself. Had I known a few years ago that my painful divorce would lead me to my wonderful husband and the father of my beautiful child, I would have laughed through the whole thing! So I try to think of that, that everything will be okay, despite what may be in front of me at the moment. I do try to appreciate those small things, like the fact that my breakfast turned out really good, or that I made it to the store and back without getting caught in the rain. Maybe if I keep doing that, I'll be able to appreciate things like my wonderful family without worrying about it being taken away.

Thanks so much to you all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: newisumom
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 8:15pm

Tracy,


Welcome to the board!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
In reply to: newisumom
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 7:16am

Hi!

I know that fear you are talking about. I worked extremely hard to buy a house 5 years back and did everything I needed to do to keep up with it. Then, my husband got laid off from his job and couldn't find another for a month and 1/2 afterwards. I called my mortgage company and we set up a payment plan because I was a month behind over this.
During this time, the mortgage co merged and I had to go through a new one who didn't accept my financial arrangements. I was put on default because they wouldn't accept anything less than the full 2 months and a lawyer's fee (it's complicated, I won't get too far into it)
Needless to say, it became a complete burden and caused a domino effect. I lost the house and it was a very low point in my life. Over 2 years after, I got a letter of a class action law suit and found that this company was purposely doing this to foreclose on homes, take them over, and sell for profit. I got the foreclosure off mycredit and some money for damages I suffered.
I hated my life at that time, but I can say that I learned alot from that experience. I really believe in, "Let go, Let God". It seems everytime something I can't physically fix happens, I trust that when I really need it, God will give it to me. I may not win the Lottery, but the extra money I need comes somehow. I may have lost what I thought was a great friend, only to find a true friend, etc...
Just food for thought!
Love,
R-

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
In reply to: newisumom
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 12:01pm

Thanks so much for welcoming me!

Barbara, that really hit close to home! Oh, do I feel unworthy sometimes. Fear of success is something I've been dealing with for a long, long time. I put off college forever, and then finally went and thought "This will force me to start my career." Never happened. Now I'm in the process of figuring out *what* exactly I want to do with my life. When you're 18, that's just great. But when you're 38, it's not. Most 38 year olds are well into their careers and looking down the road at retirement. I've not even started!

Can I ask you what you meant by "gentle sexual abuse"? As strange as this may sound, I've often wondered if I was sexually abused as a child. A lot of my behavior as a child seems similar to what I've heard described as behavior of an abuse survivor, but I don't remember ever being abused. I struggle with what happened in my life to make me so fearful.

Virgogirl, "let go and let God" is the way I try to see things too. In fact, for a long time I had that hanging on my bedroom door so I would see it every morning. I have a habit of trying to tackle problems head on, when I know the best way to handle them is to let go of them (release all that stress and worry) and just ask God for help. And then let it go. Maybe I need to handle this problem the same way. Instead of thanking God for the good things in my life, ask God to help me to feel, appreciate and enjoy them! Isn't it funny how we can look back at our problems and they seemed so big and consuming at the time, but if we knew then what we know now, they wouldn't have worried us nearly as much?

Thank you both so much for giving me things to think about today. I really love this message board!

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: newisumom
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:32pm

By "gentle sexual abuse" I meant that I was never physically injured, but was always treated with gentleness as a child being touched sexually...


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
In reply to: newisumom
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:19pm
Thank you Bink for sharing that with me. Maybe you're right, I should see a counselor. I can vividly remember an incident, but never knew whether or not it should be considered sexual abuse. I was around 4 and it was another little girl who was about 6. She was extremely aggressive, and I felt trapped because it was a sleepover and it was very late and I knew my parents were asleep and couldn't come get me or open the door to let me in the house. I was right next door and remember looking out the window at my house, wishing I could go home. I remember it clearly, but don't know if it's actually sexual abuse since the other little girl was so young. But that began my enormous curiosity about sex, at a very young age and in some extremely inappropriate ways. If it was abuse (?) could that one incident really have an impact on my life for the rest of my life? Does that sound like sexual abuse?
Avatar for dustbunny48
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: newisumom
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:03pm

It almost sounds as if the 6 year old was an active victim and was only acting out what had been done to her.

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