Afraid to live
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Afraid to live
| Mon, 05-02-2005 - 12:48pm |
Hi All,
I've read some things lately about being in control of one's own life.
When I was younger, I remember thanking God for something, and then having it taken away. From that point on, I never thanked God for anything, for fear that it would be taken from me. I also never appreciated anything too much for the same reason. But I'm trying to change. Today, just sitting here, I said, "I love my life" and smiled. At that moment, I got a twinge of anxiety in my stomach because I STILL have that fear that if I appreciate something it will be taken away. I'm tired of living in fear!
How do I change? How do I get rid of that inner voice that refuses to let me enjoy life?
Thanks all,
Tracy

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Isn't that the hardest thing for us to do is "let it be"?
152.6&n
Tracy, I can totally understand why you
Hi all,
I'd like to reply to all of you who responded, but I don't know how!
To theladycee, thank you. I'm glad someone out there understands how it feels! :) I don't know why it's so hard to enjoy good things in your life without feeling that you will somehow have to "pay" for enjoying them. That's what I've always felt. It feels wrong to enjoy something! I kind of like the idea of being in complete control of my destiny and my life. It makes me feel that I can control (at least to some extent) the negative things in my life. Well, maybe not the negatives, but how I react to them, thereby controlling how long them stay in my life. I believe that, and it brings me comfort. I try very hard to enjoy the good things in my life (like walking your dog or seeing your child smile at you) because I believe it pulls more of the same into your life. But there is that old, negative, inner voice that says, "Appreciate it, and it will go away." It's irrational really, but a belief that's hard to dismantle. I like your idea of smaller steps. I think you're right, if I keep consciously changing the way I behave, maybe it will change the way I think. Thank you. :)
To Anna. I struggle with tough times too, but at least I understand why they're difficult. I can see the tough times as reminders that something in my life needs to change. One of my favorite Chinese proverbs says, "Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man (or woman) or a nation." I can focus during bad times. I know what I want or where I want to be and how to get there. It's the good times I have a problem with! Everytime things are going really well, I start to worry. I start to sabotage things because I wonder why such goodness is happening to me. I wonder how I'm going to have to "pay" for it later. But I do think you're absolutely right that trust and faith are a very important part of working through this. I think it's a matter of trusting and having faith that if the things I love and appreciate are taking from me, I will survive it and find happiness anyway.
To cara_ivy. I really liked your response! I do tend to get caught up in the details of life instead of looking at the big picture. I try to keep reminding myself that "All is well" and to trust that God and the Universe will deliver to me what I need to be happy. Actually, that loss that I suffered years ago (and yes, it was something significant) has started me on a journey into discovering a lot about myself. Had I known a few years ago that my painful divorce would lead me to my wonderful husband and the father of my beautiful child, I would have laughed through the whole thing! So I try to think of that, that everything will be okay, despite what may be in front of me at the moment. I do try to appreciate those small things, like the fact that my breakfast turned out really good, or that I made it to the store and back without getting caught in the rain. Maybe if I keep doing that, I'll be able to appreciate things like my wonderful family without worrying about it being taken away.
Thanks so much to you all!
Tracy,
Welcome to the board!
Hi!
I know that fear you are talking about. I worked extremely hard to buy a house 5 years back and did everything I needed to do to keep up with it. Then, my husband got laid off from his job and couldn't find another for a month and 1/2 afterwards. I called my mortgage company and we set up a payment plan because I was a month behind over this.
During this time, the mortgage co merged and I had to go through a new one who didn't accept my financial arrangements. I was put on default because they wouldn't accept anything less than the full 2 months and a lawyer's fee (it's complicated, I won't get too far into it)
Needless to say, it became a complete burden and caused a domino effect. I lost the house and it was a very low point in my life. Over 2 years after, I got a letter of a class action law suit and found that this company was purposely doing this to foreclose on homes, take them over, and sell for profit. I got the foreclosure off mycredit and some money for damages I suffered.
I hated my life at that time, but I can say that I learned alot from that experience. I really believe in, "Let go, Let God". It seems everytime something I can't physically fix happens, I trust that when I really need it, God will give it to me. I may not win the Lottery, but the extra money I need comes somehow. I may have lost what I thought was a great friend, only to find a true friend, etc...
Just food for thought!
Love,
R-
Thanks so much for welcoming me!
Barbara, that really hit close to home! Oh, do I feel unworthy sometimes. Fear of success is something I've been dealing with for a long, long time. I put off college forever, and then finally went and thought "This will force me to start my career." Never happened. Now I'm in the process of figuring out *what* exactly I want to do with my life. When you're 18, that's just great. But when you're 38, it's not. Most 38 year olds are well into their careers and looking down the road at retirement. I've not even started!
Can I ask you what you meant by "gentle sexual abuse"? As strange as this may sound, I've often wondered if I was sexually abused as a child. A lot of my behavior as a child seems similar to what I've heard described as behavior of an abuse survivor, but I don't remember ever being abused. I struggle with what happened in my life to make me so fearful.
Virgogirl, "let go and let God" is the way I try to see things too. In fact, for a long time I had that hanging on my bedroom door so I would see it every morning. I have a habit of trying to tackle problems head on, when I know the best way to handle them is to let go of them (release all that stress and worry) and just ask God for help. And then let it go. Maybe I need to handle this problem the same way. Instead of thanking God for the good things in my life, ask God to help me to feel, appreciate and enjoy them! Isn't it funny how we can look back at our problems and they seemed so big and consuming at the time, but if we knew then what we know now, they wouldn't have worried us nearly as much?
Thank you both so much for giving me things to think about today. I really love this message board!
Tracy
By "gentle sexual abuse" I meant that I was never physically injured, but was always treated with gentleness as a child being touched sexually...
It almost sounds as if the 6 year old was an active victim and was only acting out what had been done to her.
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