Opening the Past Was A Mistake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Opening the Past Was A Mistake
7
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 3:29pm

I recently went on a quest to find the man whom my mother said was my father. My mother did not tell him that she was having his child because of a dispute with his family. Once I found the man, I explained to him that my mother said that he might be my father and I wanted a paternity test done. He said that there was no need because as far as he was concerned, he was my father.

Here comes the problem. He has a wife and step children. As far as he knows, I am the only child that he has. His wife tends to disagree. She said that he was sterile and that there was no way he can be my father. When I met the man finally, I found that I have none of his qualities (I looked at him and his old pictures). My cousin (who was my mom's best friend) says that there was another man that could be my father. Right now, I have no contact whatsoever with my mother and if she found out that I had approached this man after twenty some odd years, she would be very very angry.

This man is ill (mentally and physically). His wife doesn't want him to have any contact with me until the test is done, which I understand. He, however, has said that if they don't accept me (her and her family), then he is leaving. I don't want him to up and leave his family under any circumstances. I explained to him that he may or may not be the father and I wanted to contact the other gentleman who may be or may not be. I also told him (because he lives a long distance) that he doesn't need to call me everyday all day because I don't want to get his hopes high. Finally, he said that he understood (in a disappointed way). Yet, he called again and left a voice message telling me that he will be waiting on my phone call.

My real reason for doing this was to find my father and let him know that I existed (he did not know because she told him, in effort to get him to leave her alone, that I was not his child). I did not want him to call anymore because I didn't want to lead him to believe that I was actually his child and for the sake of his elderly wife (and her children). Not to mention, I think that his contact with me was more of getting in contact with my mother because he still loves her and wants her back.

I have no regrets about finding out who my father was (or who she says he was). My only regret was the way I handled it. I don't want to hurt his feelings (although he told me that he would be devestated if I wasn't his child).

How do I close this pandora's box? I am sorry that I caused such trouble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 4:24pm

Oh goodness. That IS quite a pickle, isn't it? I'm afraid I don't have any advice other than to keep positive feelings in your heart and visualize a positive outcome. Pray for guidance and trust that it will turn out well.

(((Hugs!!)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 4:50pm
Wow, that's a tough situation.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 5:09pm
Oh, my, I wish I had some good advice or wisdom to offer you. I think you've come this far and need to take it to conclusion since it is so very important to you. Take it slow. I'll keep you in my prayers for a good outcome to this journey of yours. Anna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:48pm
There are no mistakes, everything happens the way it is supposed to.
Congratulations for taking this courageous step to find your dad.
Even if you do not really like your dad in the long run, so
what, you will know who fathered you. what mom or anyone else thinks
doesn't matter. The man devastated, he hadn't heard from you for how many years,
and now devastation?????????? That is his problem, don't you worry about it.
You have a big question in life and you are almost at the door of discovery.
Plus when you do find out remember you owe no one anything. Just love
and be kind. Keep it simple. Love, Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:39pm

Awww, hun, you don't close Pandora's box.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:37pm

Hi, Sunshine!


Wow!

 

 

152.6&n

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 12:54am
No matter the outcome I pray that you do not be burdened.As you are life longing to be lived. and that parents brought forth a form for you to enter. And being born in a certain country and area serves a purpose for your living to gain LIFE . and the past that you would not do over again is no longer you.(although records or others may hold it against you, it is still no longer you) Each day outworking please maintain a burning heart desire to be what the creator wants you to be as your free choice remains) Saying aprayer for you now.