Embracing the past .. *m

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Embracing the past .. *m
3
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 12:53am

I'm guilty of living in the past.  Some days, it's just that.  Other days, I'm obsessed with "what I could've done differently.   It's, of course, who I am now!


When the "I could've's" or "I should've's" weight you down, how do you ride it out??

CeeCee Puppy


 

 

 

152.6&n

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 8:40am
I did that quite often when I was younger. My husband and I have been together since I was 16 and married at 21 and right off the bat had kids. There were times when I wondered if I should have dated more or could have waited to get married. Normally, it was during tough times in our relationship. One time we almost divorced.
I started writing my feelings at that time and doing the pros and cons of things, etc...I wrote down what I loved about my husband and what I disliked, and realized that if I left him, I would try to find someone just like him anyway. He has his faults, but, in the end, he is a hardworking family man who would do anything to see the kids and I get what we want. Plus, if I was never with him, I would never have had my two wondeerful children.
What I try to do is remember the good times. If I feel I missed out on something, my husband and I talk it over and try to come to an agreement to let the other try what we feel we missed. Of course, some are things we would never try, too, but we will talk and laugh about what we think would happen if we did! Sometimes the endings of our scenarios are terrible and sometimes they are good. If it turns out to be a good ending, we then try to change that "missing" aspect of our life into a goal and try to strive for it for our future!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 2:25am

Shoulda, coulda, woulda...I'm definitely guilty of beating myself up time and time again...doesn't matter how old I am, I just seem to fall into this pattern of wishing I had done this or that differently, especially when I'm on the losing end of things...but, every so often, I win and boy, it's really sweet...so, I try to remind myself that I get a few things right on occasion :)...

What I tell my kids is that if they can learn to laugh at themselves early in life, it will serve them well the rest of their lives...a sense of humor is a wonderful gift in my opinion. My children have taught me a whole lot about not taking yourself too seriously.

I've beat myself up pretty bad lately over my previous clashes with the some of the more uptight moms at my kids' parochial school...they just look right through me now and don't think twice about excluding my kids too...and I've found few kindred spirits there, though not for lack of trying...well, I've given up trying to get it right with these folks, maybe because I never saw the point of conformity at all costs or went along with the idiotic nonsense that passes for social decorum there. I prefer direct communication myself.

My kids say I laugh at everything...this is of course an exaggeration...but I guess there are worse traits than laughing too much...I suppose it's my best defense mechanism...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 7:42am

I find that most of my 'I should've or I could've' are in the immediate aftermath of an event/situation that I feel I didn't handle well. When a bit of time has passed and I am able to put a bit of time between myself and things and have taken a step back then I am usually able to see how and why I reacted as I did. Over time I have found that this usually means that when faced with the same or similar situations/events I do react more in tune with how I feel I should have or could have originally.

There have also been times when I actually wanted to do things differently but I allowed my own fears to stop me and these for me are the most difficult to accept because I know that the only thing that really stood in my way was me. I think that in all of the cases I can think of the one deciding factor in these cases has been my weight and how I have allowed the fear of what others thought of me because of my being overweight to hold me back. The majority of the time I don't allow this to interfere with me living my life the way I want but there have been some crucial decisions made on this basis that I would have liked to have done differently.

Carol