As Father's Day approaches, .. *m

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
As Father's Day approaches, .. *m
21
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 12:41pm

Tell us how you father played a roll in your life.  Was he funny?  Was he "hands on"?  Was he gruff, but lovable?  Is he living?  How did he play a roll in your spiritual life?


 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 4:11pm

My father was a very hands off parent.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 11:00pm
My father is a very hard working man. He definitely taught me responsibility! He was also very funny when he wanted to be. He was not very affectionate in a hug and kiss kind of way and he could be pretty critical at times, but, even though we didn't have much money growing up, he always found way to take us on vacations. The main way we went was camping. We would go crabbing in Virginia, rafting on the Delaware River, and exploring caves in Pennsylvania. We had a second hand pop-up trailer and barely enough food to make it the whole vacation, but we had a blast! He also gave me a love of football and music. We would spend hours going through his old 45's. He has everything from Sam Cooke, Buddy Holly, The Drifters, Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Queen and Van Halen. He taught me to love every aspect of music. His favorite, though, is Doo Wop.
He is definitely a man's man. He may not have been the type to give much affection and could be tough on me (which I resented sometimes, believe me!), but he showed his love in other ways that I realize now that I am older and wiser. He may not have been perfect, but he's my daddy and I love him to death!
R-
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 12:21am

My dad died when I was three months pregnant with my first child, 12 years ago...he slipped quietly away in his sleep...and spared himself an extensive round of dreaded chemotherapy...

My dad was a unique individual...he was versatile--great sense of humor, given to periods of quiet yet he could be outgoing and charming when he put his mind to it, shrewd (he had no high school education) and very hard working. He staunchly honored his commitments. He was the strong, silent type...but he had a volatile temper...took a lot to make him mad but look out when he did...he was not affectionate when I was growing up...but later, as he grew older, he softened up a bit...maybe because my sisters gave him grandchildren.

As I raise my own kids now, sometimes his phrases and pearls of wisdom echo in the back of my head...and I can still hear the sound of his voice saying "silence is golden" as he cautioned me to keep my own counsel at work or "the more you give, the longer you live" when I wouldn't share with my sister and I'm sure many have heard their parents say this one: "if they all jumped in the lake, would you??" when I wanted to follow the crowd...

He was a wonderful storyteller too...he knew how to pace himself or embellish a story for dramatic effect...he was a teen during the depression and he made that period of history sound exciting and scary...

I suppose I would have liked him to live longer so he could see my kids...I would have liked more attention/affection from him when I was growing up...but he was raised in an orphanage so I really can't complain...he did the best he could.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 11:56am

I've already posted this, and maybe it will appear later...


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 12:13pm

I never felt close to my father as a child. I was his 3rd, but my sisters were from his first marriage and it had been a very bitter divorce. As a child I resented the fact that they weren't part of my life. I learned as an adult that he'd had to make the painful decision to let them go.

He was not an affectionate man. Other people always commented on how funny he was, but I saw him as tough and critical. I realize now that he was just doing the best he could with what he had. That he was a product of how he was raised just like anyone else. My grandfather was military and my grandmother was very domineering and hard to be around. Add that to Dad being in law enforcement and I wonder how he didn't go insane. He retired when I was 18 and just leaving for college. The change in him was immediate and dramatic. He'd been under a tremendous amount of stress at work for so many years. He's mellowed so much since then and it's allowed us to become much closer. Even more important to me, he's very close to my children. My sons are the boys he never had, and they have the relationship with my parents that I always craved with my own grandparents. (OK, I admit I'm crying now.)

As for my spirituality... it really wasn't something that was discussed when I was little. But when I was about 9 and started asking to go to church because all my friends did, Dad found an Episcopal parish for us to join because that the church he'd grown up in. A few years later he joined the Masons (he'd been in DeMolay as a kid and his own Dad was a Past Master) and has since climbed all the way to the top. When I started exploring Paganism I assumed my Dad would be the least understanding. LOL As it turns out, he's probably one of the MOST understanding of my beliefs. He was the one who handed me The DaVinci Code saying "You need to read this." We've shared quite a few books along the same vein since then and it's opened up a whole new world between us, Mom included.

In the past few years I've really started to see my Dad growing older and it's difficult for me to watch. As strained as our relationship has always been, I've always seen him as a pillar of strength and now I'm having to watch him decline. He's having to ask for help with things now that he never did before. Mom has commented numerous times that she sees it too and that he's very aware of it. The bright side of that though, is that he's living more. He's reaching out to loved ones and opening up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 3:55pm
OMG, Bink...I nearly started crying at my desk..what a wonderful man your father was...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 4:40pm

Thank you so much.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 5:56pm
I agree with you, Bink. I think most men are brought up to not show emotions the way we all wish they would. They were meant to be the breadwinners and the disciplinarians. As I've gotten older, I realize how much I never knew about my dad because the main time he would communicate to us was when we did something wrong. He was always working and never talked much about himself. I now think back on the times he did, but when I was younger, I always focused on the bad things. I remember so many times when we would do something wrong, and my mother wouldn't have the heart to punish us. We would always hear, "Wait until your dad gets home!". We would sit for hours scared out of our wits because it always depended on how stressful my dads' day was how severe our punishment would be! I think in later years, men have more of a parenting role than they used to and it is starting to break that chain of dads being the one to "fear". This, I think makes them more affectionate because they don't have that stigma and can come and enjoy their kids instead of being stressed out worrying what their kids did and what they have to do to punish. Discipline is shared between parents and done in a much more humane way for the most part!
I think that is what made my father alot less affectionate to us than my mom. I think he felt that we feared him and hated him sometimes because he had to do what he thought the father should at that time.
No matter how bad a day I am having with the kids, I always try to mellow out everything by the time their father gets home so they show how much they miss and love him. He doesn't get much time over the week to spend with them and I don't want the time he has to be stressful and full of turmoil. Of course there are times, especially with my son, that they need to be disciplined by their father and not me because I am just not cutting it. But, they know when dad is mad, they better listen because he is a pretty mellow guy and it takes alot to make him mad!
I feel, in this day and age, that I am lucky to be able to stay home with my kids and I take the responsibility seriously. It's my job. I am also glad, though, that my husband is very loving and caring to them because, today, kids need that more than ever!
R-
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 6:14pm

I cannot remember a single incident in my lifetime when my father raised his voice to me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 12:23pm

Awww, Barbara!

Pages