Christian Dating Dilemma!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Christian Dating Dilemma!
4
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 11:47pm

I'll try to be brief although it will be hard. Okay, I have been dating a wonderful man for almost 2 years now (in October). My parents see him when we can coordinate because he lives 75 miles from me and I live 40 miles from them. It's to the point now that we talk about marriage and being together long term. He's 29 and currently in school (he went back).

The problem is, when I started dating him, I was not walking with God the way I should have been. I was raised in a Christian home and went to church my entire life as well as Christian schools. I'm 25, and my parents are just now figuring out that he's not a Christian. No, I haven't been very forthcoming about that information. I wanted my parents to get to know him for who he is, not judge him immediately for not believing like us. For those of you who have been in my situation in life, you know that's a big problem. Unfortunately, I am coming to realize that they would have a big problem with me marrying him. The way I see it, I am an adult and can make my own decisions.

I had a boss not too long ago who was a very devout Catholic and married a man who was not religious at all. I asked her about it and she said mostly they agree to disagree. I'm not sure how that translates into raising her step-child now that they're married. My boyfriend and I don't agree on very much (politics, religion, etc.), but we love each other and just agree to disagree. I'm not too sure we'll have children if we get married so we haven't really had a discussion on how we would raise them. We have talked about kids in the distant future, and we're not sure if we want any.

Anyway, I know it's not right, but now it's to the point where we've been together too long and I love him too much just to walk away because of different beliefs. I myself am concerned about his spiritual future because he's the love of my life. Also, I don't know what my parents would do or how I would handle it if we did get married or even moved in together, which we've also discussed. Anyway, regardless of whether or not you share my beliefs, please respond with similar problems or if you have any advice.

Thanks so much,
AlpacaGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 4:30am

Hi alpacagirl and welcome to the board.

I'm not sure I can try to answer your question as I have never been in your situation but I can say that after almost 20 years of marriage I do know that whatever beliefs either you set out with whether it is politics, whether to have children, how to bring up children or religion can change for one or both of you. We all evolve all the time and so do our beliefs. If this man is a good man who will look after you and any children you may have and who you can see yourself living with for the rest of your life then I'm sure your parents will come round and love him for who he is too.

When I married my dh I wasn't interested at all in God and neither was he. My spirituality has only developed over the last few years and even though he is still not interested we haven't reached a point where it has become a problem because he respects that I am entitled to my own beliefs and I respect his non-beliefs.

Good luck and keep us updated how your getting on.

~Blessings Carol~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 10:41am
As Carol said, people change and grow over time and down the road neither of you will be the same people you are now. My DH and I started with different beliefs, and have both changed our beliefs significantly, yet they're still very different. What's important though, is that our MORALS AND VALUES have stayed the same. It's those morals and values that define how we act, how we treat each other, and how we relate to other people. As long as you agree on things like how to celebrate holidays, whether/when to attend church, and how you'll handle the religious education of any children, I'm betting you'll be fine as long as you both are able to be open-minded. It's when one or both takes the attitude that 'my way is the only way' (and this doesn't apply just to religion) that problems arise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 7:00pm

I have been in your situation...


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 10:54pm
Hi there,
you mentioned that you live miles away from your guy.
what does that mean? How often do you see him and in
what circumstances? Is it lust or true freindship?
I married a Jewish man once and made the family happy.
We divorced. I was not In LOVE with him.
You mentioned political. I could not even date a Bush lover.
People may not respond to political issues but they are about
our beliefs, what we are in our hearts. If people have lot of commonality
that is more positive.
what happens if she is a vegetarian and he likes beef and french fries?
if she gets cold and he loves the windows open in winter, if he is
a morning person and she can't get up??? Let's face it, the more
we have in common without being a clone is a good thing.
The love of my life. How and what does that mean? your life so far apart
do you know what everyday life is like.
people can be alike and not get along for other reasons. who am I to say??
just some thoughts to ponder. Love, leila