advice on a hurtful friendship change

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
advice on a hurtful friendship change
7
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 8:43am
not sure how to handle a change in a relationship.
Part of me says all the following, let it go, do I want to continue,
accept people, I feel used ( only a perception), I have no siblings
so maybe i am over reacting etc. I don't know how to make this short.
Also there is a funny part not related to my issue, so I want to add it.
I have a ladyfriend of many years. I know she is not perfectly
functional ie: her hubby verbally
abused her, she comes from an alcoholic family. We always talked about
everything, we also wrote down things to talk about so we wouldn't
forget, we'd show each other things we bought and had a martini
lunch out once a month. It seemed like sisters. ( I never had a sister)
seemed like it to me. We laughed a lot and I let her be herself. Guarded my advice.
as she wasn't ready to hear it.
She saw an envelope in her husband's truck, it said private, so she opened it.
it was his add for cupid.com. (funny part) she showed her family, brought the jerk
right up on the computer for them to see. They all took out adds, made up who they were.
They all wrote to him. He was in love with his neice. My friend even wrote to her husband,
he was asking her out. Can you see ben stiller in a movie typing away on his computer
writing to his grandmother!!!!!!! hehe. She called me every night in tears, I made her a few meals,
bought her a huge teddy bear so she wouldn't have to sleep alone. I saw she was a lady who has
trouble being alone, she was even hoping HE would return.
now, she meets this new guy on cupid ( not looking) ,
they wrote a lot on the computer, like " soul mates" violins
playing. (:- ) they met. She moved in with him and his mom, maybe 45" or so drive
from me. His 90+ year old mom lived with him. She is now in a nursing home. I have seen my friend
twice, she has not answered my last 2 e-mails. She does go back to her house, goes thru my
town to get there to get her mail and check on her son, who lives there. She doesn't have the need to stop
in to see me. The change is dramatic. i have told her i had felt used, that she was like a sister,
I felt dumped. She said why should she introduce me to a man that she sensed i didn't approve of.
I told her I understood that, it is hard to approve of a married woman moving right in with a guy
before working on your own issues, barly knowing him, disrupting his mom. We worked it out.
My birthday card said i am like family to her, a lovie card. to me it is behaviors not words.
Obviously, she has no need for the friendship or to share her life.
I am surprised that I am thinking, do I want this friendship
at all??? Or am i doing the black and white thinking?? I want to be loving and accepting but not hurt
or used. has anyone experienced anything like this? She met him in Nov, I have seen her twice for
our ritual of exchanging Xmas and B'day presents. What do you think? I know you are saying,
looks like there is no friendship to be talking about. She will back. if it is an e-mail,
I don't want to answer. it is hard to take a close relationship and put it in another catagory,
like the frieend you just see once a year. This is a dramatic change, Maybe I have outgrown it.
??????????? Good therapy for me just writing this. Love, leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 9:03am
Leila, I know it hurts when you feel rejected by a friend.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 9:34am
I think you are right, even though I think I have been accepting,
she may think I am not. At this point I am used to her being with him,
I had told her I should have been
more open at first but I didn't want to judge her, she had read me anyways.
It's not that I said anything, I'd just be quiet when she raved on and on. She has had 5
marriages. Like hello, go slow this time.
I can pick up little things thru one sentence, I can figure his
grown kids have some issues thru 5 words she said, she did not
embelish. Part of the, make it look really better than good.
The full heart to heart connction is gone, for today.
he is a lot better than the other guy, good to her and they have the same togetherness
needs. She is definitely wraped up in this new world.
I know if we stay in the now, accept people and life's changes, forgive,
live and let live, life is OK. I am not going to dump anyone for a man,
girlfriends are so important to my life. In the future, with her, I will just follow
my heart. Maybe answers will reveal themselves to me without thoughts on it.
i have friends, but somehow she got to be my best friend and we were always
there for each other. we had so much fun when we went out together and laughed a lot.
I have bee developing new friendships and building on others.
Thanks. Love leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 11:03am
there is a time for friends to depart. then there is a time for a period of seperation for some of the departed by your or their choice. Respect their wishes. Your genuine heart relationship should continue even if you are again together or forever apart. Often one has to go into a cave so to speak and be seperated. Womem in this position do not want to be told what to do or even receive an answer. best just compassion. Although in some cases you ask if they want suggestions, at the same time say you are not telling them what to do. In fact I respect people if they do the opposite of any suggestions. For who am I. And when you really find out who you really are or grow more into the realm of the reality. then you will think one way with the carnal mind and another way with the spiritual mind. The opportunity of living is to gain LIFE.and more of Life at the same time realizing that both living and life are important. read next post also
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 11:16am
Did you ever wonder why the master wept. This may be the reason, I am not shure. Perhaps there are those who have not sufficently finished going down the wrong path and will not accept another path, untill they are ready. Then there are those who touched on the right way but it was not strong enough for them to want more and they thus returned to the ways of the world. Then again there are others who learned well the right path but chose to return to the ways of the world. Did this not hurt the master and perhaps the Creator and creation. COULD IT BE THAT THE REASON IS FREE CHOICE AND IT IS NOT TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU.///then we have the issue of Karma,grace, mercy . So you also can feel the hurt and shed some tears. and let the tears be offered up as prayers. coments appreciated from imperfect ira who welcomes the grace and mercy etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 3:34pm
you have very good replys. I never did tell her what to do,
I am of the law, ask if they want an opinion but usually
don't even go that far. she read my quietness.
I do want to be surrounded by healthy people,
give and take. we did talk about how hurt i was and her stuff.
strange but she is a person that likes to fix things, I am
happy with little to fix, per se. That is not THE answer.
maybe it is just going in different directions. Life can play out
paths, journeys, roads to travel. Guess I'll
stay on my own and enjoy what I have say a prayer for her
and let it go. If I feel sadness about it, that's OK too. love, Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 8:03am

Leila,
understand that 'YOU' don't need anybody. I know it gets lonely but others will enter your life and be true friends. I imagine you must miss her. She has obviously gotten on with her life. You were there for her, what else can you do? Perhaps this new relationship will work out, perhaps not. If she needs you in the end, will you be there for her? You sound like you have your head on straight as far as your advice on moving in so quickly. Who knows what he's telling her to do about her past friendships.
Send her love and get involved with other things in your life, everything happens for a reason.

Charliesap

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 4:59pm
Thank you, I am involved with life and busy and do have friends.
Guess, If I lost a brother to death, i can lose a friend to moving!!!!!
There has been space to let in the new. love, Leila