I'm so Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
I'm so Lost
14
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 2:06am
I'm so lost, can someone please help. This is the situation. I have been with my current boyfriend 11 years. We got engaged about 5 yrs ago. We have have alot of problems off and on for 11 yrs. He bought a house 5 yrs ago and I have been paying 1/2 the mortgage ever since. Since losing my job 6 wks ago he has been paying full mortgage and all bills, I have been paying for all groceries, my bills and whatever I could help out with. He has told me several times during an argument that he never intended to marry me, that he only got me the ring because that's what women want, hurt me so much with his words, but stayed because I have no money to get out on my own. He told me tonight that I really need to get a job because we are falling behind on our bills, but I'm starting to get a thick skin and I told him that I was not going to pay him back for the money I havent been able to pay him, he said he would not give me a bill but that he needs help. I feel guilty because I am the one who talked him into buying this house in the first place. My parents gave us 4,000 for a down payment and I gave him money to re-carpet the whole house, plus bought paint, curtains, red rock for the landscape and a wood burning stove for the family room, not to mention a whole lot more for HIS house. My son who is 18 works at the local grocery store from 11 pm to 7 am was sleeping and I told fiancee at 10 pm I was going to wake him at 10 pm and make him something to eat, and fiancee said" I baby him, to let him do for himself,he can make his own food, well my response was that I do all the housework and laundry for everyone, and I enjoy doing for my son that I may not have him around too much longer and he should worry about his own 16 year old son. Tonight was it for me, but I'm trapped here with no job. I am so unhappy and just dont know a way out. Finacee is going through a really tough time because his 16 year old son totaled 2 cars and got 2 tickets within 10 days, insurance has gone from 100.00 per month to almost 400.00 a month and he is not working to support his mistakes, everyone keeps bailing him out. His girlfriends grandmother bought him his 3rd car, and he is going to pay her back. I feel as though I'm being used for the money to help with his insurance payments. Now his has a third car and has only had his license for just over 2 mos. Sorry so long but what can I do??????? Any advice would help. Irish

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
In reply to: irish553
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 7:29am

I think common law marriage is seven years. I'd bite the bullet and look for another job. Get some money saved up and move out. Your fiance was an idiot to buy a ring because 'that's what women want'. You have upped the value of a house that you're not even going to get half the proceeds from if he sells.
I wouldn't be going anywhere until I had some money stashed. Stop paying his house payment. You already put wayyyyy too much money into a house that doesn't belong to you. Do you think people rent and replace their landlords carpet and buy stoves? I would suggest an attorney and hopefully you saved all of the receipts. Tell fiance you deserve a settlement at the very least. He should NOT have let you buy everything you did without the intention to marry you. A judge could settle this, but you must have your receipts.
Get three jobs if you have too, but start socking it away, I'd say you're paid up for a while. Thick skin is the only thing that's going to save you.
Get hold of your county assitance office and explain your situation. Tell them you are just sharing the rent on your income. At least you could get food stamps. What about unemployment?

Charliesap

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: irish553
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 9:29am
get out as soon as you can. In spite of the money,
I think it is going to be hard for you because you have been
in this undesirable situation for so many years. You are used to it.
Besides legal advice, a therapist is a good idea too. don't give him reason
to ask you to leave, be careful what you say. You owe him nothing.
Pretend anything till you go. You paid your dues, If nothing ever returns
to you, chalk it up as a life experience and get therapy so you can make
better choices. Keep the ring baby, fair exchange for the carpets. Not really,
just keep it. You can sell it some day. Save money, pretend you went bankrupt,
people restart all the time. Get used to doing for you and stop building
other people's lives. Get the help to develop more self love, meanwhile make a
plan to get out. Any relatives you can live with?????? Remember no more money to him.
No more calling him the fiance!!!!! or was that tongue in cheek??
Hugs, Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: irish553
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 10:48am

Irish,


You are in a dysfunctional spiral and you will need help getting out.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
In reply to: irish553
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 12:29pm
Thanks everyone for the suggestions, I know what I need to do it's just doing it. I will keep everything to myself and not let him know what I plan. I know that I will be here for at leat a few more months trying to stash money aside. I have saved some of the reciepts from years ago, which are well hidden, funny I must have thought I might have been in this position when I copied and saved alot of the reciepts. I am getting unemployment and it does pay the few bills I have made on my own. The good thing is that my car will finally be paid for in 4 more payments. That will definitely help. Anyway I will keep you all posted with what happens and thank you for your support, it makes it easier to find the courage I've needed for a long time. P.S. All my family is back east and I would love to go back someday. Irish
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
In reply to: irish553
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 10:22pm
Hi everyone, just cried all weekend, so much thinking has gotten me in a spiral downward.I know things will be better for me someday. I have to believe that. I dont pray much but feel maybe I should try. i almost feel guilty like the only time I look to my higher power is when I need help and guidance. Tonight I finally started to realize that other people have it way worse that me and I should be thankful for a roof over our heads, and food on the table, so I finally stopped crying. I am still in my early 40's so I know I have lots of living to do. I have been pulling a card everyday, and today I pulled "Temperance", that was a little confusing to me. I am just learning the tarot cards, so, how do I interpret this one. It says "the need for flow of feeling in a relationship. Suggests the potential for harmony and cooperation resulting in a good relationship or a happy marriage". Could that mean a new relationship or does that mean my current relationship will change? Anyway, I'm hanging on best I can, it's been a difficult time. It is so nice to have somewhere to come and vent. Thanks again and hugs to all.........Irish P.S. If it does mean a new relationship in the future, I am far away from thinking about that, at this point I'd rather be on my own for at least a year or so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: irish553
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 11:23pm



Temperance
Upright: Moderation, temperance, patience, harmony, fusion, good influence, confidence

Reverse: Discord, conflict, disunion, hostility, frustration, impatience


Hey Irish!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
In reply to: irish553
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 11:48pm
Thanks Ginger, I think I'm getting there like you said. It's alot of soul searching and digging deep at the feelings I've had for so many years but was afraid to explore. I have looked on the board you spoke about, but I'm way new at this and I'm just looking to learn from others. I like what you said about balance between head and heart. You hit the nail right on the head. I'm very confused and torn by my love for my BF right now and I'm just trying to figure out what is in the best interest for me, and somewhere over the years I've neglected me. I will keep in touch and always look for everyone's honesty regarding my situation. I have to admit, reading everyone's replys scared me, maybe that's why I cried all weekend. It's reality that I'm scared to face. Hugs... Irish P.S. Cara also did a reading for me and I look to all her posts to learn as much as posible, she is, in my opinion very caring and knowledgable and tends to want to help others. KUDOS to her for her help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
In reply to: irish553
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 2:05am
OMG, tonight just a little bit ago I finally had a talk with my fiancee, what a cold hearted person. I asked him if he meant what he said about him never wanting to marry me that he bought the ring because thats what women want is "the ring". Well, he confirmed it. He does not ever want to marry. I said to him in a very calm voice, "why would I keep putting money into your house when I know in my heart that there's noting in it for me", I have never been greedy, always giving. He told me he wants me out within the month, and I told him that there's no way, without me working he would physically have to pick me up, get me an apartment and move me an my son out. He told me that he would call the police to get me out because this is his house. I told him that it would never happen, that the police would considre my side. Unfortunately, I am screwed. Now what? The law would get me out, right? It is his house. Normally I would cry and freak out. Tonight I am calm but afraid. Do I ask my family for help, I dont want to do that, I have done it toooo many times. Where do I turn? I keep trying to have faith, but it's not working.I am not a greedy person, however like you all said, do not help him, help yourself. This is the hardest thing I've ever went through. When I went through my divorce 11 yrs ago, it was not this difficult, because we were married I was entitled to half. Can he really get the police involved, and what will happen to me and my son? FYI, He told me that I could live in a cardboard box and he would not care. Now, I'm falling apart while he is in bed sleeping. The bi**h about this whole situation is that I really loved this man, he has had a hard life and deserves happiness in his future. I always try to see the good in people especially when life has given them such difficult things to deal with. I could get money from my 401K plan to help me, Too many thoughts right now. I am blind, I know people say things in anger, but it was a calm talk, I need to face reality. God, help me. What should I do?????????Irish
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
In reply to: irish553
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 11:09am

Irish,

Contact a women's shelter about your predicament. They may have the names of sympathetic attorneys who could give you free legal counsel. I'm sure you would have some rights via common law marriage and probably more than what you realize.

It's a real good sign that you are able to keep your wits about you. It sounds like you have a 'peace that passes understanding;' just continue to pray for guidance. You're doing the right thing. Don't second-guess yourself and let doubts get in the way.

You just have to realize how much you're worth, a house payment? a car payment? I don't think so & it's time you see your inner-worth and beauty.

Stay strong, take the high road and it will all work out.

Go, girl, Go!

Best,

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: irish553
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 2:35pm

Oh Honey!

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