judging, hate and spiituality...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
judging, hate and spiituality...
4
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 3:11pm

Why? I have always been so confused by the hatered in our world all in the name of religion.

Where is this coming from? I was beat up figuratively speaking in a recent letter from MIL about how I was practically the devil because she believes that I lured her son away from the Catholic church. Though he told her how we ended up in a non-denomination church, his words fell to deaf ears. She felt compelled to lay judgement and blame on my weak shoulders all in the name of faith.

I have not personally been attacked before like this in anyway especially with regard to my spirituality. I am so increadibly hurt and confused. I read about wars over faith both in families and in a more broad way in other countries. It is now in my home.

I feel so sorry for my DH that his own mother would spew such anger about me all because she believes that I took her boy away from her family and the church. He tells her it is not so. He is crushed seeing his mother behave so unreasonably.

We son't know what to do. We are not interested in continuing a round of letter wars as she will not hear him. I am silent through it all. Only my DH knows how hurt I am, I will not contact her. Yet she wonders if she will ever see her son and the kids ever again. How should he go see her after all of the anger and disrespect that she has shown to him? Time will soften the situation, but not for me. His only saving grace is to divorce me and go back to the Catholic church, that is all that will make her happy; this according to her word.

I just don't understand.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 7:41pm
I do think you do understand that your lot in
life is not to make your MIL happy, she has to do that herself.
Your job is to forgive her and to encourage your husband to
forgive her behaviors. He will need to tell her she can't degrade you
in front of him. As I have said before, " what people think of us
is not our business." For centuries people have killed each other
because the beliefs are different. Tell her you will continue to
love her and hope she will let go and let the two of you lead your lives.
Maybe you will have to separate from her until she comes around
for your self image and not to be abused.
Your husband makes his own decisions without her blaming you.
Do prayers, try to forget it. DO NOT entertain thoughts of divorce,
to make this dame happy. Visualize the marriage being solid and strong.
Best wishes to you. Love, Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 10:22pm
I am so sorry you are going through this mess. I too have a MIL very much like you. She said and did awlful things to me, therefor indirectly doing it to her own son. It is a bad place to be in especially with children involved. For millions of years hatered and wars have been fought in the name of God or religion. It is a very touchy subject. I'm just really sorry you have encountered this. I wish I could give you some advise, but there is no easy answer. We never reconnected with my MIL, I am sorry to say. We tried and tried, sometimes you just have to turn and walk away. You can only try and stand so much. I do not know your beliefs, but in the Bible it says something like a woman shall leave her home and a man shall leave his Mother. (I hope I got that right, if I did not I am sorry).
You two became one when you married and NO ONE should come between you. I can say I know how much it hurts and I am sorry. I will keep you in my Thoughts and Prayers. I hope everything works out for you and yours.
Peace & Blessings,
Rhonda
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 10:30am

I think now, more than ever before, you and your H need to have a united front in whatever your beliefs are and how you choose to utilize them, whether it be via meditation, weekly worship, whatever. You will need strength together to weather this.

It's human nature to want everything to be okay, for everything to go along smoothly, to appease those closest to us. Your MIL is failing to realize that your H is a fully grown man who made choices based on his own preferences and beliefs and those of the woman he chose to share his life with. If she can't respect that, then there is nothing further that you or H can do to change that. All you can do now is lean on eachother and weather the pain, hurt and confusion you are experiencing.

You can choose to rise above MIL's unrealistic statements and requests and go about with your life...if that means less time spent with MIL, then so be it. You will not be the first family to choose friends as your new family, nor the last. Hopefully, when your MIL sees that your H and you are standing firm by your convictions, she will come around - even if it is only for the benefit of knowing her grandchildren. Hopefully, with time, you will find a place for this hurt and be able to move beyond it's restrictions. It doesn't mean you ever forget those restrictions placed on your relationship with MIL, it means that you've simply found a way to be amiable without allowing her to control or manipulate you. And I'm not talking about forgiveness, as I don't feel that forgiveness is something that can be forced. I truly believe that forgiveness comes with time and prayer and reflection - of who YOU are - IMO, it's a natural by-product of finding inner peace.

I have a MIL similar to yours - she's been hurtful, condescending, downright insulting and mean, though not outwardly maliscious - she has cut me (and my 17y/o daughter) to the core. At least your H is standing up to his mother, mine did nothing. He sympathized with me, but he never said a word to his mother about her poor behavior last year and that still niggles at me now and again. It took me over a year to finally be able to put it behind us, though I will admit that I am more guarded these days. My first and top priority is to be at peace with myself and if I ever acquiesced to her wierdness or demands, I couldn't be at peace with myself. It's related to having some decent level of self respect I believe - :0)

It's a shame when one becomes a zealot about thier personal beliefs so as to impose them on others, without any regard to other's feelings or how hurtful they are being. What your MIL is doing is wrong. Period.

I hope you and you H are able to find a place of peace in regards to dealing with MIL - is FIL still in the picture? If so, what does he think about all this and is he willing to talk with MIL on H's behalf? Hugs -

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 1:00pm

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.