Trying to figure things out...
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| Mon, 09-19-2005 - 5:02pm |
Okay so for whatever reason God picked me as a person who can't just flow through life. I get to be someone who analyzes and really contemplates anything and everything. Therefore, while others are just going on with life and doing what comes next and natural - I have to question whether it's really what I want and is it good enough... SO many things about my life - I'll give a for instance even though there are NUMEROUS different situations like this in my life here is what I'll share:
So... I was raised in a fairly "religious" home (and knowing what I know now there IS a difference between being religious and being spiritual) we went to church Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday nights every week without fail. From the outside my family looked normal and somewhat "perfect" with my father and mother, older brother and myself consisting of the family unit. But I was aware of the internal workings - my parents were NOT abusive to each other but they were married young and were trying to figure out how to grow up... so there was turmoil - arguments that included yelling and dad occasionally leaving for the night - they thought we were in bed and asleep - but I rarely was (sometimes I'd sneak in to lay by my brother while he was SOUND asleep and unaware).
I truly believe my parents did the BEST they knew how but my mom was involved in couple different affairs over the years trying to find the emotional stuff she needed because dad was always so distant. He tried to be there and while my brother and I were young enough to roll around on the floor and wrestle and play dad was able to communicate and be involved with us... but when we became old enough that we needed a communicating father he just didn't know how (still doesn't). So... now I'm in therapy trying to figure out what relationships in my life are so messed up... come to find out it all goes back to what I wasn't getting as a child (or that's what she says). That I've learned to survive on emotional deficits and therefore don't create mutual relationships from the get-go and when I start to see a year into that it's not mutual I feel slighted and confused. So... she's been trying to get me to go recognized what things were and are missing in those first initial relationships between me and my parents so I can identify what needs to be fixed.
It's literally EXHAUSTING! And over the last 10 years (about the time my parents marriage broke up) we as a family moved away from God. Over the last 8 or so years I've been trying to find my way back and have found this new "spirituality" that wasn't exactly presented to us in church back then. I want very badly to have this close, personal relationship with God that I believe is what he desires and will create a much less complicated life for me... that's my hope anyway!
So... having said all this and show just how complex it all is and surely you can only imagine how insane it all makes me and my mind goes 100 miles an hour a day (since there are 5... 6... 7 other issues just like the one I've explained above) I feel as though I need to start trusting more in God and have faith that HE will be the one to led me out of my confusion and all these issues I clutter my mind and heart with. That by relying on him and not my therapist or other means to help me deal with these things he will quiet my mind and bring me some clarity!
I just feel like my analyzing and troubleshooting and trying to figure it all out myself and basically be in control is undermining how just allowing God to take the reigns is the answer! I've tried the therapist route for quite some time (almost 9 years off and on and different therapists) and some other avenues... so now... would just letting go and letting God be the best plan!
What I'm looking for here from you all is NOT to tell me what to do but from your experience what do you feel and while I'm not sure what any of you believe in the way of God or spirituality it's always good to get several viewpoints! :)
Thanks for reading and feel free to ask ANY questions! Hope I wasn't too boring! :p

First, welcome to the board!
Here's hoping you find that relationship you seek, however it presents itself.
T
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"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." ~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
You are also in an age where many people do analyze. part of growing.
The time comes when all the analyzing does take too much energy,
we get sick of it, we start to listen to ourselves, to intuition, to feelings.
Go with the flow, you are getting drained from the analysis, so that means you are going
in the right direction. Love, Leila